Fighting That Step into Chaos

No, I’m not going to be ok without Bobby. Yes, he has done enough but I don’t care, I need Bobby. This came as a rather surprising revelation. I hadn’t known how much he meant, how much he means. I have been away from fandom for a while. Life got in the way and so I’ve had to take a step back, but I need to grieve Bobby and that will be easier with others. I’m not writing with a plan, I’m just writing as a cathartic release, and I guess we’ll see where it goes. 

All through the break and all through the episode, the single refrain of  “You can’t kill Bobby” ran through my mind. Not in anger, not in warning, it wasn’t even directed at the show makers. It’s just that Bobby is always there. He has to be. That’s who he is, it’s what he does. Bobby is so dependable that I forget how dependable he is. He’s like oxygen, or gravity, or the ground that catches my every footfall. Bobby can’t die because Bobby has to be there. He has to. He just has to. 

A fictional character isn’t supposed to mean this much, but he does. 

This show means so much to me because of the characters. It does a fantastic job of drawing its characters and the relationships between them. That’s why his death hits me so hard. He was a real person, not a two dimensional sketch. And dammit, I already miss him.

I cried. Big heaving sobs. I never cry over TV! Even during Swan Song, which I loved, my eyes stayed dry (though my heart ached like crazy). The loss of Bobby is like losing someone for real. And while this hurts horribly, it’s also why I love the show. 

It’s a fantastical story. Impossible, even ridiculous if I think about it without emotion. What keeps it real, grounded, interesting and me rabid for more, is the people. And people aren’t people if they remain immortal. What I’ve liked about Season 7 from the big picture standpoint, is the return to mortality for the characters. Sam’s shattered psyche, Dean’s broken leg, the loss of Castiel…suddenly death is real on Supernatural again. And THAT is scary. It’s terrifying, because I love these characters, as my current broken heart can attest.  

There was a big part of me screaming at the boys to DO something! CALL someone, while Bobby lay in the hospital bed. I had to keep reminding myself that there wasn’t anyone they could call. They were helpless. They were as helpless as I would be. And when I saw them so vulnerable, so stripped, so human, it frightened me. 

The loss of Bobby…loss isn’t a big enough word. 

You can’t kill Bobby. You just can’t. I can’t be ok without Bobby there. He’s too big a piece to take away from me, from the boys. 

No, I’m not directing that ‘you’ at the creators and writers. I’m directing that ‘you’ at the universe. Because the death of Bobby is bigger than what the writers vomit out in a script, his death is real because the world of Supernatural just got real again. 

Bobby deserves his rest. He deserves his slice of heaven where his wife awaits him and his happiest hits loop for his pleasure. But I don’t want him to go and what makes it so much harder, impossible even, to graciously allow him to walk into eternity, is the knowledge that he would rather stay, fight and suffer for his boys, than accept that he’s done enough. He doesn’t want to stay to prove anything or to make a name for himself or even to save the day. He wants to stay for the exact reason that I want him to stay, so he can just BE THERE. 

You can’t kill Bobby. 

It feels like the ground isn’t catching my footfalls anymore. And it still surprises me. Every. Time.

I’ve heard grief described as stepping into chaos. I believe it, though I’m not there yet. I’ve still got my fingernails dug into Bobby being there. He will be there because he’s always been there. Right? 


Comments  

Angie
# Angie 2011-12-06 22:08
I couldn't put what I felt into words, but you have done it for me. Thank you. All I could say at the end of the episode was, "No - Bobby can't die." I said it again and again and again. My husband laughed at me. "It's just a TV show," he said. And he's right. But somehow, Bobby isn't just a character. I don't know why. Bobby can't die. He cannot.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:10
Glad to provide any outlet. The refrain is still sounding in my skull. And I get where your hubby is coming from. :-) I tell myself that Bobby's just a character, but then I cry anyway. Thanks for reading.
JayceeGirl
# JayceeGirl 2011-12-06 23:21
"It’s just that Bobby is always there. He has to be. That’s who he is, it’s what he does. Bobby is so dependable that I forget how dependable he is. He’s like oxygen, or gravity, or the ground that catches my every footfall. Bobby can’t die because Bobby has to be there. He has to. He just has to." That says it all. Its weird because I have only seen a few episodes of season one and a few of S6 and whats out of S7, which means I haven't seen THAT much of Bobby, and yet I sobbed and screamed silently for him and the boys... He CAN NOT die. Bobby is the Winchesters life...
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:15
When I think about it, Bobby hasn't been in that many episodes. It's a testament to Jim Beaver's portrayal that a man with so little screen time leaves such a lasting impact.
Happily, this is Supernatural where the dead can return for a visit. Thanks for commenting.
Jasminka
# Jasminka 2011-12-07 01:31
Jim Beaver sent a very cryptic tweet the other day which still left an option open - it might well be that Bobby is not dead: "Just because someone doesn't like the idea of someone dying doesn't mean someone DID. Settle down ;-)"

What do we know - he's grievously injured, he flatlined. But that's all. People have been brought back from being clinically dead. There is still hope!

