The Lonely Kind of Thought
This show is going to be the death of me. The slow kind. After watching the last episode, again, I felt again saddened by the developments, even though there were no major tragedies here, no betrayals in the category we’ve witnessed before, no terrible beatings or falls of tears from our heroes’ eyes. It might be the sentimentality to approaching Christmas that keeps enveloping me these days. Don’t know, really. So, forgive these ramblings of a stressed out brain…
The Lonely Kind of Thought
This show is going to be the death of me. The slow kind. After watching the last episode, again, I felt again saddened by the developments, even though there were no major tragedies here, no betrayals in the category we’ve witnessed before, no terrible beatings or falls of tears from our heroes’ eyes. It might be the sentimentality to approaching Christmas that keeps enveloping me these days. Don’t know, really. So, forgive these ramblings of a stressed out brain…
Strangely enough, this episode produced a dream I woke up with this morning that made me sit down and write. As in the aftermath several poems started ringing in my brain, I will mention them, as you know, my head is swarming with words of poets or writers I’ve read in my lifetime and their words seem so adequate while my own sometime appear not enough, and thereby try to define the various emotions that creep up my spine… I assume some of you might feel the same.
What would I give for a heart of flesh to warm me thro’,
Instead of this heart of stone ice-cold whatever I do;
Hard and cold and small, of all hearts the worst of all.
What would I give for words, if only words would come;
But now in its misery my spirit has fallen dumb:
O merry friends, go your way, I have never a word to say.
What would I give for tears, not smiles but scalding tears,
To wash the black mark clean, and to thaw the frost of years,
To wash the stain ingrain and to make clean again.
- Christina Rossetti, What Would I Give?
Looking at Sam during this episode felt like bathing in ice. And I realized, to the umpteenth time, how much I miss the ‘old Sam’. Rossetti describes it in her wonderful words. This Sam, who considers it somewhat easier to be what he is right now, probably couldn’t care less about becoming his old self. But the Sam we are all missing would in all likelihood give everything for that heart ‘of flesh to warm me thro’ ‘. Because the heart of Sam we fell in love with is not there. It’s ‘hard and cold and small, of all hearts the worst of all.’ There is not much to do, except wait and hope for the writers of the show to make the guys get his soul back.
Crowley pulls the strings here, the bastard. He’s enforcing his own kind of Patriot Act – get the monsters, get their sleeper cells, keep them confined till they talk… yes. A travesty of the Land of the Free (I wonder whether the writers actually would like to make a political statement I concealed form?). Even more as he uses good people, like the Winchesters and their allies, to do it. What if the skinwalkers only try to survive by finding a place with a family (like ‘Lucky’ did) to not feel lonely?
We live in a world where loneliness is pretty much the deal of the day. We use webcams to communicate, don’t even have to leave the house to post a letter, as we can do it via email. We don’t even have to go shopping, as everything can be ordered via the www. And still, we are lonelier than ever. There aren’t as many families around as, let’s say, a hundred years ago. Singles are the majority. We build walls because we are taught to be afraid instead of bridges to reach others.
How should a freak, such as the skinwalker, survive in this universe if not by deception – becoming the family dog and experience kindness? He felt loved in that family and he loved them back. The compassion he got to know there was unique; no one had ever been as kind to him. He has suffered from the cruellest dearth at all, the awareness of being unloved.
He took the chance of becoming a part of that family, and I believe before he was ‘recruited’ by the big, bad wolf he was nothing but a poor, desolate, hurting guy. In the end he proved that he loved that woman and her boy more than himself. And, as they sent him away, he decided to end his life by walking onto a busy road (that’s how I read that scene). And, furthermore, that family probably will be scarred for life and not even allow a ‘normal’ dog into their home – one more lonely boy, lonely woman.
It’s indeed a perversion of freedom – everyone being on their own. True, we are alone. We go through pain alone. Others might be there to encourage us, to hold our hand, to give us a hug, but they can’t take the pain away. That we have to master alone in our soul. And now, in this story, the ideal of the free will drives our beloved Winchesters to become caricatures of what they used to be. Sam acting as ‘Robocop’, Dean losing his faith, again… I am becoming aware, again, how many philosophical questions this show actually rises.
