Authors note: This is a work of fiction â€“ obviously â€“ and is intended to be taken as such. Itâ€™s just my thoughts on what Deanâ€™s thoughts in season 8 mightâ€™ve been, if I could get into his headâ€¦ I hope you enjoy part 2.
Someone pinch me. Not only is the Men of Letters lair still standing, itâ€™s frigginâ€™ awesome. How itâ€™s working I dunno and donâ€™t care. It is and I ainâ€™t complaininâ€™. Samâ€™s in his happy place, surrounded by books and god knows what. I swear the kidâ€™s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw all the damn books and files and crap. I just had a shower the likes of which Iâ€™ve never known. The water pressure. Not some dank and moudly motel room trickle, but real power, man. And hot. Coulda stayed in there all day. Did get a bit wrinkly. Heh. Not only that, thereâ€™s weapons up the ying yang and a freakinâ€™ shooting gallery. Who the hell were these guys? How the hell did we get so lucky? I keep expecting to wake up any minute. Probably screaming. God bless you Henry Winchester, wherever the hell you are.
Golems. Necromancer Nazis. Secret Societies? How about a good ole fashioned ghost hunt, just for kicks. Jesus. Our lives keep getting weirder. Though, Aaron was kind of ok, smartass, but ok. So was the big guy, for a dude made of clay. A dude made of clay. Yep. And now weâ€™re back in the batcave, warm and toasty and Sam looks almost happy. Hell I think he nearly smiled. Somethinâ€™s gotta give. We donâ€™t get this lucky. Ever.
My own room. I canâ€™t remember ever havinâ€™ a room. I guess I did, back when I was little. I donâ€™t remember though. It feels good. Feels good to have somewhere to put all my crap. Keep it nice. Somewhere mine. Jesus, Winchester, youâ€™re turning into a freakinâ€™ woman.
What is wrong with me? Canâ€™t I do anything right? All I had to do was one damn thing. Kill a hellhound. Instead Sam has to step in and save my sorry ass and now heâ€™s doinâ€™ these freakin trials, whatever that means and I donâ€™t want that to happen with every part of my being. I wanna puke. Everything I touch turns to shit. It was not supposed to go like that. I donâ€™t want Sam to go through any more crap. Heâ€™s gone through enough. This one was on me and I failed. I freakinâ€™ failed him. Again. Jesus.
I canâ€™t freakinâ€™ sleep. I keep running it through my head. How that bitch knocked me down. I keep playinâ€™ it over and over. Figuring what I coulda done different. Whatâ€™s it matter. I blew it. I know Sam gave me the speech about him and me getting to the light or somethinâ€™. God love him for believing in that, optimistic son of a bitch. I just know I gotta watch out for him now. We dunno whatâ€™s next, what these trials are about. I gotta make sure he gets through this because I ainâ€™t livinâ€™ with the alternative. Not again.
Hey, Iâ€™m about as open minded as they come, but what the hell was that with James and his familiar. Sure she was hot as a chick, but, she was a freakinâ€™ dog. Literally. I mean, the mind boggles and not in a good way. Whoa, I gotta get that picture outta my brain. Thatâ€™s just not right. Iâ€™ve said it before and Iâ€™ll say it again. Witches. Skeevy.
Somethinâ€™s not right with Sam. Heâ€™s off. Not himself. Not since the first trial. Heâ€™s hiding something. Acting cagey. I can tell. After all these years I can tell when the kidâ€™s lyinâ€™ to me. Not only that, heâ€™s getting scared. Startinâ€™ to doubt himself. I ainâ€™t gonna push it and I ainâ€™t gonna listen to his, I might die doinâ€™ it, bullshit either. Both of us canâ€™t be thinkinâ€™ that way. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, reaching out to Cass. We dunno where he is, what heâ€™s doinâ€™. But I got nothinâ€™ and no-one else to turn to. I need help now. I need help lookinâ€™ out for Sam. Weâ€™re gonna be up to our elbows in this thing and we have no clue whatâ€™s cominâ€™ down the pipe. Cass didnâ€™t answer. I dunno if he even heard me. I dunno if he even gives a damn. We had 2 minutes of things lookinâ€™ up, then back to wading through this life of crap. Whatever happens, one thing I know for sure. They ainâ€™t takinâ€™ Sammy.
I think Iâ€™m gonna freakinâ€™ lose it man. Lies and more lies pilinâ€™ up all around me. I wanna freakinâ€™ hit somethinâ€™ or someone or I dunno what. Samâ€™s sick. The trials are breaking him in ways Cass donâ€™t even understand. Cass is gone, again. He blows in, beats the snot outta me, steals the angel tablet. He was being controlled? I knew I smelt somethinâ€™. Donâ€™t make it hurt any less. Heâ€™s gone now. He made his choice. He donâ€™t trust me. Justâ€¦ No more. No more. How much are we supposed to take? How much am I supposed to take? How much is my brother supposed to take? When is it ever gonna be enough? WHEN YOU BASTARDS? I just gotta focus on one thing right now and thatâ€™s Sam. Thatâ€™s making sure weâ€¦he, gets through this trials shit in one piece. Cass is on his own road and I canâ€™t be worryinâ€™ about him no more. Not for now anyways. At least Sam has come clean with me. Finally. At least Iâ€™ve got that. Iâ€™ve got that.
