Supernatural for the Soul – Loss and Love and Supernatural
As some of you might know, just before Christmas I lost my dad. It was sudden and unexpected and has completely devastated my life.
It was Sunday morning, the 23rd of December and I was down the beachfront with a friend having a coffee when my mum called with the news. She simply said, “There’s no good way to say this, he’s died.â€
My parents live only about 10 minutes from my house, so my friend walked me back to my place and I got in my car and drove…how I do not know…up to my family home.
My mum greeted me at the door. Dad had died in the dining room, while my mum was out walking the dog; he was wrapping her Christmas presents…….
Mum asked me if I wanted to see him, because at this stage he was still there, as were the police and ambulance, but I said no, I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I’m still so glad I didn’t, I remember him alive and for me that’s much better.
So while my mother went upstairs to sit with dad and deal with the police and whatever, I hid in their bedroom with the dogs.
I text my bosses to tell them what had happened, as I was expected in at work the next day, I text my two best mates and then while sitting there in a stupor, wondering what on earth to do next…I sent out a tweet simply saying that I’d lost my dad. What happened after that was so overwhelming, it blew my mind and filled my heart.
I was inundated with messages of love and friendship. From people I knew and tweeted regularly, to people I didn’t know, whom I’d never ‘spoken’ to. Message upon message upon message. All from fellow “Supernatural†fans.
They kept coming. All day. Messages with hugs. Messages with sympathy. Messages with hope.
I was supposed to host the, “A Very Supernatural Christmas†rewatch, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen, so I emailed Alice and Ardeospina to let them know the situation. Ardeospina jumped in, taking over the hosting duties on my behalf and in doing so, she let the WFB followers know what had happened.
More tweets. More and more and more. So many messages….
I received messages on Facebook. People posted pictures of Dean to my wall to let me know they were thinking of me. People tweeted me Jensen eye candy with sweet words. My fellow posters on the Let’s Discuss the Pretty thread posted pictures of Winchester brother hugs for me. I even got the most beautiful message from Rick Worthy.
Lovely messages of support. It was… I can’t even… There are no words.
Fanvids became my distraction. People shared with me ones they thought I’d like and I watched them with tears of sadness and joy…because, they made me feel better…they made me smile and laugh. Jensen and Jared, goofing off being adorable, reminded me about all the good and the happy and the joyous still out there in amongst all the weirdness and horror swirling around me.
I found it difficult to sleep, so I started putting on my “Supernatural†DVDs before I went to bed. I’d pop on a Bluray…6 episodes. If I woke up in the middle of the night, instead of lying in the silence and dark, thinking about my dad and how sad I was, I would hear the familiar voices of Sam and Dean and I’d feel ok and I would go back to sleep. They became my comfort, even more than usual, their voices sounded familiar, they sounded like home, they calmed me, they made me feel ‘normal’. I’m still sleeping every night with them quietly playing in the background.
I’ve heard fans saying how “Supernatural†got them through a personal crisis. I’ve heard so many stories. Now I understand. Now I get it. Because, in all honesty, without the fans, without the show, without Jensen and Jared, I’m not sure how I would have coped. When I was feeling all empty and scared, you, they filled my heart and made me feel almost whole again. Made me… make me, feel like maybe everything will be okay.
I’m going to VegasCon in March and I wish there was someway I could let the boys know what they’ve meant to me as I go through this. I wish I could tell them that somehow, they’re helping to heal my shattered heart. But I wouldn’t want to make them uncomfortable and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to blubber all over them! And there’s a fair chance that would happen! In fact, I’m a bit nervous I might do just that, because knowing I’m going to see them and some of my “Supernatural†family is like this glowing beacon of carefree smile time, brightly dancing in the not too distant future. I hope I don’t burst into tears when I see Jensen this time around, because that would be seriously awkward!
I was very close to my dad. I saw him several times a week and spoke to him almost every day. He never judged me. He never questioned my passion for a certain show, my convention going, my tattoos….he just rolled with it all. He was proud of everything I did. His loss is inconceivable. But in losing him, I’ve discovered so much love. I’ve already received several hundred messages from fellow fans and it hasn’t stopped…everyone is still checking in on me, even as I wrote this, I received a tweet saying that I was in a friend’s thoughts.
It’s been a month now and you know, it ain’t getting any easier. But I’m not alone, I have my wonderful family and friends to help me through, and I have my “Supernatural†family, a group of people most of whom I don’t know, a community, who reached out when I needed them, held me tight, touched my soul with their kindness and made me smile, even when I was sadder than I’ve ever been.
