Forbidden Elephants: The Most Forbidden, Issue #4, Part Two

While little Sammy has the addiction issues out front and center, our Dean likes to hide his issues. Granted, Sam is all kinds of messed up, but with him, at least, he has the whole intellectual objectivity going on so he knows he’s unhealthy most of the time and when he doesn’t, he has rationalized the hell out of his dysfunction. But Dean? Oh Dean lives in the land of denial, which is not a river in Egypt (newsflash: makes sense Dean would be judged by an Egyptian God – oh show, you are so allusory). 
 

Dean Winchester: Who am I? The Other Shoe, of course. 

Song suggestion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2iIHup9zKA
 
While little Sammy has the addiction issues out front and center, our Dean likes to hide his issues. Granted, Sam is all kinds of messed up, but with him, at least, he has the whole intellectual objectivity going on so he knows he’s unhealthy most of the time and when he doesn’t, he has rationalized the hell out of his dysfunction. But Dean? Oh Dean lives in the land of denial, which is not a river in Egypt (newsflash: makes sense Dean would be judged by an Egyptian God – oh show, you are so allusory). 
 
Okay, so Dean has some identity issues that we see fairly early in the series, don’t you agree? Daddy’s little soldier? Sam’s big brother? Cassie’s ex-lover? In many ways he’s like Mary’s forgotten son. Now before we go all sad and angsty for Dean, I must admit that I think his sexual identity is the most conflicted of all. We’ll talk about that in a moment. But let’s just say that Dean’s our own little emotional shapeshifter – so actually “Skin” makes sense in retrospect. Sam would get his ass possessed, of course, while Dean would just get his body stolen, and really can you blame the shapeshifter? I’d steal that body…not to wear, well not to wear in the way the shapeshifter wore him. 
 
<Linda lets herself fantasize a moment – ah yes, Dean’s a top>. Okay, I’m back. 
 
In truth, Dean has like crazy level identity issues that are just scary wrong. The whole “let me die” issue in “Faith” comes to mind, which is a theme that repeats itself horribly throughout the series. Why you want to die, Dean? We don’t want you to die…we cried harder than poor Sammy when the hellhounds ripped you apart and made you a flesh tuxedo. Really, why? Deathwish!Dean is not for the faint of heart…
 
And then there’s the whole “Salvation” speech about coming to get Sam because he wants his family back together, which really translates to “please don’t leave me alone in the world, Sammy” and can be seen as a little dependent, shall we say? Hell, the whole hunting things, saving people spiel is just a way to say, “Sammy, you belong with me.” And sacrificing himself for Sam and then justifying it by saying he should’ve been dead anyway? Yeah, Dean is like self-destructive, in a James Dean off the cliff in a roadster kind of way, which is also freaky hot. <you’re judging – don’t judge, it’s unbecoming> 
 
But why the self-flagellation and death wishing? It’s really a pre-series issue that we have to intuit from evidence. I, for one, think Dean’s identity conflict invokes, like a bad spirit from a Ouija board, his own ambiguous, and perhaps demonic, feelings about his brother and about himself, and while he has his own addictions as well, like to television, girls, and guns, Dean’s major addiction is to Sam. 
 
And that addiction helps make sense of the breakline between his manliness and his more girly side because before Dean was anything else, at least in this story, he was the replacement for the dead mother. In a way, Dean’s like a geek, a girl, and a gremlin all rolled into one character but with the manly car and the totally hot ass <I objectify you happily, Jensen.> Now before the DeanSquad finds my home address and sends its ninja assassins to take me out, let me explain my position. I’m not saying Dean’s girly (sometimes but not all the time) because I recognize his machismo and peacocking as classic Western masculinity – you know the kind that screams, “I can move small mountains and large cities with the power of my penis!” 
 
