So here we again find ourselves confronting the “plot” of Supernatural where I, your humble reporter, attempt to uncover the truth behind the episode…

You going to make fun of my episode little boy? Come on! Give me your best shot. I took on the king of Hell and it just made me mad…

… Now let’s go to chicago and the show that might be!

9.20 – “Bloodlines” remix

	Goody! We get to be in an episode!
	=(
	Isn’t it nice? In fact while we’re on camera… this place really looks like somewhere a guy can propose…
	choke Um… right! Right. Funny that. Be right back. dash
	…
	Excuse me.
	?
	You have one of those really expensive glasses of wine with the diamond ring in it?
	But of course. What kind of six star restaurant do you think we are?
	Great, can I get one delivered to my table?
	No.
	… What, because I’m black?
	No, because I’m French! We’re very rude.
	Well you’re no Bruce Campbell!
	What mortal man is? Now if you’ll excuse me, I must escort this more important character to his set piece.
	What are you doing? I think that was the protagonist!
	Pft. I am dead past this episode anyway, what do I care? Behold monster club. Enjoy your stay.
	Hey cutie, can I get a drink?
	Sure. Type A? O?
	hm… Not really into human blood.
	Lung smoothie? Heart margarita?
	I don’t… really eat anything human.
	Why the hell you come in here then? Why not stay on the other side with the food you do eat?
	Damn, that’s a good question.
	Booga booga, monsters! stabbity stab
	looks down Uh… dude? I’m a vampire. That silver doesn’t affect me.
	Oh right. stabbity stab
	I’m a ghoul. Same kind of deal.
	Ugh, fine! stabbity stab
	Stings a bit, but I’m djinn. You’ll need to pour some lambs blood on those claws there.
	Dammit, does ANYBODY in here actually die to silver?
	Yo!
	Thank you. stabbity stab
	blarg I chose… poorly! stumbles away
	–MEANWHILE–
	Hey look! It’s the ferry we were on when we met in 5th grade.
	I know. It was last year.
	What a great place for someone to propose…
	Oh. Um… well… uh….
	AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
	AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
	AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
	AAAAHHHHH stabity stab
	blarg Now I really am dead.
	whew Sorry about that. How ya’ll doing tonight? wave
	What the hell do you think you’re– KABOOM
	Dude, you just straight up ganked this mother****.
	OMG! Your girlfriend!
	Where did you get that sweet-ass glove? You make it yourself or was it some online ordering deal?
	Your girlfriend just exploded!
	Huh? Oh right. On the one hand, you killed a guy in front of me. On the other, you did just help me out of a massively awkward situation. So… we’ll call it even.
	But I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to make your girl explode. Please, take me to jail. Arrest me.
	Nah, exploding was like… a preexisting condition. Now get out of here.
	…
	–LATER–
	Dude, you sure we’re supposed to be here?
	That’s what the directions say.
	Let me see those again.