That last moment on the bench in the park… Dean’s face spoke of another kind of loneliness. The kind that in being born out of feeling estranged from his loved ones. He still doesn’t dare to call Lisa. And he doesn’t know that man who used to be his brother, once.
I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone enough
To truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small enough
To be to you just object and thing, dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying the path which leads to action;
And want during times that beg questions, where something is up,
To be among those in the know, or else be alone.
I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
Never be blind of too old to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent; for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be true before you;
Want to describe myself like a picture I observed for a long time, one close up,
Like a new world I learned and embraced, like the everyday jug,
Like my mother’s face, like a ship that carried me along through the deadliest storm.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, Too Alone In This World
Dean, the sad, broken, surrendering Dean is breaking my heart just as the cold Sam does. He must feel detached from this man before him, and yet he senses the old emotions that used to connect to Sam in the past. Those emotions that carried him ‘along through the deadliest storm’ and gave him strength and made him who he was. He knows what actions he might have to take, that he might have to become Crowley’s puppet to get Sam back, and he is aware that at the moment he is not among those ‘in the know’. There is so much going on behind the curtains. There is an army being built, to what purpose he doesn’t know, but it’s freaking him out.
Along with Dean’s fear and his feeling of being deserted, I sense a trepidation growing in my mind. They will have to do what’s necessary to get Sam back…? Well… what will this lead us to? If they don’t manage to do Crowley’s bidding (or simply refuse to do so) they will never get Sam’s soul back, since he claims to be the king of hell… does that mean that while Lucifer is in his cage, he doesn’t have any power over his minions down there? What a pathetic and very Dante-ish thought.
What if they needed to kill Sam to unite his body with his soul? What if the moment Sam’s body drops dead, a connections is established? Too many what ifs for my taste. Alas, this Sam is dangerous. He behaves spitefully. He treats the skinwalker with the kind of disrespect a man who knows how it feels to be a freak and tries desperately not to be would use. The contraphobic kind that makes a man mean and treacherous. For a moment with Sam’s let’s-kill-them-Plan-B I feared, what if we came to a situation in which Sam can’t be stopped by anything else but a bullet from Dean’s gun?
Now do our eyes behold
The tidings which were told:
Twin fallen kings, twin perished hopes to mourn,
The slayer, the slain
The entangled doom forlorn and ruinous end of twain.
Say, is not sorrow, is not sorrow’s sum
On home and hearthstone come?
Oh waft with sights the sail from shore
Oh smite the bosom, cadencing the oar
That rows beyond the rueful stream for aye to the far strand,
The ship of souls, the dark,
The unreturning bark
Whereon light never falls not foot of Day,
Even to the bourne of all, to the unbeholden land.
- Aeschylus, Lament for Two Brothers Slain by Each Others’ Hand
Though everything in my heart is in opposition to that idea alone, I can’t help but fear that the writers might go there. Dean slaying his brother, because the situation would leave him no choice?! I don’t want to even think of the lonely desperate rage and horrific pain that would then find a home in his soul. Dean has been broken several times and is somehow still standing.
But had he to actually slay his brother, I think he would not find a way back, no matter how dangerous Sam might have been in the very moment. Which might be an interesting set up for a season seven, however, I would prefer this one to end – for once – on a lighter note.
Would Dean really be ready to do that? Well, it might well be that he would rather kill this Sam than let the man-formerly-known-as-Sam become a cruel killer and doing those things he hinted at. Sorrow has indeed come on their ‘home and hearthstone’ long ago, and determined the fate of a dear, Mid-West family, sentenced them to a life in the prison of danger, mistrust, loneliness, fear, pain, sacrifice. Who has the strength to survive this?
