Prologue: I wrote this story on May 27, 2016, 2 days after the air date of the SPN Season 11 finale, “Alpha and Omega”. I felt very strongly (and I still do!) that a conversation like this should have taken place between Chuck and Castiel. After all those years of desperately searching for God, struggling with his faith and the purpose of his mission, to be given the chance to talk to his Father? Actually converse with Him, face to face? Cas deserved the opportunity, and I wanted to give it to him.
God Only Knows
Castiel sat alone, looking morosely down at the table. Rowena and Crowley were seated on stools at the bar, having what Crowley had sardonically termed “Last Call”. Well, it would be, wouldn’t it, one way or the other? Sam was pacing the floor nervously, and Chuck was sitting silently at a separate table.
All this time. The thought ran in a continuous loop in Cas’s head. All this time. God had been “Chuck” this whole time, and Cas hadn’t had a clue. God the Father, Castiel’s father, had taken on the persona of an ordinary human being, a writer of paperback novels, and Cas had felt nothing while being in His presence. Nor had Chuck ever let on. But here He was now, sitting so close to His son, and He had not even looked Castiel’s way, nor exchanged even one word with him.
All this time. All those feelings of loss, and abandonment. All that anguish and suffering, both from the perspective of the human race, and from all of the Angels’. Then had come the despair, then the anger, and then, the inevitable jockeying for the position of power in Heaven. All of the hard feelings between his Brothers and Sisters, and all of the needless deaths. And Castiel was responsible for a large part of those things. But, so was God. If He had never turned His back on His children to begin with, none of that need ever have happened.
He glanced over at Chuck now. What was God thinking? What was He feeling? Did He even HAVE feelings? He must; after all, they were all made in His image, weren’t they? Then why did He not seem to get that His son was in pain?
Then, it occurred to Castiel: God didn’t care. He simply did not care. What other explanation could there be? Now, Cas’s anger rose. How dare their Father just sit there, saying nothing? Doing nothing? But wasn’t Cas equally to blame? Here he sat in the same room as his Father, after all those years of longing for Him, and Castiel was wasting this unique opportunity. He was in God’s presence, finally being allowed to look upon His countenance, and Cas was doing nothing about it. Dean would probably tell him to “man up”. And Dean would be right.
“Will You not even look upon me?” Cas blurted out.
Crowley looked up from his drink, smirking. So, Castiel had finally grown a pair, had he? And the King of Hell wasn’t talking about wings, either. Well, they had to pass the time somehow, anyway. Dean had gone off to try to explode Amara, and they were all waiting to see if the plan would work. This potential confrontation between God and Castiel could be interesting.
Chuck looked at Castiel now. His beautiful, most special son. The anguish was coming off of Cas in waves, and anger and pain were the two runners-up. Castiel was thinking that God had no feelings. That He didn’t care. But nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, God cared too much. He had so many feelings that He didn’t know what to do with them all. And that was really why He hadn’t been able to talk to Castiel, nor to look directly at him. He had glanced over surreptitiously from time to time, but even though this was a conversation that badly needed to take place, God had had no idea how to even begin.
Now He’d been given His opportunity, but Chuck still had no idea what to say. At least He and Castiel were making eye contact now. But the hurt in His son’s eyes was so great that He had to force Himself not to look away again.
“You want to know why I forsook you,” Chuck said quietly. “Why I never answered any of your prayers, or cries for help.”
Castiel nodded, not trusting himself to be able to speak. He had a huge lump in his throat now, and he felt like he was on the verge of tears.
“I did not forsake you, Castiel,” God replied. He stood up and walked over to the place where Castiel was sitting. He reached down and tapped Cas gently on the forehead, and then in the area of his heart. “I was always around, Cas. I was in here, and in here.” His hand lingered on his son’s chest for a moment. “Especially in here.” He tried a smile on for size. “But, some of your ideas? Maybe, not so much. Leviathans? Metatron? Lucifer? Really, Cas?”
But Castiel did not smile, and Chuck felt compassion for His son. His expression grew serious. “But your heart was always in the right place, and that’s the most important thing. You think I don’t care, Castiel, but you’re wrong. I made all of you in My own image. Especially you, Cas. In fact, I may have given you a little extra, in the heart department. That’s why you feel things as much as you do. Because you’re just like Me.”
Chuck drew up a chair and sat next to Cas, studying his son’s face. “But you never gave up on me, did you, Castiel? Not really. Everyone else did at one point, even Sam and Dean. But, not you.”
“I could never give up on you, Father,” Cas said softly. “Sam and Dean taught me that, and so did Bobby. You never give up on your family. Even when it feels like they’ve given up on you.”
“I never gave up on you either, Castiel,” Chuck replied. He touched the Angel’s face with the palm of His hand. “I know I hurt you, and for that, I am truly sorry. But I want you to know that I love you, my son, and I’m very proud of you. You turned out to be one of My finest creations.”
Castiel could feel the warmth of God’s love through the touch of His hand, and a single tear ran down his cheek. “Thank you, Father,” he said.
“Never be afraid to be who you are,” God said to Castiel. “Never be afraid to feel. I’m aware that many of the other Angels don’t agree with the way you go about things. But, they’re wrong.” He smiled, rising from His chair. “Well, I’ll see you around, Cas. Until then, I’m entrusting you to take care of things down here for Me, and to look out for your real family. Sam and Dean need you, and you need them, too. We all need people to love, and we all need to be loved. That’s what life is really all about.” Then His smile faded. “I may not always have shown it, but that’s what I believe. So, it’s time I prove it, I guess. Goodbye, Cas. Remember what I said.”
“Father….” Cas started to say.
God smiled again. “You can call me Chuck.”
Cas swallowed hard, trying to work up the nerve to say what he wanted to say the most. What he’d always wanted to say to his Father, if he had ever been lucky enough to speak to him face to face. “I love you, Father,” Cas said. Then he smiled shyly. “I mean: Chuck.”
“I know that, Castiel. I always have,” Chuck said. He touched his son’s cheek tenderly, and then He was gone.
– THE END. –
I viewed the piece as righting a wrong, and more sweet than somber, but that’s the beauty of art. I always wondered if others would have liked to have seen things go this way. Was this what you imagined Castiel would say to God? What God would say to Cas? I’d love to hear your version of their conversation, or your thoughts on my version. Comment Below!
Read more of Gail’s Supernatural stories! Links can be found on her Writer’s Page.
Some Screencaps Courtesy of http://www.kissthemgoodbye.net/supernatural