This show, the Js, this fandom has meant so much to me, but now it means even more. I feel like every single one of you has my back. Somehow, that makes everything just that little bit easier.
-sweetondean
I’m sorry for your loss, sweetondean, I really am. I’m glad that you’ve found some solace in the show and it’s fans (your friends) and I’m sure that you’ll take further comfort and strength from them in the time ahead.
I am so sorry for your loss. You write so beautifully and I can feel the pain and love and warmth in your article. I too, take comfort from Supernatural when I’m down and out. It’s like an oasis of warm feelings; the show, the fan-family, it’s all there when we need it. It’s so nice that you wrote and told us how much it all means to you, because, believe me, it means that to many of us too. God bless you and comfort you.
I’m so sorry for your loss girl, and I’m so glad to hear that they (and spn fans) helped you. It happened to me also, you know? I didn’t lost my dad fortunately, but I had a very bad period a few years ago and the only thing that helped me sleep at night was watching supernatural until my eyes were closed. It helped me to relax and not to think so I know what you mean. I did write a card to Jensen to let them know and gave it to him at jibcon last year but I’ll never know his reaction ’cause I ran away before he could even read it lol (unecessary story. awkward and unnecessary) anyway, if that’s what helps you, keep doing that, there’s nothing wrong and one day you’ll wake up feeling better and it’ll be also because of them. It’s something not everyone could understand but it’s real and the important thing is for you to stay better. Big hugs. And sorry if my english is not so perfect, I’m italian 🙂
Oh Amy, this was such a beautiful piece you wrote. I lost my dad some years back and was very close to him so I know from whence you speak. There was no social media then but I do remember how every thoughtful word of condolence and support helped me during that time. I can imagine now, through your experience, how much more comforted I would have felt, hearing from my FB and Twitter friends.
I’m so glad you’ve been comforted by our amazingly supportive and caring Supernatural family. Just know that we hold you close in our hearts and thoughts, especially so, during this very sad time. Much love and hugs.
Rose
All my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so glad the Supernatural community is here too and reading your story and your ability and desire to share is such a gift. Your Dad sounds such a dear, thank you for telling us about him and yourself. I will be in Vegas too this March and shall “beam” good and warm thoughts your way.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I am glad this wonderful show can make you feel better. Wonderous indeed how it has blended into our lives in different ways and touched our hearts. Know that you touch mine when you post on this site. You have made me think so deeply about the show and sometimes my life. You have touched lives, especially mine. I hope I can meet you in Vegas as I am a Dean girl too. It would be a great honor to meet the person who writes so beautifully about the boys and has made me examine aspects of my own life because of her writings. Take care.
I’m so sorry for your loss Amy… and thanks for sharing your experience so eloquently with us (and so soon)… this must’ve been hard to write & I imagine you would’ve been crying while you wrote it (just as I’m crying while I read it). But the more I get involved with the SPN fandom, the more astonished I am about how much love & compassion it is capable of… I’m so glad that you were the recipient of so much kindness at a time of great sorrow.
I lost my Dad five years ago and I was so close to him – I shared a lot of things with him including a love of the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings (he passed away before my SPN obsession). I recently went to watch the Hobbit & loved it so much, but it’s because I was thinking of my Dad, more than anything else.
I don’t really think the loss gets any easier, but what I’ve found is that I remember my Dad with great joy now, rather than with pain (as I did in those initial dark months). Take care Amy, and, once again, thanks for sharing.
Sending cyber-hugs to you, sweetondean, and wishing they could be delivered in person. I appreciate your sharing this, as I so often appreciate your sense of enthusiasm and fun.
Don’t feel badly if you do shed a tear or two when you see Jensen. I’m sure he’d feel honoured by the thought that he, in some way, helped you through this rough time, as he and Jared and this little show have helped so many of us. And yes. We’ve got your back.
While I didn’t find Supernatural, and this family, until after my own losses, it most definitely had a significant impact on my healing. And still does.
Enjoy Vegas!
Reading your article sliced my heart to shreds and I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my dad 18 months ago and most days are still a struggle.
Like you, some of the things that got me through those early, agonising, dark days (and through my partner’s two encounters with a very serious illness) were Supernatural and my fandom friends on the message board I posted on. Watching the show, chatting about the show, even getting stressed out about the show and getting involved in lengthy, empassioned message board discussions did more than anything else to divert my mind and to cheer me up.
I’m never going to get the chance to go to a Con and meet Jared and Jensen but I hope they know just how much their show means to so many of us and how it often gets us through some of the darkest times.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad back in 1996. I know it doesn’t seem like it will ever get better but the day will come when you think of him with just love and not sadness.