These brothers used to, somehow, manage to endure the horrors thrown at them. By now we see the prints of those on the tender fabrics of their faces, and with every breath they take we feel the pain like a soft breeze coming from their lungs. They have worn more masks than they remember; they have seen more terrible deeds than any human being should. They played by rules set by their father, God, Lucifer, and demons though they didn’t always understand the plan. But even they must come to the end of their wits. Right now it feels like lead to me. I miss the laughter that betrothed me to their advertures. I miss the compassionate Sam, that living poet who reached out to people and touched their hearts. I miss the lovely Dean who made me forget Han Solo and found his place in my soul instead of that MrCool of my childhood.
It is a sensation like being deserted.
And in some ways we are right now. Our heroes, the ones we got to know over the past years have changed. They are not the men they used to be. As much as I love changes in characters and advocate the need for that, I love to find a reminder of what made me love these characters. Throughout all their former ordeals we always knew their souls and why they had to react the way they did.
Now I have no idea where this will lead to. They are looking for answers and so are we who follow the show. United in the kind of loneliness that makes our hearts heavy, as we miss the endearing moments this show used to have in abundance. This is the early Sunday morning train of thought of a fan who loves this show and who misses what she loved so much about it. It’s a soft hope for the soon return of the vibes of ‘old’. It’s a try to sort out my racing head…. I trust in reading these disjointed rambles you found something here that might resembled some of your own thoughts…
Jas, you expressed my feelings about this episode exactly, albeit far more poetically than I ever could! I couldn’t quite pin down why I felt so saddened when the credits rolled, especially when other Supernatural fans were saying how much they loved this episode. I didn’t find Sam’s snarks funny, I found them to be mean and downright cruel at times. And, like Dean, I was totally weirded out by Sam’s attitude.
But the saddest part for me was at the end when Sam told Dean he didn’t care about him at all, just needed him as a means to an end. This Sam? If I were Dean I wouldn’t trust him for one minute because Sam would just as soon sell out his brother if he felt it was in his best interest to do so.
All I can say is I sure hope they reunite Sam with his soul sooner rather than later. I really, REALLY miss our Sammy!
Your disjointed rambles are the most coherent I ever read. You put into words exactly how I feel right now. The past episode made me really sad.
Sam could come here to Brazil to try to be a little warmer. 🙂
Wonderful article Jas. You put into words exactly how I’m feeling. After Friday night, I had to walk away for a little bit because the ep made me so sad. I suspected what it meant for Sam to be soulless, that the glimpses of emotion we were seeing was just Sam pretending to fit in. But to hear him say those words to Dean just broke my heart.
I only hope that the writers are following the old phrase, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” or “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.” I miss old-Sam and I don’t like new-Sam, which I am sure is the aim of the writers. I am tired of watching Dean’s heart break over and over and over again. It would be very nice indeed to someday have both our guys back together again (though maybe still a bit broken because that’s to be expected) and on the same page, fighting evil and taking names. I think that the writers are very talented individuals who can do that and still keep it entertaining.
I haven’t given up. I have hope that we will see Sam with his soul again. Right now, I think I am desperately in need of a lighter episode and it looks like this week’s will be just that.
What an interesting piece Jas , I am sure it reflects what most of us are now feeling , not just about this episode but the series as a whole.
Loneliness , a difficult topic, I once read a quote to the effect that, if you want to clear a room, forget sex, religion or politics as a topic, talk about loneliness, this can clear that room quicker than anything. I think this is true as its such a visceral emotion and also it is terryfying.
This was in some ways a strange episode as I have never felt the way I did towards TMOTW before. Could anyone have not felt sympathy for that poor creature, the parallels between him and Dean were obvious and , though I knew it was not going to happen, I wanted a happy resolution for him .
Then to `Sam`. I can only imagine how awful it must be for you who love Sam so much to have to watch this show at the moment , This is , as we now all know , not Sam it is just a empty shell , there is nothing of the caring loving man in there. I dont believe him at all, anything he says, I doubt , I think he says and does anything he feels necessary to get the result he wants , I am sure he only wants Dean there with him as he recognises that together they make a formidable hunting team. I am like many others I do not find his one liners in the least funny , they are cold and nasty. His taunting and goading of the skinwalker was cruel and mean and made me very uncomfortable.