This hiatus is going to last a while - plenty of time to bluster oneself into a state of grief that might not be necessary at all, don't do this to yourselves. Why mourn a character before we know that he actually is dead?

If Bobby were to die, I would be sad, of course. I'd miss him. He was important for me - but he is just a fictional character and this is, indeed, just a tv show.

I will be able to go on without him and I refuse to get into a state over this - for me that would feel like I'm belittling the real losses I've had in my life.

I buried too many people. I always thought - which is one facet of grief - that I wouldn't be able to go on without them. But I did, of course. I had to. It's always a feeling of "as if", but eventually we go on. That's life. It's often painful, but that's how it is.

Cheers, Jas
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:36
Oh, I haven't completely buried Bobby yet. How could I!? And yay on Jim for giving hope!

You're lovely for giving the voice of reason, but no worries. I'm not in such a state that I need more than a good cry and a pile of chocolate...and a couple dozen goofy SPN vids and...well, I'm coping. :-)

In no way did I mean to compare the death of a fictional character with the loss of real life people. I am grieving for Bobby, but in no way does that reflect the depth of my feelings when someone I've known passes. What I express is, of course, contained within my emotional attachment to the show, not to life.

Looking forward to the end of the break! (How far off is it?) Thanks for writing.
Jasminka
# Jasminka 2011-12-07 15:44
Glad to hear that chocolate works - hey, it's a natural healer, eh? :lol:

Don't worry, I didn't understand your post as a comparison to the real passing of real people. But if I did that, I'd feel like I was disrespectful to my dead. And I still miss them too much...

Let's be optimistic, dear. Bobby will be back, I've decided to read that into Jim's tweet. I might be wrong, but, well, right now I don't care. ;-)

Take care, Jas
FMJemena
# FMJemena 2011-12-08 07:20
To Naismith: BEAUTIFUL! Bobby isn't real, but his character made room for itself in my soul. He has 'energy' now w/c kinda makes his possible SPN death painful. (It's the best explanation I can give for our grieving.)

To Jasminka: *kisses your cheek* Don't worry, we got your point. Your post provided some measure of relief for the fans who like Bobby, but... ( :sad: :cry: BAWLS!!!)
FMJemena
# FMJemena 2011-12-08 07:25
Tweeted Mr. Jim Beaver a week ago to tell Ms. Sera Gamble that, if his character died, we Wincest fans will really publish all the slash fiction we can write. (of course, he didn't tweet back, after all he's got thousands following him, but I sure like to think that he passed on to Sera that info...)
Pragmatic Dreamer
# Pragmatic Dreamer 2011-12-07 09:57
Hi Naismith,

That was a lovely article. It's a strange thing how we grieve for fictional characters. They seem to touch some corner of our heart, and leave a mark when they go. I wonder if it's because they remind us of ourselves, or own loved ones or maybe just the people we'd like to be.

Just so you know though, in my world at least, Bobby's not dead yet. He hasn't been pronounced. No time of death has been called. And the defibrillation paddles are charging now. He will live to fight another day with his boys.

Pragmatic Dreamer
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:48
I like your world.

When I wrote this, I wasn't sure he was dead. I'm still not sure, but I'll happily jump on board the 'not dead yet' ship. Charge up those defib paddles! CLEAR!!!

Thanks for commenting.
Sylvie
# Sylvie 2011-12-07 10:14
That was beautiful. You put into words what alot of us are thinking. And, yes, since the show before, I was saying please not Bobby! And even though it's a beautiful send off for a beloved character, I would much prefer if he didn't die. Both Sam & Dean looked so vulnerable at the end.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:50
It would be a beautiful send off. What an amazing tribute. But I'm all for life and having him live on. And yes, the boys did look terribly vulnerable. :cry: Group hug?
Bevie
# Bevie 2011-12-07 15:16
Yes yes yes!!

BOBBY. CAN. NOT. DIE !!!!!
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-07 15:51
:-) AMEN!!
kazkriz
# kazkriz 2011-12-07 17:57
I couldn't have explain it better.... after the eppie I was crying so baddly my mom and sister came and try to ask me what was happening.. I couldn't even answer.
On saturday I was helpless... my head hurt and my eyes hurt as well... I couldn't believe it.... it was impossible... Bobby dead? I can't believe it...I still can't. He meant so much for me... bobby has been always there... he still is and this is the first time I may be saying this but if he's dead for real... I'm gonna be pissed at the show... I hasn't been hurt that much before... but now.. I can't get used to it.. the boys can't you can't the whole world can't because he's Bobby and he's always fine.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-08 16:44
Oh kazkriz, ((((())))). Sounds like you've had a rough time of it. Just lean into fandom, you've support here. Keep sending the Bobby love!
nancyL
# nancyL 2011-12-07 17:58
Bobby is alive until I hear otherwise, circa January 6, 2012.

