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"The French Mistake" 6/15
Robin's Rambles by Robin Vogel
Sam and Dean are spending a very stormy night at Bobby's. Dean pours the last drop of hooch into a glass and tells Sam that, despite the dreadful weather, "hero" Bobby has gone into town on a supply run for "Hunter's Helper."
Angel Balthazar abruptly joins them, mumbling about THE GODFATHER, Raphael, and the scene where everyone gets blown away. Even though Dean says, "Hey!" twice, Balthazar ignores him, grabs a bowl and begins flinging ingredients like sea brine, lamb's blood and vertebra, praising Bobby for his excellent pantry. "Why are you bringing up THE GODFATHER?" asks Sam. The angel pats Dean on the arm, assuring him he heard him. "Where's Cas?" asks Dean. "Cassie," says Balthazar, "has gone deep deep underground, so good old Raffie put out a hit on every last Samaritan who helped dear Cas, including both of you--and so much more importantly, me. He wants to draw Cas out into the open." "You expect us to just believe you?" asks Sam suspiciously. "Believe me, don't believe me, you'll go where I throw you, either way," says Balthazar, coughing, drawing a sigil on the window. "What's that supposed to mean?" asks Dean. "That's all the time we have, gentlemen," says the angel, hearing the sound of someone else joining them. He opens his coat, revealing a stab wound. "What happened there?" asks Dean. "Oh, garish, I know," says Balthazar, "Uncle Raffie sent one of his nastiest to handle me, I'm flattered, actually, and down at luck, at the moment, that's all right, here's for you." He hands Sam a set of keys. "What am I supposed to do with this?" Sam asks. "Run with it," advises the angel as he's flung away from them. A nasty-looking man in a black coat comes after him. "Virgil," says Balthazar, adding, for the brothers, "I SAID RUN!!!!"
Sam and Dean explode through Bobby's window. . .
. . .and onto a bunch of thick blue pads. "Cut!" calls a balding man as a bunch of people gathered around applaud. A man slaps Jensen on the butt and praises him: "Real good, solid fall, way to go." "Jared, Jensen, outstanding, that was just great!" shouts the balding man. A man comes behind them with an electronic clapboard and says, "SUPERNATURAL, Scene one, act one, tail site, marker!"
Editor's comments: I love that Balthazar calls Castiel Cassie. It's very funny. And that Dean considers Bobby a hero for going out into a bad storm for Hunters' Helper--booze.
I adore Balthazar and the way he robs odd items from Bobby's desk and fridge like he's borrowing sugar to bake a cake. Blood and vertebra, anyone?
Even though I was spoiled for this ep's premise, damn it, I loved the way they literally spilled Sam and Dean onto a SUPERNATURAL set. I wonder--does someone REALLY smack Jensen on the butt and praise him for a great stunt like that? Does Jensen mind? I thought he was kind of private.
The brothers stare around at the set of SUPERNATURAL, nonplussed. "So, no angels," says Sam. "No angels I think," agrees Dean. The balding man is arguing with another over the scene just filmed. "It's not a problem with the stunt," one says, "it's a problem with the signal." Sam and Dean wonder if these guys might be killing anybody. "It gets us right up to the scene where they hit the window," says another guy. "The scene where they hit the window was the good part," notes the director. "We can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes," says the other guy, "so we'd have to blow off the scene where they'd sit on the Impala and talk about their feelings." "Right," laughs the director as Sam and Dean note the glass is rubber, "you answer the hate mail." "Or, we can have them fly out the window, then. . .freeze frame!" suggests the other man, "then cut to black, act out." "Freeze frame," says the director. "Freeze frame," repeats the guy who suggested it, unsure. "Serviceable," says the guy to the director's left. "Fine--whatever," says the director, "season six, moving on." "Moving on!" says the standing guy into his walkie talkie, "that's a wrap on Jared and Jensen!" "Who the hell are. . .?" Sam starts to ask, then a woman grabs him by the arm, calling him Jared, and drags him away for an interview while another pushes Dean into a chair to cleanse makeup off his face. "I'm not wearing any makeup," he insists, trying to push her away, but he touches his face and sees himself in the mirror. "Aw, crap, I'm a painted whore," he realizes. LMAO!