Then to Dean , the poor, lost and very lonely Dean. I think he has been lonely since he was 4 years old and was told to `take his brother outside` the burden of responsibilty he was given that day has built this loneliness over the years, it is something he has had no choice but to shoulder alone. This was compounded in Swan Song when he could do nothing but watch as Sam made that ultimate sacrifice. After losing the person closest in the world to him this loneliness would be unbearable even though he spent the following year in a loving family sometimes the loneliest place in the world is with others, whether a few friends or a huge crowd. I dont think this episode gave him any new information, he already knew that `Sam` would now probably sell him for a dollar if he really wanted that soda or that he does not really care about him but to hear `Sam` actually verbalise this was heartbreaking nontheless.
I would like a different resolution to the situation with with Lisa, I know that ultimately they will have to split, but the way this is being dealt with just does not sit right with me. I love Lisa but feel her acceptance of the seperation is just not realistic. This is a woman who a few weeks ago states this man is amazing with her child, and she has just spent the best year of her life with him, he then turns up in the middle of the night ,to say thank you, in obvious distress behaving totally out of character saying he is going to die , soon. In view of what she knows about his life , would she not demand answers about this ? I know I damn well would, not only for myself but as an explantion to give to Ben too.
I must admit all the talk of Dean having to kill Sam is making me very uncomfortable and I try not to go there , but I do think that worst case scenario it is a possibility. His promise in Playthings and statements of refusal to let his brother become a monster, and acceptance that he would rather he died human than become one , we all remember. You say about Dean being broken many times and how much more he can stand and I think this would finally be too much and I then visualise a situation like in Croatoan when he would then turn the gun on himself.
But as I said, I am NOT going there, I am desperately clinging now to the last couple of sentences from this week `we do what we have to do and we get my brother back`.I am sure this will happen , the only thing I wish is that it happens sooner rather than later as this is so hard and painful to watch, and ,like you I really want to see some smiles back on those beautiful faces. Sorry for the ramble, it is obviously catching around here .
Blimey Jas, talk about any colour as long as it’s black! Hope you’re wrong, though … I like a bit of angst but this is getting ridiculous.
Woe, woe, woe and a bottle of glum, indeed.
Hi Jasminka
Once again a beautifully written article.
I’m basically where you are as well.
After my first watch I walked away from this episode completely depressed. I also didn’t find Sam’s taunting very funny, I found it to be cruel and mean.
However I didn’t hold too much sympathy for Lucky either, he did kill three people that didn’t deserve to die. And he was a bit of a pervert.
Anyways after a few days to calm down and think about things, I decided to re-watch the episode with an open mind and did walk away with a different perspective. I found the end not as ominous as I thought. That maybe there is still hope that the brothers can once again rebuild their relationship and be a team again. Watching Sam he kind of reminded me of a child, needing to be re-taught the difference between right and wrong. Needing to be told when his actions or decision are wrong or unacceptable.
As for the talk about Dean might having to kill Sam and possibly it being the only way to reunite Sam with his soul, just makes me sick to think about it. I’m with Julie on this, I don’t want to even go there. (btw Julie loved your comment and agree totally).
At the beginning of the season when they started hinting around that the brother’s relationship could once again be in jeopardy I was disappointed that they were going down that same road.
During season 4 and 5 I found the deterioration of the brothers relationship devastating but I never gave up that things would get better. I fully had faith in what Kripke and Co. were doing. And to me Swan Song was the reward for all that had gone down in those two seasons. The love and devotion between the two brothers had won out. It was heartbreaking and bittersweet. But I walked away feeling more love for those two brothers than I ever thought possible.
As for this year, I’m sorry to say I’m starting to lose faith and patience in Sera and Co.
When I look at all the storylines they have compiled for this year.
Castiel and The Civil War in Heaven.
