(photo courtesy of @postalpixxie)
Usually at these cons, my favorite panel ends up being the one from Misha. It’s his dry, berating wit, it’s my kind of humor. I’m usually in some sort of intense physical pain from laughter once he’s done. Did anything change at this year’s Vancon? Not at all.
Oh man though, I’ve got to warn you. This is not for the younger children. I’m throwing at least a PG-13 rating on this, but some may think an R or even an NC17 might be appropriate. No, Sebastian Roche’s panel was clearly an NC17, so I’ll go R with this one.
As we begin, the crowd was already going thanks to the very raunchy and X-rated panel from Sebastian Roche. As he was trying to continue the Q&A (he wasn’t exactly burning through the question line since each answer involved a rather long, hmm, we’ll say, innuendo), a crasher from backstage took over the mic. This person was using a slacker voice, but he sounded awfully familiar. He wanted to know what it was like working with Misha, who was just awesome. As expected, since Sebastian was already running long, Misha appeared in the question line. This becomes the perfect opportunity for a full on demonstration of man love. Misha comes up on stage and he and Sebastian share a rather long, mock passionate kiss. Okay, maybe I should be going for the NC17 rating.
(photo courtesy of @matchboximpala)
Misha and Sebastian then do some playful chasing around on the stage, one jumping off behind the curtain and then the other, and when Misha is the lone person standing there. He notices the duck, commenting on the big “blow job.” He isn’t quite settled yet, taking a few minutes to make sure Sebastian is gone. “I’m waiting for the door to close.”
LIke Sebastian, he can’t leave this duck alone. He spends the next few minutes playing with and sitting on the duck while starting the panel. While Misha is talking, a message pops up on the monitors on both sides of the stage. “Sebastian says, I’m a badder ass angel than you are.” Misha turns his attention to Adam Malik, the co-founder of Creation Entertainment, who was the instigator behind the message. “Thanks Adam. I know for a fact that Sebastian can’t type.”
Misha goes to the person asking the question for Sebastian who he crashed in on, acknowledging she was queued up for Sebastian and had the rug pulled out from under her. She said she did have a question for Misha though. “Fantastic. I don’t want to hear it though.” At this time though he’s also sitting on the duck, so he’s still distracted. What would Castiel do if God showed up and they would come face to face. Would they have a show down? He didn’t really answer the question, but more turned it into an innuendo about Cass making out with himself and becoming sexually attracted to himself. In other words, he’s carrying on for Sebastian quite nicely. She’s still waiting for an answer and doesn’t get one, so she lets him off the hook, telling him that was a good answer. “That’s a hard question. No more hard questions. Thanks for trying.”
Misha goes to left side of the room (his left, our right) and it turns out all of Sebastian’s depravity has migrated in that direction. The first person wanted to collect on her birthday spanking like Misha promised in an earlier tweet. “You’re asking me for a spanking. This could get ugly very quickly. Let me explain something to you, I am not Sebastian Roche.” He’s not going to do it. So then she offers him a birthday cake. It’s a baked treat she bought at the store and it’s under her seat. He takes the present, a bit reluctantly, and notices that this not a great looking bakery item. “Evidently there was no ‘this side is up’ arrow.” He tells her he’ll eat it later. He eventually offers it to someone else in the audience.
I’m not really if there was a question, but it all went back to the gal that blew up the duck for Misha. “Why did you spend four hours blowing up the duck? I just wanted to see you do it.” He asked if Clif was there. No. He wanted to give him this large duck so it would submerge and drown all the other ducks. Misha next gives Sebastian a run for his money. After retrieving a sharpie from a member of the audience he leaves a message for Clif. “Clif, I wanted to give you my big duck.” Except, the word isn’t exactly duck. It’s dick, with the “i” crossed out and a “u” written above it. “Please make sure he gets it, for the children.” He tries to tell the message to the audience, explaining there was a spelling error.
Finally, a real question. First, she wanted to acknowledge his work on Random Acts of Kindness. He’s decided at this point to get off the duck and has been having trouble. What is his favorite episode? “The French Mistake.” He loved all the inside jokes. “It was nice to be myself.” What was her favorite? “The Third Man.”
Misha gets another dirty question, from the left side of the room again. I’m not sure how something he said at Nashcon resulted in her requesting to rub his thighs, but it did. “I’m about to cut off the left side of the room. This is the spank me, rub my thigh, give me dirty cake side of the room. You’re all bad people over here.” He tells her dryly that’s a lovely offer and she can call him about it later. “Note to self, do not go on after Balthazar…Sebastian, whatever his name is.”