Good luck at the con and I am sure they will not mind if you lose it a little.
Amy, this article was a beautiful tribute to your Dad. I suspected something devastating must have happened due to some of the comments on the “Pretty” thread but I didn’t know what until now. I’ve only been visiting WFB for a relatively short time but I would like to add my heartfelt condolences to all that you have been receiving. Your amazing spirit and sense of humor will get you through this, it never stops hurting but you find a place to keep it that allows you to move forward. Go to Vegas and surround yourself with the SPN family you love so much and enjoy it. It’s also ok to hurt when you need to, part of the process.
Amy I think we are all glad that we can be part of a community like this where we can support each other and I know we all have had you in our thoughts over the past few weeks. I hope that all the thoughts and good wishes continue to help you for the future.
So sorry for your loss! Stay strong! You’re in my thoughts and prayers!
I don’t know you but I enjoy reading what you write. I am very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad nearly 10 years ago, also unexpectedly. It is hard to imagine, but time will heal,your wounds. *hugs*
~Lindsay
I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. What a beautiful piece you’ve written to share some of your feelings. Fandom can be a wonderful community, tying people together into a network of care.
Amy,
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain especially today. Today marks the 12th anniversary of my Dad’s passing. What did I do today? Watch Supernatural. Then I found your article today and it healed my heart a little bit more.
I hope with time yours will heal too. There always will be a little crack, but it will get smaller.
((((hugs)))) and much love.
Claudia
Amy,
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my cyber hug.
I appreciate your willingness to keep this site going in what I know is a devastating time for you and your family.
Wanna know a secret…the Winchester’s have been my night light and my lullaby for some time now.
If you get the chance to speak to Jensen and Jared, let the tears flow if they come. let them know how they have helped you and so many of us thru the years. Most of us will never get the chance to get to a con to thank them personally.
Kathleen
Amy, so so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad many years ago but now my mom is going through the alzheimers crap and yes the Supernatual relm sure helps keep the mind busy. I will be in Vegas with you and if you need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen or just sit with I’m there for you. (name is Sue).
I offer my sincerest condolences, and my heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you continue to find comfort and support from this online community during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I also took comfort in Supernatural when my mom died three years ago. It helped me remember that the world keeps going despite feeling like it had fallen apart. I wish you and your family strength and comfort during this difficult time. You’re in my prayers. ~Moira
This is so touching and beautifully written. Thanks for sharing this during such a hard time. Your father sounds like the type of person we should all try to be.
I glad that the show could bring you some comfort. I’ve been mocked for loving these characters like family, but in difficult moments it’s nice to be able to escape to some place that feels like home. To go where to family loves beyond all reason or limits.
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My deepest condolences to you sweetondean. I didnt know about this. I havent been regular to this site cos I have been travelling across continents on work. But your writing brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your pain. Words are not enough to make things alright but I hope it lessens the pain. I wish I could meet you in person and give you a hug.
I (and am sure a lot of other SPN fans) have often looked to your articles to make us feel better so it feels nice to know that it in some small way the fans have helped in making you feel better. Your writing is full of enthusiam and hope that its infectious. It always ALWAYS makes me feel good. So thank you so much for that. You are an amazing person, an inspiration and I wish you all the very best for the future. My thoughts & prayers are with you. I hope to meet you someday (as a fellow SPN fan and a fellow Dean Girl).
Take care swetondean. Hang in there. We’re all there for you.
Btw I have a wonderful and rare pic of Jensen putting his hand on someone’s shoulder as if to say its going to be ok. I thought it appropriate to share it with you. I dont know why but I cant seem to post it here. I’ll find a way soon.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father 8 years ago; it was, and at times still is, very difficult. I’m glad to hear that you’ve received so much support from the SPN Family; you’ve certainly earned it all with all the time, effort, and thought you’ve given us on a daily basis through this website. Please accept my condolences as well.
Hi Amy, so, so sorry for your loss. It’s always difficult to lose a loved one, but having the support of others always makes it that tiny little bit easier, too. It’s a wonder how much this show can help during hard times, so I’m glad you’ve found some comfort there. You’re in my thoughts, too.
Just want to add that sometimes I feel like I’ll get to point where I’m not surprised anymore at the generosity in this fandom, but it still gets me evey time.
Wow Amy, those boys can sure work some magic, with how amazing they are as genuine people, with what they do on the show and how they inspire and bring so many diverse people together. I am so glad you found some solace through the messages of friendship and especially through the comforting sounds of the boys as you go to sleep at night. Truly special.
