Retro Open Supernatural Couch – “In My Time of Dying”
Meanwhile, John succeeded in summoning Yellow-Eyes. The introduction of Fred Lehne and his charismatic portrayal of that demon was a fabulous addition to the show. And to think that the actors wearing the yellow contacts weren’t able to see anything makes it even more impressive how to the point the acting is”¦
John has done some stupid things in his life, of course, but this one must be counted among the truly lunatic ones. It will bring about a cataclysmic chain reaction in regard to the fates of his sons. No way he could have known that, but a man dealing in paranormal riff raff was at least supposed to think about the long run”¦
He is offering Yellow-Eyes the colt and the remaining bullet – in exchange for Dean’s life. “Why, John, you’re a sentimentalist. If only your boys knew how much their daddy loves them.” He’s a master at twisting the knife in one’s flesh, isn’t he? I believe that these words will make John tell Dean later how proud he was of him. John’s not showing it, but I’m sure, the demon’s words strike hard. Even more as he confronts John with his playing dumb about his knowledge about the special children and keeping such vital information to himself. Damn it, John! How could you do that?! Why leave it up to your sons to find the truth, and be in horrific pain while doing so?!
But, as we know, the demons have special plans for a decent man in hell, and Yellow-Eyes needs John’s soul to break the first seal. Eventually, John will sweeten the deal’s pot. And bringing the Winchester tradition of selling your soul on a new track.
“Dean, I don’t know how to help you. But I’ll keep trying. As long as you keep fightin’.” Sam appears to be losing hope. He holds on to sheer wilfulness, but since he didn’t find anything in John’s journal to actually help his dying brother, he hasn’t much to work on. “You can’t leave me here alone with dad, we’ll kill each other, you know that”¦ Dean you gotta hold on. You can’t go man, not now. We were just startin’ to be brothers again.” Isn’t it amazing that we say very much the same things to people we love when they fall ill and/or are at the brink of death? I remember myself saying words like that to those I loved and lost. Watching a scene like that tends to bring back memories, every time. I don’t think there’s any way that could make us forget moments like that. They are lodged like bullets in our souls. They’re not coming out.
It will be the same for Sam. He won’t ever forget the moment his brother came close to death in that hospital. There will be many more days like that to follow. Both Winchesters will look, repeatedly and in agony, at the injured other in the future. I don’t know how often a soul can actually bear to go through such days. Personally, I think losing another one might kill me. But then again, maybe not. It’s a series of trials in our lives, I suppose. And I can only hope that it has a purpose that will finally lead us to a good end.
“Can you hear me?” No, Sam, he can’t. Dean is still discussing matters with Tessa, or rather: pleading with her. “You gotta make an exception, you gotta cut me a break. I’m serious. My family is in danger. You see, we’re kind of in the middle of this, war. And they need me.”
He can’t accept, yet, that the fight would go on without him. Tessa reminds him of how much he resembles soldiers in a battlefield. Soldiers, devoted to their cause, can’t imagine not going on in the combat. And that’s very much what Dean has been his whole life – a soldier, a warrior. A man trained to fight when others would shy away. His exceptional courage wants to keep him where he can do what he does best. And so does his extraordinary devotion to his brother. Just to think that Sam could die without him must drive him insane.
“There’s no such thing as an honourable death. My corpse is gonna rot in the ground, my family is gonna die!” Oh, Dean, sweetie”¦ his desolation shakes me up. He’s right. Nothing about death is honourable. There’s no glory in death. None in war. Only those who don’t die might look at it with a proud eye, from the safe distance of their headquarters, knowing that all they will lose will be the flag they put on the coffin of the fallen soldier. In war, old men talk and young men die.
“You can stay here for years, disembodied, scared, over the decades it will probably drive you mad. Maybe you’ll even get violent.”
“What are you saying?!”
“Dean, how do you think angry spirits are born? They can’t let go and they can’t move on. And you’re about to become one. The same thing you hunt.”
That does the trick. Each of her words is like a dagger to Dean’s resolve. The prospect of becoming the very creature he would hunt down is enough to reach into Dean’s courage and slowly push him to the point of letting go. But the moment Dean is almost ready to find out about the big punchline, John’s and Yellow-Eyes’ deal is sealed and all of a sudden it’s Dean’s lucky day.