When asked what his three things that he cannot live without, he thought about it a little bit. Tea, running, pornography. “Thanks for asking.” Ah good, his mind in still firmly planted in the gutter.
Uh oh, left side of the room again. This gal wanted a demonstration of his move on Nip/Tuck. The one where his character used yoga to self-gratify himself (yes, picture the bending). “It’s this side of the room. To catch the rest of you up, she wants me to show you how to self felicitate. No. Sit down.”
This question was one of the ones that got me laughing hysterically. It was all in the dry delivery. Someone from Iceland wanted him to say something in Icelandic. She says it, he asks her to repeat it. She does. He follows with this choking/gagging sound. She didn’t think he quite got it. “In Iceland people will know what I’m saying.”
One of Misha’s gags from last year whenever he was asked if he was making anything (aka a movie or TV show) was that he was making a bowl. Someone wanted to know about the progress of his BC jade bowl that he mentioned at last year’s Vancon. The jade one broke so he used marble. “It was a gift for my brother, a wedding gift. I made a bowl. I know, it makes a great story.” She’s hoping for more, like what did the bowl look like. “I’m mining my brain for anything interesting to tell you about it. It was round.” That’s all he could come up with. “You have taken this side of the room to a very different place. I appreciate it that.”
Onto to the right side, where the naughtiness has migrated. In other words, it’s a room full of sickos now! The woman mentions the advice from the Friday night cruise. “The first thing you want to do when you get on a boat is spread your legs.” He repeats what she says continues to mess with her more. “I’m not the morality police here, you can do whatever makes you happy.”
Her question, why does he do these shows that involve blood and guts and gore? “Money.” Beside money? Misha confesses, “It is a little weird. I have a hard time watching “Supernatural” because it scares me. Even when I’m in it, even when I was there shooting it and know it’s all fake, I’ll have a nightmare after watching.” But they’re fun to shoot too. “We stopped using real bullets halfway through the fourth season on Supernatural. Liability issues.” She asks if he likes having Jared’s foot in his crotch. “Yes, you’re on the wrong side of the room. Yeah, it’s nice having Jared’s foot in your crotch. It makes coming to work just that much better.”
INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT WARNING! Why does God keep bringing Castiel back? Oh boy, she went there. Misha takes this opportunity to ramble on graphically. He claims she doesn’t know the whole backstory. He doesn’t want to spoil season seven but he can share this. “Castiel and God were for a long time were lovers. They had a very torrid, kind of pervy sexual relationship. A lot of the favoritism that you see Castiel receive from God is residuals from that, basically. He earned it. We shot a lot of that stuff and it didn’t end up making it on the air because the network said was too graphic. He earned it the hard way. (beat) God is a brutal lover.”
The questioner calls him out for harassing left side of the room after that. “I can do whatever I want. Ha, ha, ha suck it!”
TIME FOR THE TRADITIONAL MISHA COLLINS LONG, PROBABLY NOT ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL, COMPLETELY OUTRAGEOUS (and often hilarious) STORY THAT WAS PROMPTED BY NOTHING.
About six or seven years ago, he and his wife were flying to the East Coast from LA. Her mother lives by the airport and took them to PF Chang’s China Bistro. They gorged themselves. As it turns out they have jarred minced garlic in everything. “I have this weird reaction to that jarred minced garlic. Whenever have it I have horrible farts. Weirdly awful. I avoid it, but I didn’t know it was in there and I really ate a lot because she was paying for it.”
After that, they got on the plane. He had the window seat and didn’t want to get up and go to the bathroom. “I felt something building up, that’s what I’m trying to say.” He figures he’ll let a little bit out, it’ll be okay. “Long story short, I farted. The guy behind me immediately fainted.” He claims this is 100 percent true. They splashed water on his face and resuscitated him. His wife claimed it was gas leak. The airline said it was impossible, the fuel is stored in the wings and doesn’t get anywhere near the fuselage. They let it go.
“Another hour, hour and a half into the flight, I thought ‘I’ll be more careful this time.’” He let another rip, and the guy fainted again! Again the claim was gas, the airline denied. Another woman next to them goes, “Somebody has to go to the bathroom.” Misha was crushed with humiliation. They landed and everyone had to wait for paramedics to take the guy off the plane. “Just to sort of stick the knife in a little deeper. Anyway, I just thought of that for this side of the room.”