The Campbell’s and Samuels real story.
Crowley becoming King of Hell and his pursuit of finding all the Alpha’s and Purgatory.
Balthazar and his pursuit for souls.
The Monster’s of the week building their own army’s and how they have been altered since the stop of the apocalypse.
Too me they had more than enough storylines to carry this season with. I just don’t understand why the destruction of the brother’s relationship and of Sam’s character had to be a part of it, Again! To me it’s made Swan Song pointless, that it was all for nothing.
At least with Kripke I was able to sympathise, understand and even agree with some of Sam’s actions. I never lost love for that character.
But this! Turning Sam into a what? A Sociopath?
Soulless or not, if they continue to make Sam so despicable, no one is ever going to be able to forgive him, whether it’s his fault or not. They need to restore his soul soon or at least tone it down.
I still love this show and being fiercely loyal I will continue to watch no matter what. But I want to watch it because of the love for it, not out of loyalty alone.
Sorry Jas, once again I’ve gone on a long winded rant.
Gosh, many of my feelings, well-stated, and with poetry! I remember saying that I could handle anything they chose to do with season 6 (Sam’s in hell, Sam’s a ghost, Sam’s split into Satan/Sam-Regular/Sam, time travel, parallel universes, whatever nonsense) as long as the central bond, the love between the brothers, family, stayed the core. It’s the one universal…(that, and the Impala)…..whatever one thinks about angels (love), super-special destinies (hate), vampires (sometimes yes/sometimes no), who’s in hell, who’s out and who’s on the way….the one thing that all fans unite about. I’m trying not to be gloomy,honestly. I try to keep reminding myself of how, halfway through season 4, when Sam’s actions seemed totally off-kilter and un-true, that the demon blood thing revelation came out and I was so blown away by how heart-breakingly, utterly and convincingly Ruby had snowed him, and most of the fans. After that it all made sense. But Soulless Robot Sam? Sam sitting there, honestly saying that he’s killed innocents and not cared. That he cares nothing at all about Dean. !!!!!!! This is way too hard to take and it’s gone on way too long. I want it explained/fixed/made to go away, and I want it done soon. And while they’re at it, they’d better at least mention poor Adam.
Jas, you have expressed my feelings exactly in ways I myself was unable to express. Reading this I could feel the tears building up in my eyes. Such sorrow for the demise of that uplifting endearing relationship that those boys once had! Telling myself these are fictional characters does not help at all. I’m so attached to these two I probably need help from a professional like yourself. 😕
I agree with Karen that the route taken this season so far regarding the relationship has negated the wonderful warm fuzzy sad but uplifting feelings I had about Kripke’s “Swan Song”. That episode celebrated the love between the brothers and that that love could conquer even Lucifer and the nasty angels. I feel a tremendous loss somehow. This season’s nasty icy cold caricature of the once loving and caring Sammy is almost too much to bear and watching poor Dean AGAIN lose everything he ever loved and cared for (including Lisa and Ben) is past depressing me to hell.
I hate to lose faith in Sera but I am heading fast in that direction. Surely she does know WHY we all love these boys so damn much! It’s NOT because they don’t care a pin for each other, and haven’t we had two years already of going in that direction?
I find the Sam of this season completely untrustworthy, despicable and mean-minded and get absolutely NO amusement from his snarks or comments. I want to see the love come back to my show! :cry::
Please END this awful version of our wonderful Sammy and give Dean a reason to smile again and tease his little brother again in the knowledge of the love and trust that was once between them. Their lives are miserable enough.
Can’t they have a little peace between them? 🙁
The thinkg I’m really curious about is what’s happening to Sam’s soul – the hostage – in the meantime. Is he conscious of his situation? Is he in pain? I hate the idea of sweet Sammy suffering somewhere while this Mr.Hyde version of himself walks around. :cry::
I second your opinion, Karen!
I want so badly to be able to love Sam again!
After having the guys at odds for so long, then finally getting them back to trusting each other & showing that brotherly love that we so adore in Swan Song, only to rip it all apart again this season…ugh!
