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Authors note: This is a work of fiction – obviously – and is intend to be taken as such. It’s just my thoughts on what Dean’s thoughts in season 8 might’ve been, if I could get into his head…

Entry 1

So I’m back. Topside. Land of the living. Benny was right, that son of a bitch. I’ll miss the bastard. Gotta be like this though... Good to see Sam alive and kickin’. Thank God. Was freakin’ out when he wasn’t picking up. Sam. Yeah. I’m trying hard not to… but damn it, unwritten Winchester rule, never give up on each other. Never. Guess he went on without me. Met some girl. Guess I should be happy about that? I dunno what to think. The Kevin thing, not cool. How could he leave him out there like that? I don’t get it. I don’t get the whole damn thing. We’ll find the kid and make it right, if he ain’t dead already, but Sammy seems…he’s not here or somethin’. Just tryin’ real hard not to be as mad as hell right now. Better try and sleep, in an actual bed. Things might seem clearer in the morning. Yeah right.

Man, nightmare. Monsters. Fighting. Same old, same old. Woke up sweating like a pig, no clue where I was. Then I hear Sammy breathing. Kid always was a noisy sleeper. Just gotta calm down. I’m back. Gotta remember, I’m back. I’m okay. It’s gonna be okay.

Well, found Kevin. Kid’s improved some. Turned into a good little fighter. Crowley’s still an S.O.B. Time we ganked that bastard once and for all. Turns out there's an actual tablet for demons. Tell's ya how to close Hell's gates. Could we catch that kind of break? Lock up the pit forever? Finally get rid of those black eyed sons of bitches. Man, that’d be somethin'. Sammy will back that. Yeah, Sam will be onboard for that…


Entry 2

I dunno know I even belong in this world no more. When did we blink over killing a bastard like Crowley? I don’t care whose meat suit he’s wearing. Kevin’s in the wind. Tablet’s gone. Sam’s got some bug up his ass about everything. Keeps drifting off, his heart’s not in it. I feel like the only one with his eye on the ball. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one with the problem. Nearly killed that dude in the interrogation room. So close. Gotta bring it down a notch. I’m on edge all the time. Everything was so much easy in Purgatory. Kill or be killed. No hesitations. Maybe I fit better there…Maybe I shoulda stayed put.

Christ. Nightmare again. Cass…

Entry 3

Great. Sam wants to quit the life and go back to college. That kid is full of surprises. Thinks I’d be better off hunting alone. What? Since when has either of us been better off alone. He’ll come ‘round. Just has to get back in the saddle. He won’t walk away. God damn it, Sam.

Entry 4

Let the werewolf chick walk. Couldn’t very well gank her and leave Benny breathing. Sam don’t know that though. Gotta say he looked a bit confused. Hey, maybe she can make a go of it? Not her fault she got turned into a monster. Maybe she can go against type. Not follow those instincts. Not kill anyone. Wonder how Benny’s doin’. Hope the bastard's ok. And I do not say awesome too much.


Entry 5

Yeah that went about as well as could be expected. Sam meet Benny. Super. Now he’s even more pissed at me than before. Yeah, I shoulda told Sam about Benny, I know it, but it’s not like we’re caring and sharing nowadays. Half the time we're at each other throats. He walked away, he wants out, thinks I’d be better alone… Hey and Sam, just to add insult to injury, meet my buddy Benny, the vampire. Heh. Oh well, he knows now. Let the shit storm begin.

One night, just one night’s sleep please without tossing and turning worrying about Sam or Benny or Cass or all damn three of them. Jesus.

Entry 6

Just when you think shit can’t get worse you get possessed by an evil dick of a spectre. Awesome. Now I’m spewing crap even I didn’t know I was still pissed at. Except that not looking for me thing. That hurts like hell and I’m trying not to...but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s gnawin’ on my insides. I know what Sam said, I know he said he was honouring some half-baked promise we made, but we don’t walk away. End of story. I keep expecting to wake up and be a brother down. I don’t even know why he’s here half the time. He sure don’t seem to wanna be anywhere near me. If it wasn’t for the whole locking up the pit, I’m sure Sam would’ve ditched by now. Ah well, guess I couldn’t blame him after tonight. He’s gotta know that’s not how I really feel, right? No one’s more important to me than him. Freakin’ fought for my life to get back here to him. Make sure he was ok. Look how that turned out. Everything’s screwed to hell again. Didn’t appreciate him threatening Benny either. God damn it. Garth looked good though. Was kinda nice to see the guy. Hugs and all. And he’s right, Sam’s all I got. I gotta try to let all this crap go. Gotta move past it. Son of a bitch got wise.

