Have you ever wondered, “How do I get in bed with the vessel of a higher angel?”. Well, if you have then this article is for you. If not then you need help…like, now. Once you seek help then this article will be for you too! Why? Because this is Anna’s 12 Steps to Obtaining the Vessel of Your Dreams.
Step one: Act crazy – Men love a chick that is a little nucking futters. Their minds just go wild with thoughts of stuff like, “If she’s this crazy when it comes to reality, I can’t wait to see how insane she is in the sack!”
Step Two: Escape from your current living facility – It’s true; if you have followed step one to the tee you are probably locked away in some sort of asylum for “your own safety”. Prove to the man of your dreams that you’re a bad ass by breaking out.
Step Five: Create a demand – I had the help (and I use that term loosely) of Castiel and Uriel showing up but any one of your guy friends will do. Ask them to suddenly show up and, in front of your vessel-to-shag, demand that you go with them. Suddenly your dream vessel will want you all the more because you’re in high demand.
Step Six: Create a deadly demand – Now here’s where you throw the curve ball. Tell your guy friends that they also need to threaten your life. That way your vessel will feel the sudden urge to protect you. For further reference please refer back to step four.
Step Seven: Be artistic and wounded at the same time – I accomplished this by slicing up my hands and using the blood to create an angel banishing sigil. Doing something drastic, yet expressive, like this will show your vessel you mean serious business! Plus, what better way for him to get close contact with you than to clean you wounds while admiring your art work.
Step Eleven: Throw in end of the Earth references – Make sure you mention to your man that the end of the Earth is near. This will get him thinking about one thing and one thing only, “What? I don’t want to die without one last little roll in the hay!” Unless your vessel is a virgin. Then it may be more like, “What? I don’t want to die without ever experiencing a roll in the hay!”
Step Twelve: Make love in a way that is oddly reminiscent of James’ Cameron’s Titanic – Dudes won’t admit this, but they love that movie just as much as chicks do. So if you suddenly say, “Hey, let’s shag in the back of your car with steamy windows and a possible hand thrown onto the window,” your chances of scoring with the vessel of a higher angel increase tenfold.
*Possible side effects of this measure may include pissed off vessel of higher angel, said vessel never being born, or death resulting from not so happy angel of the vessel.