Thanks for your wonderful thoughts as usual, Jas!
Lovely, lovely, lovely. You made me cry at work. YOu made me fear, too.
It will be really interesting how the writers will fix this particular problem. Somehow I don’t think they’ll go for the usual pat solutions that other popular shows go for. If the solution they’ll present will satisfy most of us w/o it being cheesily easy, bravo to them.
Dear Lord. This episode reminds me of my answer to a question another fan asked me about what I think of Sam and Dean. I said: “Dean–I would like to protect. Place a blanket around him and tuck him in my arms, my chin on his head. Despite his bravado and his irritating manners at times, he strikes me as the most vulnerable of the two. Because his focus is Family and his Heart…Sam, on the other hand, can withstand almost all things. There’s a steel core to Sam’s tenderness and compassionate heart. His focus is career, love, family–in that order. Yet, despite these observations, I don’t feel they’ll survive well the death of the other. Dean is Sam and Sam is Dean, and it’s not only because they were raised that way.
Leslie92708,Rose,MardemJr,Jeannine,Julie,Dany,Suze,Karen,biggsie,Bevie,AndreaW,
BagginsDVM,FMJEmena, dear readers, I am so far behind with responding to your kind comments, I have been outrageously busy at work, and well, so other things have to take second place. But I have been so touched by what you wrote, let me elaborate:
Californian Leslie, I am with you in hoping that Cas will work his mojo… yes, nervous handwringing might be the deal of the day…
Rose, Thank you so much. It is indeed strange how we react to an episode like this, even when there isn’t as much sadness in it, objectively. But emotions seldom follow a rational path. Well, what can I say? I miss Sammy, too.
MardemJr, thank you, I am happy that I managed to capture your feelings. As for being in Brazil – I’d like to be there right now instead of cold Europe! If Sam was there with me, well, not bad…
Jeannine, same to you – I am glad that what I wrote resonated with you. Let’s be united in hoping that Sam will be back, one way or another, even if changed, he is still somewhere…
Julie, dear, true, it’s hard to watch the show at present with the cruel developments it’s taking. But I am still living in hope. The kind of loneliness you address here with Dean in particular must have taken a lot of his courage, but he is gaining momentum again. Let’s keep on hoping.
Dany, I love those poems, too. I can perfectly relate to what you’re saying. I try to shy away from the speculations, too, but then I’m too curious to not read them,… ah, talking about digging your own grave!
Suze, what can I say, my favourite colour is black!
Karen, I can so very much relate to what you are saying. You add even more to my thoughts, and I have to agree. It’s difficult for me, too, to be patient with the creators of this show, and I have also wondered what of the effects of Swan Song would be taken into this season. I still love the show, but I feel that that is beginning to diminish a bit. Not much, really, but I’ve noticed it. I’m there with you – I want to watch it for the love of it, not because I am loyal.
Biggsie, I am trying not to be gloomy, either, I just can’t fight the feelings I spoke of here. The strangest thing to me is, even throughout the other seasons where fandom was divided because of the course the brothers’ path took, I never lost faith in Sam or Dean or the creative team in general. Right now I am just not that 100% sure anymore.
Bevie, yes, aren’t we missing the endearing quality of it all? Hell, yes, we are, and how much! This professsional here probably needs help in that department, too. I keep telling myself it’s only a tv show. But the emotions are there, nevertheless…
As for now, I can’t see a reason why the show should head in this direction. I still hope we will see that, soon.
AndreaW, you’re touching on a thought and fear I have various times before. Where is his soul? If still in hell, he must be suffering big time.
Dawn, I am on the same page with you. Oh, dear… where are my smelling salts?
FMJemena, So sorry, dear, perhaps I should attach Kleenex next time? I promise to write a lighter article next time!… We might just love them so much because of their vulnerability, don’t you think?
Thank you so much for your generous comments! Take good care everyone and protect your souls by having the occasional hot chocolate… it works miracles! Jas