Dean is back. Healed. The doctor marvels at the medical miracles he just witnessed. “You have some kind of angel watching over you.” And that said to a young man whose mother used to put him to sleep with words very alike to those. But this young man learned, painfully, not to believe in angels. He’s confused now. His belief tells him there isn’t such a thing as a miracle. He feels that this is wrong, though he doesn’t remember anything from his out-of-body experience. Not much time to dwell on it, though, since John shows up, to make sure the demon held to his part of the bargain.
Sam, though, is still angry. He defies his father with a question about John’s whereabouts, but for once John doesn’t meet the challenge. He’s sad. He knows that he’s seeing his boys for the last time, and he doesn’t want their last moments to be filled with anger. In the coda of his life, John tries to change something, it seems. This might well be John’s way of apologizing for the many mistakes he’s made as their father. But it’s not possible to find redemption now. Not in a few minutes, not in this manner. There won’t be another chance, alas. He doesn’t have long. He needs to tell Dean to watch Sam. That’s his prime intention here.
To have room for that, he sends Sam to get him coffee. Oh, Sammy. This is the last time he will see his father alive, and he doesn’t even know. He doesn’t get the chance to say good-bye or to reconcile himself with him. It’s such an agonizing moment.
Dean, on the other hand, smells that something is wrong, but, of course, can’t have an inkling about the background. He has the advantage of being able to read his father very well. Unfortunately, not well enough.
“You know, when you were a kid, I’d come home from a hunt, and after what I’d seen I’d be”¦ I’d be wrecked, and you”¦ you came up to me and you put your hand on my shoulder and you’d look me in the eye and you’d say “˜it’s okay, dad’.” This is breaking my heart. “Dean. I’m sorry. “¦ You shouldn’t have had to say that to me, I should have been saying that to you. You know, I put too much on your shoulders, I made you grow up to fast, you took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn’t complain, not once. I just want you to know that I’m so proud of you.”
“Is this really you talkin’?”
“Yeah. Yeah it’s really me.”
The fear that is slowly creeping into Dean’s beautiful face is making my blood chill. He begins to know that something terrible is hidden in all this”¦“Why are you saying this stuff?”
“I want you to watch out for Sammy, okay?”
“Yeah, dad, you know I will. You’re scaring me.”
“Don’t be scared, Dean.”
And then he tells Dean the truth about Sam which freaks him out more than anything ever did before, I guess. Don’t be scared? How? I understand that John wanted to give something to Dean here. To make up in some way for over twenty years of fighting, loneliness, neglect, anger, too much responsibility and pain – but he only achieves to install more fear in Dean than the lad probably ever felt. No matter how often I watch this scene, it tears a piece from my soul.
This is like one of those songs every one of us knows, the kind of song that touches your heart, regardless of how often you listen to it, and reveals with every chord those tears of our lives that haven’t fallen yet.
Some of mine are falling right now, in pain over the ghastly torment Dean undergoes and in anticipation of the instant Sam finds his dead father on the hospital floor. I can’t revel in the brilliance of this scene at this very minute, like I often have when watching this episode. Since I haven’t watched this episode for a while, it hits me with a similar kind of force as it did when I watched it for the first time. Sam’s silent screams for help, drowned in the moving music, the brothers watching the hospital team performing CPR, until the doctor calls it. And thus, unexpectedly for them, their father dies. And “the rest is silence…”
For me, I reckon, Supernatural will always be a show capable of peeling layers of skin from my soul. This episode is such a central one. It causes one of the first disturbances of natural balance we witness in the course of the show. It was Dean’s time to die. He was even ready to go with Tessa (I believe, he admits it to her in a later episode, Death Takes a Holiday, if memory serves), but he is brought back at a terrible price. Even before, in Faith, Sam had taken all possible measures to save his brother’s life, not accepting the fact that sometimes people we love die.
The idea of bringing someone back from the dead hasn’t really occurred to the brothers before John made this deal. Dean was pretty much on the other side already. With the injuries his body sustained it probably was just a matter of time. But the fact that John made a deal for Dean’s life allowed this possibility to creep into the brothers’ minds, to re-surface in later episodes when each of them made or tried to make deals to save the other. That they had means on their hands to actually make it happen, changed their outlook on the world and its natural order significantly, causing disruption on a global scale, as we’ve heard Death say in Appointment in Samarra.
Neither emerges from this episode unscathed. Very much on the contrary. Both brothers come out, eventually, shaken to their core and burdened with a heavier load than ever.
Dean will carry the memory of John with him, as he tried to apologize and reassure his son how much he loved him, but also those moments when Yellow-Eyes tortured him wearing his father’s face. I don’t dare to imagine how it must feel like to be tormented by someone looking like your own father. And he will very soon discover why he healed miraculously, and the price tag that came with. And, as if all that wasn’t enough, Dean will feel compelled to keep the secret John entrusted him with.