Sam is being interviewed by Trish Evion, who thinks she's speaking with Jared Padalecki of TV's SUPERNATURAL. "So, Jared, season six," she says, seating him in a chair as a camera is aimed at him. "You beat the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again," she says, "so tell us--what's next for Sam Winchester?" "Look," he says, totally confused, "I really don't. . ." "And if you could include the question in your answer, thanks," she says. Someone comes by with a huge basket of candy, and everyone helps themselves. Dean stares, but doesn't partake. He meets Sam. "They put freakin' makeup on us, those bastards," he says through gritted teeth. Sam says that whatever Twilight Zone Balthzar sent them to, it's apparently a place where their life is a TV show. "Why?" wonders Dean--"seriously, why would anyone want to watch our lives?" "According to the interviewer," says Sam, "not very many people do. I'm not saying it makes sense, we landed in a dimension where you're Jensen Ackles and I'm something called a Jared Padalecki." "Oh so what, now you're Polish?" demands Dean--"is any of this making any sense to you?" They exit sound stage four, where Dean sees the Impala. "At least my Baby made it," he says, delighted. He starts to object when he sees someone throwing mud on it, then notes there are FOUR Impalas, some wrecked. "I feel sick," he says, I'm gonna be sick, I wanna go home, I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me." Sam agrees. They decide to try to reach Cas. "I'll take a shot if he's still alive," says Dean, standing in front of a fake doorway--"Dear Castiel, who may be rotting his ass far away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on. Breaker, breaker." They see Cas standing there and race toward him. "Thank God," says Dean, "what is all this, huh? What did Balthazar do to us?" "To keep you out of Virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality," intones Cas, "a universe similar to ours in most respects, yet dramatically different in others." "Like Bizarro earth, right?" asks Dean, "except instead of having Bizarro Superman, we get THIS clown factory." "Uhm, yeah, well," says Cas, "anyway, no time to explain, do you have the key?" Sam gives it to him, asking, "What does this thing do, anyway?" "It opens a room," says Cas, "containing every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven." "He gave it to us?" asks Dean. "To keep it safe until I could reach you," says Cas, "with those weapons, I have a chance to rally my forces." "Oh, okay, good, yeah," says Sam, "so what's the deal with all this TV crap?" "Pardon?" asks Cas. "Yeah, amen, Padaleski," says Dean. "Padalecki, I'm pretty sure," corrects Sam. "Man, they put out new pages?" complains Misha, gazing at paperwork in his hands. "What is this, a cosmic joke?" asks Sam. "If it is, it's stupid and we don't get it," says Dean. Loosening his tie, Misha Collins asks, "Are you guys OK?" "Gimmee that," orders Dean, grabbing the papers from Misha and looking them over. "These are words from a script, he tells Sam, "this isn't Cas." "Look at him!" says Sam. "You guys wanna run lines or?" asks Misha, revealing a blue t-shirt under Cas' suit. "His name's Misha," says Dean, giving the actor an odd look, "MISHA??" "Oh, wow," says Sam, taking back the key, "great." Dean returns the script changes to him and they walk away. "Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here?" asks Dean. "You guys! You really punk'd me!" Misha calls after them, tossing the pages at them, threatening, "I'm totally gonna Tweet this one!" Taking out his phone, he writes, "Ola, Mishamigos! J-squared got me good!"
Dean tells Sam he wants to dig his finger into his brain and scratch till he's back in Kansas. (Dean, don't even give Sam that image!)
Misha's Tweet: "Really starting to feel like one of the guys."
The brothers find Fake Ackles' trailer sitting on the street. "This must be fake mine," he says. Behind them is a built-in fish tank. "Dude, I have a helicopter!" Dean notes with glee. They see the huge aquarium and decide to find out who this guy Ackles is. Sam sits down at his computer. "He's not a hunter, but he plays one on TV," says Dean. Dean picks up an issue of SUPERNATURAL magazine and stares at the cover. "Nice BLUE STEEL, Sam." "Apparently, it's our job," says Sam. The computer reveals Jensen is from Texas. "And ew, says you were on a soap opera," reveals Sam. "What?" says Dean, disgusted. A brief, embarrassing clip of Jensen playing Eric Brady from DAYS OF OUR LIVES plays on the computer. Dean quickly closes it. "I don't like this universe, Sammy, we've got to get out of this universe!" Sam agrees, but doesn't think their prayers are reaching the real Cas. Dean agrees--they are out of cell phone range, but, if they can reverse Balthazar's spell. . . He picks up a lined yellow pad. (The place even has a fireplace!) "If we just get the ingredients, get back to that same window, there's no place like home," says Dean, holding up a picture of the sigil Balthazar drew on the window.
Returning to the set, the brothers find every prop made of rubber, useless for their purposes. The director watches them complaining that everything is fake, sees Jensen stabbing Jared with a fake knife, and says, "Well at least they're talking to each other." "What are you supposed to do with this crap?" asks Dean, flapping a long knife back and forth irritably. "Of course everything's fake," says Sam as they head toward the Impala, "we're on a film set." "Now you're talkin'" says Dean as they climb, in unison, into the Impala, intent on rounding up the genuine articles they need for the spell. Alas, that proves to be only a prop, too. "How the hell are we supposed to get out of here?" Dean asks a hapless guy carrying a stop sign, thanking him so much for not taking the car.
We see the brothers leaving K M Studio with their bodyguard, Cliff (not the real one). He asks Jensen where he wants to go. "I'll just tag along with J-J. . ." "Jared," supplies Sam. "Since when are you guys talkin'?" asks Cliff. Haltingly, not remembering Cliff's name, Jared says they're going back to his place to do some. "Work on our acting," finishes Jensen. For their characters. For the show. "All right," chuckles Cliff. "Where are we, anyway?" asks Dean. They pass a sign that says Vancouver. "Dude, we're not even in America," says Dean. LMAO!
They enter Jared's palatial mansion. "Nice, modest digs, Jay Z," teases Dean. "Wow, I must be the star of this thing," says Sam, staring around. "Yeah right," says Dean. They see a tanning bed. "What am I, Dracula?" asks Sam. Dean opens it. "George Hamilton Dracula," Dean says. He spots a bar and goes over to get a drink. "Now we're talkin'," he says. Hearing a noise, Dean checks outside. "Dude, you have a camel in your backyard!" says Dean. "It's an alpaca, dumb-ass," corrects Genevieve Padalecki, dressed in a short, hot, black cocktail dress from the balcony above them. "Ruby?" asks an astonished Dean. The brothers stare at each other, horrified, then look at two giant paintings, one of Jared and one of this woman hanging on the walls (narcissist much)? "Ruby, right, 'cause that one never gets old," says Gen. She walks right up to Sam, leans up and kisses him on the mouth. "How was work today, hon?" Dean watches the buss with avid interest.
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