He drives a muscle car – check; he has a deep voice with a southern twang – double check that with a side of LOST’s Sawyer; and he looks like he could bounce quarters off both his ass and abs – triple check that, baby. So Dean is very guy-ly, but there’s more to it than that, because like Sam says in “Playthings” – perhaps the butch is a little overcompensatory….and he’s kind of in denial of everything. He’s addicted to the denial and the deferral, methinks.  
 
You see, Dean, you’re all macho man like, but there’s a little woman inside you, right? You are soulful and beautiful and just frigging gorgeous. Now, part of this has to do with your portrayer – womb-crushing, soul-edifying, want to snag your hair, clone you, and populate the world with your image Ackles – but most of it has to do with your incredible love for the boy named Sam and the personality contortions you twist yourself into so he can have the normal life he has always claimed not to have. That had to hurt, didn’t it, knowing that all the things you sacrificed and all the times you cared were negated as abnormal?  I mean, you took on the face of mother, father, brother, friend, enemy, partner….what exactly have you not been to this kid? More importantly, what have you been to yourself? 
 
Well, you have the whole mother complex down pat. If I see you wipe blood away from your brother’s face one more time like you need a Kleenex and some spit, I’m going to start bawling. And let’s not forget you’re named after Deanna, the grandmother. And again, the tenderness of your touch. And the whole mother thing is totally John’s fault, by the way. You gave up your Lucky Charms! Only a mother would give up her Lucky Charms….I have no kids so no one’s getting mine. I don’t care. They have marshmallows, people! Marshmallows!  You’re a good mom, Dean. And you prove that again and again throughout the series. From the moment you grabbed Sammy from the fire to the moment you held the dead Sammy in your arms, each moment of the first two seasons seemed to be the “how can we demonstrate how well and how often Dean took care of Sammy?” and even more sadly, for you, “who was there to take care of Dean?” So you hunt bad things and you take care of your brother…and the hunting bad things are really to protect the brother, right? By the way, I know you’ve read Vonnegut, Dean, but have you read Sophocles? There’s this guy, Oedipus…..anyway…..
 
Of course, besides being maternal, you have some other more feminine qualities like your fangirl nature. Yes, I know there are fanboys, but in the world of Supernatural? Let’s be honest here. I mean you like Grey’s Anatomy…I mean “Dr. Sexy, MD.” You notice cowboy boots (and yes to that Dean – we should so go shopping together).  You fangirl out at horror film stars (and also being in chaps, which is a whole other issue altogether and might explain why you were in a gay club and mistakenly identified as a s in a potential D/s situation….wait a minute, D/s, like in Dean/Sam? Hell yes!). Okay, that’s a stretch, but give me this one. Just let me have it, please? 
 
Now, of all your personalities, FanGirl Dean is my favorite, but I can get behind Soulful Motherly Dean and BadAss!TheWorldisBlackandWhite!Dean. Fundamentalists can be hot too, y’all. Just ‘cause B/W!Dean clings to his hunting rules like a backwoods preacher clings to his NIV Bible doesn’t mean a thing. Remember, those are usually the ones caught in the airport bathroom signaling for oral sex. 
 
I’m also kinda totally into DomesticatedDean, as long as you wear that workshirt and make the bacon. Everything’s better with pork. Gives a whole new meaning to Pig in a Poke, don’t it? 
 
But the best Dean you’ve ever been is Season 4 Alt!Dean, the Dean that Zachariah saw fit to dress up like the most awesome version ofa gay male model ever. I mean, like ever – have you seen you in that episode – is that not a Dean made for the cover of Out Magazine? You, Armani, MasterCleanse, and automatically assuming that Sam is making a pass and also knowing that the gym is the place to rendezvous?  Zachariah is my favorite fan fic writer, by the way. I’d read more of his stuff. 
 
Oh come on, people, the show is like putting a neon sign on Dean that reads “Dean could be a little gay, boys! Get ‘im!” Makes it better to innuendo the Wincest with that Dean in the room, let me tell you. 
 