Repeat after me:
Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead.
Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-08 16:45
Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not....
subwoofer
# subwoofer 2011-12-07 19:55
Well, I started knocking back gin- a little Bombay- to salute Bobby, but after about the 2nd or 3rd dozenth salute, things got outta hand. oi. :-x

As for Bobby not being in every episode, well, maybe so, but if we look and see how many times Bobby is mentioned in any given ep by Dean or Sam, it is a testament to how much influence he has on the boys. It sure beats Dean thumbing through his dad's diary for clues.

Bottom line- Bobby has to live, "Weekend at Bobby's" was one of my favorite episodes and all these tributes to the man reminds me why. I am still harping about gathering torches and pitchforks should the powers that be decide to gank Bobby story wise. Somebody needs to show them the error of their ways- or at least smack some sense into them. The house, the impala, the ode to the rock gods, now Bobby?! Is there no justice in the world?
FMJemena
# FMJemena 2011-12-08 07:38
AMEN! I have a suggestion in a post I made earlier...

Also, if Bobby were to die, can someone make a cartoon illustration like this one that a fan made during an SPN Hellatus?
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-08 16:54
Hmmm.....transl ation? I get the gist but still.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-08 16:53
You know a perfect hangover remedy? A greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ashtray. (Blame Dean, not me!)

Absolutely, Bobby's influence has been felt even when he isn't seen. The man is a marvel. As a John woman...well, I tend to often see his influence, but yes, more than the journal would be nice. (Come back to us JDM!)

Weekend at Bobby's was amazing! While I may not be in the pitchfork crowd (I guess I'm just not built to hate on the writers) it will certainly be devestating if Bobby is lost for good.
Justin
# Justin 2011-12-08 14:55
I think Bobby needs to go.

Now before any comes at me with pitchforks and lit torches, hear me out.

I don't see Bobby coming out of this as a very much alive hunter. They had the chance to do that when he woke up from his unconscious state. Whether he dies and never comes back or comes back as a ghost, the way things were for him, Sam, and Dean before Death's door will never happen again.

I rather Bobby stays dead because that way it would force Sam and Dean to rely on each other more emotionally. Bobby has been acting as a bit of a buffer between them and that needs to stop. I'm not saying it isn't going to be a rough road for the brothers after losing another father figure. But, in the end, I think, they are going to change for the better which is why I felt this whole season has been building up to.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-08 17:07
I hear this POV. I really do. In some ways I'm with you. Plus, unless they do it in a really classy, awesome Edlundian way (wait classy and Edlundian? Is it possible?) I'm not sure if his survival can be pulled off.

We'll have to simply disagree on not wanting Bobby around so the boys can be more emotionally dependant on eachother. Mostly because I would love to see them less dependant on eachother. It's a personal wish that they will form healthy and whole relationships so that they aren't so unhealthily co-dependant. Especially Dean. It's something I hope this season is doing, allowing Dean to love himself and to finally get out of that prison of needing his family to such a huge extent. ("They don't need you. Not like you need them") I love both men so much and I'd love to see them loving eachother in ways that they can be happier.

I'm running on longer than intended since this is one of my personal and favorite hopes for the Winchesters. There is strength in numbers and the loss of Bobby will be a loss of strength.

Anyway, I do hear and respect your viewpoint, and if the loss of Bobby means the boys become closer, well that's something that I certainly will support if it happens. Thanks for commenting.
nancyL
# nancyL 2011-12-08 18:40
Here's a question:

Could Sera and Co be so cruel as to actually let us all keep our hopes alive for over a month, and then come back in January only to have us at Bobby's gravesite/funer al pyre?

And for those keeping track:
Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead.
Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead.
Naismith
# Naismith 2011-12-19 15:32
That would be cruel! And entirely in the realm of possibility. *whimper*

Bobby is not dead. Bobby is not dead...
Tim the Enchanter
# Tim the Enchanter 2011-12-19 15:46
Maybe Bobby is just pining for the fjords??



Oh lads, I'm going to hell...
Freebird
# Freebird 2012-01-08 17:37
It's January 8th, I just watched ep 11, and Bobby IS dead.
I can't believe this. To me Bobby is an essential character in SPN. I know the show has no problems killing off its main characters, but this is too much. May it benefit the storyline or whatever reason, I don't care. This shouldn't have been done. Jim Beaver created such a wonderful character, Bobby was so real and lovable. And essential. Period.

Tim, I loved the video, thanks for sharing! See ya in hell...