IMHO, FUNNIEST ANSWER OF THE PANEL!!! The next person has a mechanism that will inflate the duck without blowing hard. “I do love attachments as well.” He apologies to the girl who blew up the duck. Then she asks, if he could be a magical creature and could have sex with another magical creature, what would it be? “I would want to be a Moosekateer having sex with a Minion.”
He goes on trying to expand on that further, thinking it through, but then catches himself. “How fun because first of all Minions are so tiny, so that’s exciting, so grab the moose by the horns…What has happened here? We have reached new lows as a group. Sebastian is a bad influence but we’re adults and we don’t have to go down that road with him. I didn’t have to tell you a story about farting of all the stories I have. You didn’t have to ask that question and none of you would had to ask those questions…But it would be fun. Just get up on top…”
(It should be noted that at this point, I’m a little blue on the floor struggling for breath. I’m howling! So, a few details got a bit fuzzy for a minute or so).
They go on further to discuss her magical fantasy involving the Loch Ness Monster possibilities. She apologies for ruining the academic potential of the convention. “There was no academic potential.” It’s ONLY NOW that Misha asks if there are children in the room. A group of women point out a young boy with them in the back. “Hey man, I’m sorry. Be strong, you will recover eventually from this experience. You guys have a good family therapist sort of thing? I would like to make a contribution.”
Since Castiel is gone and now he’s God, can he choose what outfit he wants? “I have stopped fantasizing about this. Having hope causes pain.” He did make an observation that I’ve always wondered about. Castiel heals quickly, but the clothes remain tattered and bloody until the next episode. You would think Castiel would just take care of that right away, especially now that he’s God. “You would think Cass would say, Change, go to the store, buy something nice for yourself.”
It’s time for someone to ask the popular “what about Jimmy?” question. He thinks he’s still there, and it’s pretty crappy that Castiel left the family high and dry without a dad. He thinks Cass should pay him alimony or something. Maybe go visit Amelia and pretend to be Jimmy for fun.
What does Misha not like about Castiel and what does he like? What does he like? Cass can time travel. “Do you have friends that time travel?” What he doesn’t like, “I don’t think he’s great with women.” “What about men?” someone in the back shouts. Misha pretends not to hear at first. “I would like to see that too. That should be produced too. ‘Supernatural – The Adult Version.’” Me thinks that’s happening right here today.
Someone came up to state the obvious, a lot fans are upset over Cass at the end of season six. “They were?” She said that the finale made her cry. Misha felt terrible to hear this (mockingly). She asked if he was aware of the save Castiel campaign. He is aware, since someone gave him a book of stuff about it. “I don’t think that makes any difference. I might be wrong, but I’m not.” He thinks that getting that stuff makes them laugh with glee. He doesn’t think they care. He tells her to send it all to Jim (Michaels, who’s in the audience).
Whose Heaven does Castiel reside in now? “We actually see Castiel’s Heaven in the first episode. It’s pretty boring.”
Someone asked this super long question about “Caged Heat.” Misha holds his head in agony while the question was being asked. “Wow, that question really hurt going in. Did it hurt coming out?” He then had the person break it down into smaller parts, giving her a hard time with each bit. He notices defeat in her posture with each question. “You’re going to tire out before I do.” Then he just gives a catch all answer for it all, “He really wanted to get it on with Meg.” He then boasted how he tricked her into thinking he was going to answer the question.
While the next person was trying to get their question out, Misha started getting texts on stage. From Sebastian, he claims. His favorite book, Dr. Seuss. Then he got another message. Apparently it’s the “game” he plays on set (Words and Friends perhaps?) He tells the story about Brad, the camera operator for the show, who was in the audience, how they all send text messages like mad to Brad while he was filming. He’ll be sitting there filming and the phone in his pocket goes off, getting him irritated. He also told the story of how Jared would sneak up on Brad with tweezers while he was filming and pick the hairs out of his ear. Brad would keep filming, but he would get so red in the face. He would keep going though.
The next question brought up the subject of Misha’s controversial tweets. She, after trying to explain what tumblr is, asks if he’ll do any self censorship. “Self censorship? Not my strong suit.” “I don’t want to be a total douchebag, but a little bit of one.” His mom follows him on twitter, so that causes him to filter things a little bit. He wonders what she thought and ends up paraphrasing her answer. “Like, am I trying to be a dick, or does it come natural? No, that just comes natural.”
With that another outrageous Misha Collins panel is in the books. Couple this panel with Sebastian Roche’s and…I think Creation might want to think about this being a “family” con. Few left unscathed, especially one emotionally scarred and molested duck that was left behind on stage. As we learn the next day, things were about to get exponentially worse for ducky.