Dude. We’re Not Even In America
Beeepp!… You’ve reached Sam and Dean.. We can’t take your call right now.. We’re off trying to find The Mother of All.. Or, we’re dead, grievously injured, or having an intensely emotional conversation over the roof of the Impala.. So, if you’re a fellow hunter, or vampire, dragon, skinwalker, demon, angel or neighbouring country, please leave us a message at the beep and we’ll probably get right back to you.. Eventually… After we save the world.. Beeepp!
Oh hey, Sam and Dean…
Umm.. Hi.. It’s me.. Canada calling.. Remember?.. We met the other day, when you guys just popped in?
I feel so bad about not being better prepared for your visit. I’ve always admired your work, and I really, really wanted to make a good impression.
If I’d had an inkling you were on your way, I’d have pulled out all the stops. I’d have given the Rocky Mountains some fresh powder snow. I’d have painted the most amazing sunset of cotton-candy pink and dragon’s-treasure-gold on that big, big sky over the prairies.
I could even have lined up a job for you. There’s this thing in Ontario.. Well, it’s more a place really.. It’s called The Sleeping Giant.. It’s this huge chunk of land that looks exactly like a man sleeping on his back, with his arms folded on his chest. Day after day, he just lies out there in Lake Superior, offshore from the city of Thunder Bay.
Now, I know it’s probably nothing. He’s been there for-like-ever. But lately, I swear that sometimes he moves. Just like the eyes in all those creepy, haunted paintings. Some days, The Giant is so close to land, I expect him to stand up and wade to shore. But if it’s foggy or misty, it’s like he disappears completely. I mean he’s quite attractive and all, but now? With this Mother of All crap? What if he is getting up and moving around? What if the two of them took a shine to each other??? Yikes! Those would be some BIG babies!!
I’m really bummed because I had such big plans for your first visit. I was going to make you a special dinner. Maybe a lobster from Nova Scotia? A smoked-meat sandwich from Montreal? A stack of pancakes with maple syrup? How about a Canadian back-bacon-cheddar-cheese-(Alberta beef)-burger? Washed down of course, with a cold, refreshing brewski, like a Molson Canadian, or a Labatt’s Blue.
But, please don’t think I’m blaming you for not calling first. I know you didn’t have any control over your arrival. Bright side – at least your landing was soft! So was it raining in Vancouver when you got here? I’ve always thought the drizzly weather, and grey, ominous skies would make it the perfect location to shoot a brilliant, thought-provoking, moody atmospheric TV drama that pretends to be about horror, and urban legends, but is really about the relationship between two brothers, and what they’re willing to sacrifice for each other. But, you know.. Hard to sell an idea like that.. I wonder if anyone would watch.. Just thinking out loud!
I’m glad to hear Dean figured out our money. I know. I know. It kind of looks like “Monopoly money” because of all the colours. But, I really like it. It makes it easy to tell all the denominations apart. Plus, the coins are fun. We get to throw around the word “Loonie” on a regular basis. (Tee hee! Snort! Canadian humour! You do know the one dollar coin has a picture of a loon on it, right?)
And I must shake my head, and apologize for Virgil and the whole gun thing. I mean you can certainly pick up a gun on the black market here. But, it’s usually a tad bit more difficult to buy a gun from a store! I mean there is the Firearms Safety Course to take, and all the paperwork to fill out. Perhaps, I should just call a Royal Commission of Inquiry to sort it all out. That’s usually what I do when I wish a problem would just go away!
Truth is, I’m feeling a tad vulnerable here. I just wanted you guys to like me. That’s partly because I thought you might understand the relationship I have with your country. We’re sort of like brothers too. I’m younger and bigger, but I still respect my older bro’s age and experience. But that doesn’t mean I always agree with him. The two of us share lots in common, but we still have our own way of doing things. We have slightly different values, which lead to different perspectives on problems, and different solutions too. Of course, that means we occasionally exchange harsh words, or our feelings get hurt, but thankfully, only once or twice has it ever lead to conflict. Overall, I really respect America, and trust him. And I know he feels the same about me. I’d say with over 5,000 kilometres between us, we have each other’s backs too. Can you guys identify with what I’m saying? Have you ever felt like that?
I should probably hang up now, because I’m sure I’ve filled up your answering machine. But, I’m trying to summon my courage to say just one more thing.
Okay. Here goes… I know you’re probably more a baseball or football (or golf?) guy Dean. Although, I totally get this vision of you sitting at a basketball game, beside a beautiful woman, who is obviously very special to you. But Dean, you gotta give hockey another try!
I know we talk about it, ad nauseam. That, and the weather. (Did I happen to mention I’m sunny, cloudy, windy, snowy, rainy, sleety, and suffering from hot flashes and wind chill today?) But, I’m sure you two would love hockey. It combines speed with skill, brawn with brain. (Sounds like these two hunters I know.) It’s kind of a religion for me, with the Stanley Cup as my most holy relic. It’s hard to describe just how important this sport is to me. I mean what else are you going to do when it’s cold more than 6 months a year? It’s so much fun to watch, but even better to play. In fact, you guys would be brilliant at it, if you could skate. Sasquatch Sam wouldn’t even stand out, since there are lots of guys as big as, or even bigger than him.
Wow! Look at the time. I know I’m a bit long-winded so thanks for listening. I feel a lot better getting all that off my chest.
But the real reason I called? I’m inviting you back, say next July, for an extended visit of about 9 months. We could grab some cameras, and document your whole trip. It’d be fun! And the very least I could do, is make sure some Northern (spot)Lights are shining on you.
Gotta go. I have an Arctic air mass to send to the Midwest, and Eastern seaboard.
Travel safe, boys.
This was Canada calling. You can reach me care of the 49th Parallel.