Hi, sweetondean. I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. I.. don’t have the words to express how sad I am.
But I’m also very glad that you have such amazing friends in life and fandom that support you and think of you. I am too.
I’m also glad that SPN has eased your pain. I can’t even count the ways how many times I’ve fell asleep watching show. I agree, it is comforting. The love of Sam and Dean is a powerfull force, their story has brightened my day so many times. Epic Love Story of Sam and Dean indeed. But that love encompasses us all 🙂
Lots of love, strenght and hugs to you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my father when I was 13 (a long time ago) and my mom passed on 13 years ago, and there isn’t a day I don’t think about them. It’s the hardest thing to go through, but time does heal all wounds and what you’re left with are all the good memories and it sounds like you have plenty of your dad. I’m glad you have so many friends and what sounds like a great family to help you through this difficult time. Sending cyber hugs your way.
When one looses a parent, it is like a piece of you is missing. Both of my parents are dead and you realize that there is no one you can go back and ask questions if there is something you are unsure about. Cherish your mother and make sure that you love her and get all her thoughts and memories…because when they are gone….that’s it.
I am sorry for your loss.
I am sorry for your loss… dads are very special. Wishing you raise above and live the life your dad was so proud of.
Words aren’t enough to express my sorrow for your loss. It’s amazing and beautiful that you have been able to draw strength from your Supernatural family, and from the show itself.
It’s been a couple of years now since I lost someone special, and it’s still a comfort to have Sam and Dean in the background. I do exactly the same thing when I sleep at night.
I know we’ve never really “talked”, except for a few small comments on these boards, but please accept my cyber-hug and all the best and sincerest wishes of my heart for you to find peace and courage.
What a wonderful supportive community we all have in the SPNFamily. Still thinking of you, and will definitely give you a for-real hug at VegasCon *hugs*
I didn’t know about this until now. I’m so very sorry for your loss, sweetondean!
I understand your pain as I had lost all of my family before Supernatural came along. When I first discovered it, I was an active person, though alone (except for my few remaining friends, my dog, cat, parrot and horse. 😕 ) In a short while I became disabled, and because of the two J’s and the show I can say that life is still worth living and I’m still looking forward to all my tomorrows. It’s amazing the effect those two have on me, and others like you!
Since then, I’ve lost more friends and my dear beloved pets and if I didn’t have Supernatural I don’t know how I would keep depression at bay!
It will slowly get better for you and you will remember all the great times with your dad without as much pain as at this time.
Sweetondean, you cheer me endlessly with your postive reviews and your outlook and your wonderful articles and I want you to know how much I appreciate them and how much you personally contribute to my happiness.
Thank you so much! 🙂
Bev
Only now I hear of your loss, and I don’t know what to say. Just that I’m so sorry, and I wish I could hug you in person. SPN can be very inspirational, sometimes (it was for me, in some situations), and I hope it can help your healing. Please, take care of yourself.
Love
Claudia
I am so sorry for your loss. I know just what you mean – I lost my Dad after a 6 month coma/brain damaged horror, my best friend 3 days later, my stepmother one year later and my ten year job 8 months after that. In the middle of attempting to recover from all of that I found SPN and I found Twitter and I found this website and others and I found this wonderful, creative, warm community who welcomed me with open arms and is still helping me recover. If there is anything I can do, if you need an ear, you can find me on Twitter.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Amy, but I am very glad that you’ve received so much support & comfort from the fan community. It really is a big family! I’ve been out of the loop a bit with a trip to New Zealand & then long work hours, so I haven’t been up to date with all the Supernatural & WFB news. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words seem inadequate but I know that all of us in the SPN family send our love and support to you and your family always.
Hi Amy, what a beautifully written piece of article. Family don’t end with blood. We are here for you, always.
Keep kicking it in the ass, Amy.
Tiny
xoxo
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s plain to see, though, that you have so much love and support from this SPN family. I hope you continue to find comfort in the cherished memories of your dad and through this fandom, and of course from this “little show that could.”
Oh sweatondean, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. I lost my mother a few years ago,losing a parent is hard. Glad to hear the Spn Family stepped up and made you feel a little better. After the death of my mother and loss of my job due to health reasons I was in a bad place, but I found SPN finally last year and it has helped me so much,I listen to I tunes all night , many nites, it does feel right to sleep with it in the background. Like others have mentioned, I wanted to thank you for you upbeat, witty articles and reviews, I enjoy them, and an also a fellow Dean girl! Hope to meet you at a Con. sometime. take care of yourself, your dad would want nothing else for you!