Oh I think the show knows something about Dean that it can’t quite say, but implies again and again. And let’s not forget the hotness, because Dean is the type of untouchable hot that belongs on magazine covers – you know the ones that show us the guys we’ll never have? Yep, that’s our Dean. All untouchable and soulful and perfect. (Note: The hotness? There’s a reason Jensen is a fav of afterelton.com….)
 
Another side note: Sad trenchcoat hugging Dean of “Hello Cruel World” is just screaming to be in this part of the essay. Sad Dean, let me hold you. Sad Dean is so hot.

Now before you get all insulted that I’ve equated male homosexuality with femininity, no that’s not what I am doing. I’m saying that the feminine nature of Dean allows us to see the cracks in his homegrown American masculinity, which in turn shows the almost multiplex of personalities he’s got – like I said before, Sam ain’t the first one to crack open like Humpty Dumpty.  It’s Dean’s nature, as he has twisted himself into all kinds of roles for the love of one man, who happens to be his brother. He needn’t ever have had to sell his soul – it was already owned. 
 
But maybe I am being biased. Perhaps Dean’s more “feminine” characteristics are the show’s way of asserting a gender balance, seeing as how you can’t get girls to stay or stay alive on the show, so maybe he’s just the happy medium. And he did geek out over Clint Eastwood and cars, so he’s an equal opportunity luster. He’s manly and doesn’t show his feelings. He’s like Home Improvement Dean. Yeah, Dean the Tool Man Winchester. 
 
Just because he sells his soul, goes to hell, returns from hell, kills Sam’s demon girlfriend, and acts all betrayed over the whole thing….that’s just normal brotherly reaction. You see it all the time. Yeah, of course. Also, I got a bridge and it’s in Brooklyn. Anyone interested in taking it off my hands? 
 
Now here’s the thing, girls. That’s the question. What is Dean to Dean? I think therein lies the great Wincest gap because Dean’s affection is tied intimately to his damaged identity. He doesn’t know what the hell he is, really. And Sam’s demon addiction and psychic tendencies do not help this confusion because Sam totally harshes the mellow by not being what he was supposed to be! Little brother, partner in crime, and companion…and Sam had to go and get potentially evil as well as grow up?! No fair. 
 
So is Dean a hunter? Well, if so, he’s a piss poor one since he’s been living with his prey for nigh on 20-some years and has yet to kill it. Is he brother? Yeah, kind of, mixed with mother/father/teacher. Is he partner? Yes and no. He’s partner and hunter. Sam is partner and prey. But that’s too serious for this….Let’s just say that Dean is a good barometer for the denial of feelings that is Winchester canon. And unlike Sam, who can compartmentalize the crap out of anything – friggin computer that he is – Dean is just prone to more physical desires. He’s the id to Sam’s superego. 
 
Where Sam likes research and Cthulhu, Dean likes the food, the sex (off screen because it is my belief that the CW refuses to let Ackles loose half-naked and in love scenes because it would melt television sets and they fear lawsuits), the alcohol, and other physical pleasures, like fighting, that bring instant gratification. Oh and boy, does Dean like the fighting! You’d almost think he gets off on it….right?  I could go all academic geek again and discuss how fighting could be seen as a metaphor for physical gratification, like when you are really jealous or you are really frustrated or you are really horny? But nah, that’s not at all what Winchester fighting is about. It’s about good ol’ American testosterone, right? No metaphor here. Keep walking and carry on, y’all. 
 
So I’m gonna call a spade, a spade – Dean is fragmented, broken, shot wide like drugged addled and sex glazed pupils. Dean’s identity is so tied up with Sam that he’s hard to pin down, and the fighting? Okay, he tends to punch a lot and like it, which is understandable. He feels the pain to stay alive. It’s the compass on his ship and what brings him the most pain? Or should I ask who? There’s something incredibly addicting about pain. It has its own pleasures, has its own demons, let’s just say. It reminds you of who you are, what you have done, and for Dean, pain has a ground zero. But for all his pain, Dean has learned restraint, through denial…in fact the whole show was in restraints, to be honest, until Season 4, which I like to call…..
 

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