	I really don’t wanna.
	Can you imagine being so desperate to be in an episode you actually showed up in the spinoff?
	Hey guys! Can I be in the episode?
	You got it, Cas! doors slam, tires squeal
	Yay!
	–MEANWHILE–
	Why are you hiding?
	Because… I’m a cop! Investigating this crime scene.
	No you’re not! bares teeth
	I could have been, but you had to go and ruin any efforts at a masquerade.
	What do you mean?
	Well… look at your teeth! What are you? Some kind of ancient evil freed from the bounds of long lost Purgatory where ere you’ve been locked all these centuries?
	No. I told you earlier: I’m French.
	http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2rL5XnNbtY
	Nice, how did you know he was a monster?
	He was? I thought he said he was French.
	You just go around beheading French people?
	Well they did it before it was cool. Besides, it’s not they have souls or anything.
	How can you be sure?
	I’m an angel.
	Oh. What are you doing here?
	I go where I’m needed. Whenever a child cries out in fear, I am there. Whenever a woman is in trouble, I am there. Whenever–
	You wanted screentime.
	Affirmative. So you want to learn about monsters and stuff? The terrible truth behind the world you thought you knew?
	I dunno…
	And how to kill them?
	Would I!
	–LATER–
	Hey, can I be a main character?
	Sorry, only humans can be main characters on this show.
	Aw. =(
	But I’m totally human.
	Really? monstersayswhat?
	What?
	Monster!
	Dammit!
	cocks gun
	Wait! I get at least two chances to prove I’m human.
	Oh **** you’re right. I wondered why that regulation was put in our department rules last year.
	What do you expect when monsters run the city? Ok, ask again.
	Hm…. What is the tastiest part of a human?
	The spleen.
	Dammit!
	Monster!
	Nooooo, I wanna be in the shoooooooow! runs away
	I feelz you bro. I feelz you.
	–LATER–
	I don’t understand, why are we hear?
	holding up piece of paper Plot coupon says to go here.
	Oh yes. My friends use those all the time. I wonder if they would want to join us.
	No thanks!
	Go on without us! Really!
	–AFTER SNEAKING IN–
	What are you doing here?
	Well see I–
	Not you, the hot chick.
	I’m here to draw in the male demographic.
	My recent download of pop culture indicates that if such was the case, you should be wearing something sheer while tied up like that.
	Dude’s gotta point.
	Fine. Our parents are getting tied up all the time so I figured I should too if I want to be a main character.
	Man, your mom and dad were into some weird stuff.
	No, idiot. Sam & Dean. Our spawning show.
	She is right. My friends are… restrained a disturbing amount of the time. I am beginning to suspect one of them enjoys it.
	So you both tied yourselves up down here and you thought that would make you protagonists?
	Officer! Thank goodness you’re here. I want you to arrest these two.
	For?
	Trespassing! I’m just trying to mind my own business and these two come running in and tie themselves up like this in my basement.
	… That true?
	… Yeah.
	What about you?
	Just did it because she was here. I mean she is my true love and all.
	whoa whoa whoa whoa… what?
	?
	?
	?
	?
	You thought… I mean that there was… really?
	This is just physical! I thought you knew that.
	If it was only ‘physical’ why would I be with you?
	Because look at me?
	She’s right dude, girl’s pretty hot.
	I come from a race of SHAPESHIFTERS. I could have a threesome with ‘her’ and ‘Kate Upton’ before midnight if I wanted.
	Now there’s a thought: If you could have a girl look like any other girl, who would you choose?
	~~two six-packs later~~
	80s era Michelle Pfeiffer. Or the 70s Demi Moore. What about you, angel boy?
	Well there’s this girl I knew once named April…
	Hey now, that’s not fair picking people we don’t know. Now what if the shapeshifter could look like a fictional character? I’ll start: I’d go with Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
	Angels are… transcendental beings. Our oldest and most powerful brothers can even create something from nothing – though never original, it must always be what a human imagined first. With that and our ability to visit people’s dreams, it all serves to make the very distinction between ‘fiction’ and ‘real’ rather… dubious to us.
	…Right. What about you old man?
	Wonder Woman, no contest.
	…
	Come on, David.
	No you don’t get it. When you’re a teen-aged shifter, you’ve… usually done a lot of these already.
	Really?
	Who was your favorite ‘session’ then?
	Don’t laugh… Cheetarah from the Thundercats cartoon.
	For real?
	Straight up, as God is my witness.
	You should really use a different phrase.
	So all those times we–
	Bitch did I say you could talk to me?
	Oh so now you’re bringing racial slurs into it?
	I’m not the one that decided to play ‘look who’s coming to dinner’! To a shapeshifter, life partners… are so much more! If I wanted a hot piece of tail – pun intended – I could have stayed among locals.
	I’m sorry I disrespected your culture.
	It’s worse than that! Shifter partners have to be able to pick each other out from a crowd even if both are wearing a face the other has never seen. Both should be able to tell – in an instant without words – if another shifter tries to replace your beloved. I could have looked like a werewolf, maybe roll around a dead deer to smell like you too, and saved us both a lot of trouble if a night out is all you wanted.
	Watching these monsters fight makes our human differences seem trivial doesn’t it?
	Amen to that my mortal brother. clink beer bottles
	Admit it, you never had a night as wild as some of ours.
	Really? Do you know what a key party is with shifters?
	leans forward
	leans forward
	leans forward
	You don’t use ‘keys’. Everybody writes down who they most ‘want’ and you toss it into a bowl. Then everyone draws out a random name – male or female – and they have to be that person during the… ‘party’ that follows. Comparing shifter parties to things we did makes the two of us look like a priest and nun.
	At least your girl didn’t explode.
	spit take That’s an option?
	Yeah it happened to his. points at Ennis
	I don’t know what you’re talking about.
	It’s simple: this universe isn’t really in the Supernatural one but running at just slight enough of an angle to cause the two to intersect. The forces unleashed by the colliding realities are causing canon backlash of such magnitude that many are ripped apart by them. Those present are lucky enough to have main character shields – however rudimentary – to protect yourselves.
	Wait, but I don’t think I’m a main– KABOOM
	…
	…
	… So what was he saying about your girl?
	Hey who wants the last beer since the old dude won’t be drinking it?
	–MEANWHILE–
	Dean, I don’t think that made any sense at all.
	Don’t worry about it, Sammy. It’s spinofftown.