Entry 7

Cass is back. Thought I was going crazy. Then ‘poof’ the nerd angel returneth. Turns out I didn’t leave him behind. He stayed. What the hell. Sure didn’t seem like that in the moment. I felt him slip away. I couldn’t hold on. Turns out he didn’t want me to hold on. Don’t know whether to be happy to see him or slug him. Dragged him all through freakin’ Purgatory and he bails on me last minute. At this point, why am I even surprised. How’d Cass get back here anyway? Something’s not right. He just shows up? And he don’t remember how? I mean, it's great to see the guy, but I’ve been doing this long enough to know when something stinks. And now we’ve only got half a tablet. What’s a bet we got stiffed with the dud half. On the flip side, Sam’s still here. No sign of him checking out college brochures. And we've still got Kevin, nearly all of him anyways. I gotta put all this shit outta my head. Man, I just want to hunt. Is that too much to ask?

Entry 8

Freakin’ cartoon anvils. You live long enough, you see everything.


Entry 9

You know… they’re both alive and that was the plan.

Can’t sleep. He ain’t picking up the phone. Gotta go talk to him. He’s not gonna want to, but I need him to listen. If he’s gonna go, he’s gonna go. But not like this. I’m not leaving it like this, not after everything. I’m sorry Martin died, I am, but he brought it on himself. The crazy bastard shoulda left well enough alone. I’m not sorry Sam and Benny are alive. One of them would be dead for sure had I not... I’m not gonna apologise for making sure my brother and my friend don’t kill each other.

Had to stop for some caffeine. Almost at Kermit. Feel like crap. I’m so freakin' tired. I know I'm losing Sam. He's been only half here for a while. Gotta try and sort this out.

Entry 10

Sam’s here. Benny’s gone. I had to walk away from him. I just gotta believe he'll be ok. But if it’s Sam or Benny? If it's come to that? No contest. Haven’t told Sam yet. Good on him for not pushing it anymore. I appreciate the hell out of that after everything. Didn’t think about how that text would affect him. Just wanted him out of danger. In hindsight, maybe not the smartest move I’ve made. Had to give Sammy a choice. I’ve been hanging on too tight and it ain’t working for either one of us. Had to let him go if that’s what he wanted. He needed to make that call himself. He couldn’t go on like that. We couldn’t go on like that. We haven’t gone through everything we’ve gone through to wind up hating each other. I don’t know what’ll happen next. But for now, my brother's here and we’re focusing on the job.

Can’t sleep. Cass is playing on my mind. Something’s up. That whole coming back and not know how thing, that whole thing with Alfie. Something’s not right. We can’t trust him right now, not until Sam and me figure out what the hell is going on.

Screw it. Who needs sleep anyway. Car could always do with a wash.


Entry 11

Things I thought I’d never see: Sam all painted up charging across a field with a sword above his head. That was fun. We had actual fun. I feel ok for the first time in I don’t know how long. When was the last time the two of us laughed so hard? Felt like little kids again. Felt good. Probably shoulda told him he still had some paint on that ugly mug of his before I sent him into the Gas ‘n Sip for coffee. Oh well, the bruise on my arm will be worth it just to see his face. Great to see Charlie again. She’s grown on me. Good to talk to. Bit hard to talk to Sam when it’s about Sam. Times like that I miss the hell outta Bobby. Gonna have to come clean with Sammy that I may have said we’ll be at the next big whatever it’s called. We got a kingdom to defend! Ha!