Iâ€™ve been lying here tossinâ€™ and turninâ€™ for hours. What part of me actually thought I could sleep? This thing. Itâ€™s getting outta control. We got Crowley on our ass, angels on our ass. Nobody to turn to. Cass is gone. Even freakinâ€™ Meg is gone, which isnâ€™t a bad thingâ€¦though she had moments of usefulness, when she wasn’t killinâ€™ everyone we love. On second thoughts, good riddance. Samâ€™s coughing up blood. And thatâ€™s just after the first trial. Whatâ€™s the next one gonna do to him? I should be doinâ€™ this. Me. Not Sam. I donâ€™t want him to suffer no more. Man. Stop acting like a whiney girl, Winchester. Nut up. Weâ€™ve faced crap like this before. Weâ€™ve beat down worse. We can do this. Just focus.
Well, firinâ€™ off a few rounds in our own personal shooting gallery certainly took the edge off. That 50 year old scotch didnâ€™t hurt none either.
If that proved one thing to me, it proved I was right. You canâ€™t live normal and live hunter. The two donâ€™t mix. Itâ€™ll get ya killed for sure. Mind you, that Victor dude was a nutjob. Hope Krissy makes it. Sheâ€™s a good kid. Samâ€™s not firinâ€™ on all cylinders. No way those dudes get the jump on him under normal circumstances.
This waiting sucks. Iâ€™m freakinâ€™ useless. Sit here wringinâ€™ my hands waiting, while Sam does the hard yards. Pathetic.
God damn it. God DAMN IT. Iâ€™m sorry Benny. Iâ€™m sorry man. You didnâ€™t deserve that. But thank you. Thank you. I hope itâ€™s not all for nothinâ€™. God damn it please let him have found Sammy. I canâ€™t have him stuck in Purgatory. Both of us shouldnâ€™t have to go through that shit. Please. Anyone whoâ€™s listening. Just, please.
I lost a good friend tonight. But I got my brother back. And Bobby, Bobbyâ€™s where he belongs. I hope the old manâ€™s happy up there. He deserves it. Bennyâ€™s back in Purgatory. He donâ€™t deserve that. Though Sam thinks maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe. I dunno. I dunno. All I know is I cut my friendâ€™s head off. He sacrificed himself for me. For my family. Didnâ€™t hesitate. I couldnâ€™t burn his bones. If it wasnâ€™t for Benny, I dunno Iâ€™d even be here. Maybe one day heâ€™ll crawl his way back out and I can thank him proper. Heâ€™s a tough son of a bitch. A good friend. A good friend.
Nightmare. Blood everywhere. Bennyâ€™s head rollinâ€™ at my feet. Iâ€™m so sorry, man. Iâ€™m so sorryâ€¦
That Charlie, sheâ€™s a good gal. Smart. Lippy, but smart. She can hang around as much as she likes. But hey, I ainâ€™t lettinâ€™ go. Not of her and certainly not of Sam. Never. Iâ€™ve let go of too many. No more. Sam ainâ€™t in a good way and nowâ€™s when I need to make sure Iâ€™m beside him every step. But I gotta trust in him. That he can do this. He canâ€™t do it without my believinâ€™ in him and he shoulda not have to. So, weâ€™ll do what we gotta do and Sam will finish the trials and weâ€™ll do this damn thing together. Like we always have.
Oh Sammy. I didnâ€™t know man. And Iâ€™m sorry I didnâ€™t know. Iâ€™m sorry I never saw. I shoulda. My little brother always felt different. What was the word he used? Not clean? Did he always feel it? Poor kid. I dunno if these trials are actually purifying his blood or what or if that was the sickness talkinâ€™. Iâ€™d love to believe that demon crud is getting stripped outta him once and for all. For him. So he could get some peace. But right now, I more worried theyâ€™re freakinâ€™ killinâ€™ him. He looks like shit, heâ€™s not eating, feverish, talkinâ€™ about I donâ€™t know what. Itâ€™s killinâ€™ me to see him like this. Knowing I canâ€™t do nothinâ€™ to help. â€˜Cept keep him fed. Try keep his strength up. Just got one more trial to get through. Just gotta keep him alive through that. Weâ€™ve got Kevin. Weâ€™ve got both halves of the tablet. Weâ€™ve got Godâ€™s secretary for Christâ€™s sake. Now, we just gotta cure a demon. Cake walk. Heh. Not real comfy having Cass under the same roof as us. But Sam insisted. I wanna trust him. Donâ€™t know I can ever forgive himâ€¦
Time for Crowley to die is long past. Son of a bitch. How many he gonna kill? We canâ€™t let this happen. We gotta think up a plan and fast. I gotta keep Sam focused on the end game. Heâ€™s sick and shaky. Sarah hit him hard. Hit me hard. We canâ€™t let that red-eyed bastard win. No way thatâ€™s happening on my watch. We regroup and we bring him down. Itâ€™s long overdue. We got all we need to make this happen. And we got each other and Charlie was right, thereâ€™s pretty much nothinâ€™ we canâ€™t do. Hey man, we stopped the Apocalypse. I should be saying this to Samâ€¦
Yeah. Sleep. Ha. Runninâ€™ it through my head over and over. Gotta get this right. Itâ€™s a good plan. We just gotta lie to the King of all liars. Hey, I can do that. If we can get him there. Get him locked down. Itâ€™s all on Sam. I dunno whatâ€™s gonna happen. Butâ€¦itâ€™s our best shot.
This is it. Big day. The day we lock ’em all up once and for all. For our mom, for dad, for Ash, for Ellen and Joâ€¦for us.
Heâ€™s gonna be ok. Heâ€™s gonna be ok. Heâ€™s gonna be ok……………………………
Thanks so much for indulging me and reading this…as always, I appreciate the hell outta your support!
If you missed Part 1 of Dean’s Journal you can find it here.