Supernatural Knows It: Five Things That Aren’t in The Bible

This article is nothing more than some loose commentary from yours truly based on the very brilliant “5 Things You Won’t Believe Aren’t In The Bible” that was recently posted on Cracked.com.  I really love this article, for any of us that watch “Supernatural” already know these sort of lessons.  Anything can be made up to serve an agenda, even biblical concepts.

This article is nothing more than some loose commentary from yours truly based on the very brilliant “5 Things You Won’t Believe Aren’t In The Bible” that was recently posted on Cracked.com.  I really love this article, for any of us that watch “Supernatural” already know these sort of lessons.  Anything can be made up to serve an agenda, even biblical concepts.  
 
The authors so cleverly list a common Biblical myth, share what’s actually in the Bible, and then try to pinpoint source of the misconception.  Funny how all of those sources stemmed from some rather creative fiction.  Sound familiar?  It supports the theory that “Supernatural” is just carrying on what masters like Milton and Dante have been doing for years.  Who knows if in years to come “Supernatural” will be influencing doctrine in some way?   The Gospel of Winchester indeed.  
 
Before going through my thoughts below, I highly suggest reading the article first.  I don’t want to copy it word for word and so much of it applies it’s stunning.  Plus, it’s quite funny.  
 
 
5.  Angels

 
According to the article, “If you encountered some of the angels it describes, you’d probably need a shotgun under your bed to sleep soundly for the rest of your life.  (NOTE: that is a joke. If angels turn out to be real, and you encounter one, do not shoot it with a shotgun.)
 
…Lastly, the thing about the harps was actually invented by John Milton who wrote about angels “plucking harps” in Paradise Lost, basically just because it was the cutest thing he could pull out of his ass.
 
“Supernatural” so got that right!  Aside from a blubbering, pasty naked white man, angels are hardcore dicks, that’s for sure.  Dean and Bobby even greeted Castiel’s grand arrival with shotgun blasts!  Now I want Castiel to credit Milton if Dean mentions an angel playing a harp joke.

 
 
4.  The Devil is Red, and Has Horn, a Pitchfork, and Goat Legs.

 
Medieval artists who wanted to portray the devil visually had to take a bit of artistic license, generally drawing whatever seemed evil at the time. 
 
…Speaking of hipsters, what about that pitchfork? It’s really a trident, a popular accessory of the Greek and Roman gods. The horns? Possibly a hand-me-down from animal-worshipping religions that Christianity didn’t like. 
 
Again, score one for “Supernatural.”  Not only was Lucifer none of those things, but he has extraordinary tastes in meat suits.  Not a possessed goat boy in sight.  Now the scene of Lucifer drawing a pitchfork in the window in “Swan song” becomes bitingly funny.  He knew that the legends were full of crap.  It’s a shame that “Supernatural” didn’t take the opportunity to bring up Lucifer’s slander by the way of Faust, but hey, there was only so much time.  

  
3.  The Holy Grail

 
Okay, this has never been brought up in “Supernatural” but lucky for us, there’s more seasons to come.  Other than some great “Monty Python” references, it’s prime untapped territory.  How about Dean questioning Castiel if one of the missing treasures of Heaven is The Holy Grail.  I could only imagine the answer.  “Lame French Poets and the legend of a Monarchy started by a watery tart does not constitute a treasure in Heaven.”  Also, I really would love to see Sam and Dean for once storm a castle.  

 
2.  The Antichrist

 
I have NO idea why “Supernatural” went there.  However, they were right to backpedal given the argument presented here.  I’m assuming Eric Kripke read something like this after the script for “I Believe The Children Are Our Future” was committed and went “Oh shit, what have we done!”  
 
The Antichrist is mentioned only four times in the Bible, and each time he’s described the same way:

“Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the Antichrist.” (2 John 1:7)

Yep: The Antichrist is anyone who doesn’t believe in Christ. The “anti” is basically being used the same way it’s used when we say someone is “anti-war.” So anyone who wants to accuse Richard Dawkins of being the Antichrist is actually entirely correct, and what’s more, he’ll agree with you.

I’m assuming Kripke then relaxed, realizing there wasn’t any sort of solid doctrine and fondly thought of Australia.  That’s a great place for someone to disappear and never be heard from again.  

 
So, whenever you’re replaying season three of “Supernatural” and hear Gordon Walker declare “Sam Winchester is the Antichrist,” that’s just him really saying that Sam really represents anyone who doesn’t believe in Christ, is really a hairy beast (which there is some truth to that), and the most harm he’ll seem to cause is inspiring others in a political election to vote for the other guy.  Now that’s not so bad!  
  
 
1.  Hell:  Everything Other Than the Fire

 
Hell is a place of eternal torment, a realm of unrelenting suffering for all sinners, heretics and unbelievers. It is a land of fire and brimstone arranged into nine circles and filled with imps and demons who deal out cruelly ironic punishments for all of eternity. Ruling over all of it is Satan, who probably sits on a throne made of skulls or something.
 
Of all that, the only part you’ll find in the Bible is the fact that Hell sucks and that there is fire (from passages like Matthew 13:42: “And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.”)
And … that’s as specific as it gets.

Again I have to laugh really hard, for the real culprit named in this legend is none other that Dante.  You know, the guy who’s work has been credited as a big setup for season six thanks to the alpha vamp in “Family Matters.”  John Milton was also blamed as the person creating the notion that Satan ruled Hell and we’ve already identified in countless meta articles here how the first five seasons (especially four and five) were heavily influenced by Milton. 

This however, is my absolute favorite quote from the article:

That’s right, chains and prisons … for them. No iron fortresses, no fiery thrones, no mention of Satan ruling the cell block … all of that is from the Bible’s extended universe and fan fiction.

Fan Fiction?  I think he’s onto the real source of evil and chaos in this modern society (I’m joking people!)  No wonder Chuck, a shaky fiction writer, ended up being God.  Okay, supposedly, but think about it.  What if fiction ends up being the truth?  Who’s to say that Milton and Dante really weren’t God coming down for a little R & R.  

So what does all of this mean?  Whenever anyone accuses “Supernatural” of sacrilege in stretching imaginations for the sake of their religious agenda, it sounds like religious doctrine itself is quite suspect.  What “Supernatural” does is probably far more right than it is wrong.  Maybe.   
  
Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_18757_5-things-you-wont-believe-arent-in-bible.html#ixzz14weqYyC1

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