Entry 12

Men of Letters. A grandfather we never knew. My head hurts. Add another dead Winchester to the list. Dad always talked about his father like he was some deadbeat that walked out on him and his mom. Guess now we know the truth. He didn’t walk out. He died saving us. I wish dad knew that. Wish we'd known that. What would’ve happened if Henry hadn’t left that night? We’d not be raised hunters? Would we even be born? Time travel, man. Screws with your melon. Guess Henry turned out to be okay after everything. Would’ve been good to get to know him some, learn from him. He seemed to know a trick or two. Sorry he had to go out like that… Dunno what I think about this whole legacy thing. Who would’ve thought Mom’s family was the brawn and dad’s was the brains. Think I saw Sam’s eyes light up. He’s always been a little geek. A giant geek. Heh. Good to see the kid look half happy. Things are definitely on an upswing in that department. Wonder if that hideout is still standing? Now that'd be interesting.

-To be continued


RGNYC Rebecca
# RGNYC Rebecca 2013-06-18 18:20
Love it--awesome. Well done. My heart hurts. Sigh.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:12
Thank you! He does that to the heart, huh?
# LEAH 2013-06-18 20:22
I enjoyed this so much sweetondean! Thank you. I have always understood Dean and his motivations. Haven't always agreed with him but always loved him for the good man he is. For the brother that he is.

Looking forward to the next installment. :-)

Adding: Love the distressed looking photos.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:17
Thanks Leah! And yep, me too. Sometimes I want to shake him, but I always understand why and I love the man and the brother he is. He has a such a good heart.

Glad you liked the photos! The splops were supposed to look like coffee stains but they look more like tear drop marks! Which might be appropriate ;-)
A Wild Garden
# A Wild Garden 2013-06-18 20:40
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:16
Thank you!
# kristhel 2013-06-18 20:47
damn girl.. you're sooo good.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:18
Oh gosh, thanks!
# debbab 2013-06-18 20:55
This was fun to read. Cannot wait for part II. What did Dean think about the familial Portia? About Aaron trying to hit on him? About Cas being in the wind? About farty donkeys? and of course the serious stuff.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:19
There's some tricky stuff in the second half!
Thanks for reading, hopefully part 2 is not too far away. :-)
# winmomwannabe 2013-06-18 21:30
I could hear every word coming out of his mouth. Very nice work Amy!
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:20
Yay! Thanks!
# aelaine 2013-06-18 21:53
good job sweetondean!! sounds like Dean, Hope they get some of their season one fun back. can't wait for the next part!
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:20
They sure could do with more fun that's for sure!
Thanks for reading!
# elle 2013-06-18 21:58
Love! This was so, so Dean it's incredible. Admit it, you have him chained in the basement and made him write it, right? (Send pictures!)
# LEAH 2013-06-18 22:18
Jeez Elle don't give her ideas!!!! :lol:
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:21
Dang. How'd you know? ;-)
# eilf 2013-06-18 22:12
Congratulations Sweetondean, nice job! I think you have hit exactly on what Dean was thinking for those first few episodes. And you have his way of talking down pat too!

I love Entry 8 particularly.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:24
Thank you! Do you think it's a worry that I talk just like Dean? I do say son of a bitch quite a lot ;-)
# novi 2013-06-18 23:21
Marvellous, Sweetondean, you are more than ready for the novelization! Advance, A.F.! You actually can read your hero's mind, like you've overheard his thoughts. But there must be more, I want more. Please!
Nice to see that Dean is so good with his punctuation. Just when I thought I knew the guy...:-)
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:25
Well he did get his G.E.D. ;-)

Thanks so much! Gosh, imagine getting paid for writing Dean! Heaven.
# KG_SPN 2013-06-18 23:28
Probably shoulda told him he still had some paint on that ugly mug of his before I sent him into the Gas ‘n Sip for coffee. Oh well, the bruise on my arm will be worth it just to see his face... Gonna have to come clean with Sammy that I may have said we’ll be at the next big whatever it’s called. We got a kingdom to defend! Ha!
I laughed out loud when I read this... would love to have seen these extended scenes between Sam and Dean :lol:

Awesome job sweetondean! I totally believed that every thought you've expressed here would've been Dean's. You've captured him brilliantly. I love forward to the next installment. Cheers :D
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:26
Thank you!! I wrote a drabble after the LARPing ep...not sure if you read it? I'll flick it to you on twitter :-)
# Trucklady 2013-06-19 00:06
Just when I cannot imagine you being able to top your last article or review and dang if you don't go and do it. :lol: I just love this but then you know I am right there with you and how we feel about Dean. I cannot wait until the next part. Awesome analogy of what Dean's journal would be like if he actually wrote one.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:27
Oh wow. Thank you so much!
# Joyful 2013-06-19 03:38
Great work Amy, it's an awesome read! Funny as, and occasionally heartbreaking, and yes I can hear Dean's voice in my head as I read and see the expressions on his face as he writes.. :lol:
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:31
Thanks so much! :-)
# Prix68 2013-06-19 06:37
That was awesome. Can't wait for part II! You definitely channeled your inner Dean.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 06:50
My inner Dean huh? :lol:

Thank you for reading!
love2boys unlogged
# love2boys unlogged 2013-06-19 06:50
Sweet Merciful Awesome. And - Son. Of. A. Bitch. You nailed it, Sweetondean!

I loved it. That is EXACTLY what I thought he was thinking! (Especially about the phone call.)

I noticed more of us were channeling Dean than I had supposed... Mmmmmm....... What? There is drool in my keyboard. Thanks for the pictures.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 07:16
Thank you!
# KG_SPN 2013-06-19 07:01
Yes, please. I would love to read it :)
# KG_SPN 2013-06-19 07:05
Woops... :oops: that was meant to go after your reply. I would love to read what you wrote after the LARPing ep :D
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 07:15
I tweeted you :-)
# Super 2013-06-19 07:10
Hi sweetondean.

Wow. This? Is amazing.

You really have his voice down pat. I can see him say all of this. Very authentic.

Thanks for this!

Can't wait for part 2! Maybe do all the seasons...? *flaps eyelashes innocently*
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 07:17
Thanks very much!

You know, writing this I thought it could be interesting to go back and write a journal from the beginning. Once I finish this one, maybe I'll think about it!
love2boys unlogged
# love2boys unlogged 2013-06-19 08:19
You should totally do that! Write a journal from the beginning, I mean. And Super gave me a great idea! Forget about HER eyelashes flapping innocently. Let Dean blink in surprise, or blink to cover hurt, or close his eyes (with his eyelashes involved), or just flap his eyelashes around so that we can think about his eyelashes. Eyelashes...

Is that ok with you, Super?

PS: Let Dean look in the mirror just once and wonder about his freckles. I seem to be fantasizing again. Sorry. l2b out.
# Super 2013-06-19 09:24
Darn, love2boys.

You *completely* upstaged my flapping lashes by giving us an imagery of Deans gorgeous, curvy lashes!! Damn you for giving me that imagery, damn yo--

Wait. What am I saying?!

Mmmm.... Dean lashes...

Carry on. :D
# Bookdal-Linda 2013-06-19 08:17
Great piece, Amy. Love the voice. Very nicely done and an enjoyable read.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 16:38
Thank you, Linda :-)
# kaz1 2013-06-19 09:57
You know you might very well have that contagious thing going around called 'Deanspeech'. Apparently you hear voices in your head? only it's just Deans. Sweetondean you have it VERY bad. I have it myself, only it manifests as 'Deanisms', and I find they pop out my mouth unexpectedly whenever circumstances dictate (I managed to use "painted whore" the other day....just popped out I tell you). I think the only cure for you is to write, write and write some more.

You have his speech style down girl. Speech succinct and no beating about the bush!!

Loved it
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 16:39
Painted whore! Haha! I must admit, I get Deanism into my conversations whereever I can, and often without noticing until they've come out of my mouth!

Thanks so much! :-)
# Bevie 2013-06-19 11:48
Thanks Sweetondean. I loved that. Just like it plays in my head sometimes. More please!

Do you write fanfic? Where can I find it?
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 16:40
Thank you., Bevie!

Yep I write the occasional fic, you can find them here:
# NoLieFe 2013-06-19 14:16
You know what : At every line, I could hear Dean say what you wrote. It's so real. Thank you to bring us back a little supernatural living moment !
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 16:40
Awww, thanks so much!
# Sylvie 2013-06-19 14:33
Thanks Amy, that was a fun read, had me smiling with good memories for the past season the whole way through. Parts of it reminded me of a soliloquy in a noir film, very much like the writer in Sunset Boulevard. "I'm ready for my close-up Mr. Singer". :lol: Can't wait for the next part.
# sweetondean 2013-06-19 16:42
Thanks Sylvie! :-)
(p.s. Mr Singer should always give him his close-up, just sayin' ;-) )
# Sylvie 2013-06-20 08:08
Oh, yes please, full freckles all the time. :oops:
# eilf 2013-06-20 16:10
Closeups, lots of closeups, all the time, In fact we don't really need sets n' stuff, background, scenery.... ;-)

Actually, seriously, director people, you used be way better at closeups! What happened?
# BookLady 2013-06-19 18:41
Loved it, Sweetondean!

I'm a twin so I shared a bedroom with my sister until she went to college. ( I followed a year later.) It was quite an adjustment not hearing her in the next bed. Not just the breathing, but the movement we all make in our sleep - the sound of sheets rustling, bed creaking, sighs, etc. It's not about making a lot of noise, but those small sounds are familiar and they say home.

Kudos to you for mentioning it in the first entry. I'd love it if the writers displayed as much sensitivity to the fact that these guys have spent most of their lives sharing space - motel rooms, in the Impala,- and especially family memories. My sister is so woven into my childhood that I have very few memories that don't include her.

Thanks for reminding me of that bond.
# sweetondean 2013-06-20 02:26
I think they'd be so used to each other's noises that it'd probably be weird not to hear them. They've shared space for so long.

Thanks for reading it!
# Grace232 2013-06-19 18:45
Thanks so much! Love this!
# sweetondean 2013-06-20 06:33
Thanks, Grace!
# kaj 2013-06-20 04:14
Surprisingly or perhaps not surprisingly, this is exactly what Dean's voice would be if he did write a journal.

I'm thinking the same and that's exactly what's on my mind about Dean.

And the way Dean thought about choosing between Sam and Benny (or Cas for that matter) No contest. There has never been anyone before Sam. I believe there never will. It reflects Dean's last speech in "Sacrifice"

You get Dean
# sweetondean 2013-06-20 06:35
Yep, that's how I feel about how Dean feels too. Thank you, kaj. :-)
# lkeke35 2013-06-20 10:12
I know this is just a work of fiction but it's a wonderful way of reviewing the season from the character's point of view. I loved it. Can you do one for Sam,too?

Oh heck theoretically you can do one from the point of view of every important character in the season. Kevin, Crowley and Cas, too.

Someone's got to get right on those. Stat! :lol:
# sweetondean 2013-06-20 21:22
To be honest, I don't know if I could do Sam justice. I've got better at writing him and I think I've found his voice now, (in fanfics), but Dean I know. I am totally considering doing more journals though, once I've completed season 8's journal!
# Manstrad 2013-06-20 14:46
Awesome!! SweetonDean you rock, you really have a gift! I totally see Dean writing this down. Thanks
# sweetondean 2013-06-20 21:19
Thanks so much!
# laura 2013-06-21 12:07
really awesome the way you can expres dean´s thougts, this is totally him !!, can´t wait for part 2, you are really great, congratulations :lol:
# sweetondean 2013-06-21 17:08
Thank you, laura :-)
# PENNY JAIME 2013-06-21 19:15
Loved this. Can never get enough of Dean's mind! Great job Sweetie!
# Jessicarabbit 2013-06-23 07:16
Bellissimo!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
# nightsky 2013-06-25 09:43
Amy, this was absolutely brillant! You captured Dean's character perfectly. I really liked reading about what he was thinking. It helped me understand a lot of his actions in those episodes that had frustrated me. I agree with others that I would love to read a LOT more of this! Not just S8Part2 but maybe S9 too? Or pick your favorite past season and go back to do one? Your pictures were a masterful addition too. Added to the believability. Really, this was outstanding! It goes on my very favorite list!
# Bardicvoice 2013-07-02 15:25
Loved this! Great Dean voice ... :)