Sam, though, will be hunted by guilt, since the last moments he had with his dad were spent in anger, and by worry about what the demon meant concerning the plans he had for him and children like him, in agonizing fear that he might become something terrible, something he would hunt”¦
For me, watching this for the first time, it was clear that the creators behind the scenes were not going to make the Winchesters life any easier. At the time I didn’t expect anything like what we’ve seen so far. But I knew, simply knew, that I will keep loving this show. That hasn’t changed. It can’t. It’s characters get under my skin in ways I have never believed possible. And, I trust, this will happen for as long as Supernatural will be on air.
Bravo. I think great minds think alike. I just rewatched this one myself this afternoon.
This episode is so well done and always breaks my heart.
Some of my favorite moments are in this very episode. The Ouija board scene is one of my all time favorites. It’s amazing how well acted it really is when you watch the behind the scenes footage and see how they put some of it together.
If there was ever a question that Sam didn’t care for Dean as much as Dean cares for Sam, this episode proves that it is a mutual thing. Sam is trying everything he can think of or is aware of at this time to save Dean. He can’t and won’t let him go. And if it hadn’t been for John’s deal, he would have failed. We can only imagine what would have happened to Sam and John had Dean died and no deal made. Either way, we KNOW that Sam cares very much for Dean, and it is reflected again in “The Man Who Knew Too Much” when he decides to shoulder the memories in the Cage to return to Dean.
This is also the episode that sets off the ultimate chain reaction—as far as we knew up to this point before “In the Beginning” reveals the first deal maker. Without John’s deal, Dean dies, but no seal is broken, either. We wouldn’t have had Dean’s deal as he would be dead. Sam could have given into the YED sooner. We just don’t know.
Thank you so much for recapping this wonderful episode. I’m totally with you on the boys. They worm their way into your heart, and once they do that, they’re there for life.
I’m glad to have provided you with some fitting read then, Far Away Eyes. Thank you. I couldn’t resist sinking my teeth deeper in this one…
Take care,Jas
Ahhh Jas
It will come as no surprise to you that I just loved this. As you know this has, and will always have, a very special place in my heart as it was `my first one`.
It is interesting to remember how I felt on that first viewing and compare that to the effect it has on me now when I have a [b]slightly[/b] more informed knowledge of these boys. Of course when I watched for that first time I had no idea about Sam and Dean Winchester or their back story. All I knew is that I was instantly drawn into this world.
By the end of the episode I wanted to know more about them and where they went after this. I did not care, or even realise that I should care, about their mangled wreck of a car, it`s just a car right? Now I think back, with shame I must admit, to my reaction when I saw the spoiler pic from `The man who knew too much` of the Impala overturned, I ranted about `Baby` being broken for a good 10 minutes to a friend before I suddenly thought, `Crap! Who was driving`? I had no idea who or what the YED was, or even what was happening when all the black smoke spewed forth from the truck driver`s mouth. But I wanted to know more, I was moved by this boy and his reaction to his father`s whispered message and I wanted to know [b]more[/b]!
Now of course I have lost count of the number of times I have seen this, unsurprisingly it is one I return to regularly. It is, as you say, incredibly moving, John`s speech to Dean when he tells him he is proud of him and apologises for making him grow up too fast tears me apart every time, if only he had said this a few years before and with more regularity, of course now I want to slap him for piling yet more responsibility onto his son, I know why he had to do it, but there was more than enough weight laying there already. I would have loved him to be able to acknowledge that this is his goodbye to his youngest son, I know that he can`t but I want Sam to have his `goodbye` moment.
One thing that I do find interesting is that I remember thinking then when I watched, `these boys are cute `, now when I watch I think, `they are so beautiful`. Sometimes our reactions to them may be `shallow`, but I think that these reactions are not based purely on the physical, now I `know` them, and now I see this beauty. Despite what some might think, this show is so much more than pretty faces.
I must now stop as this is an episode I could wax lyrical (or ramble on) about for ages, and this is a comment not another article. Thank you so much for the invitation to spend time on the couch contemplating what will always be one of my top episodes
Love Ju
You are always welcome to my couch, Julie, you know that 😉 .
It’s so true – it’s way more than just a few happy faces that made ‘scary sexy’. That would not have glued us to this show in the way we are… The fascination of a pretty face lasts only so long.
There is so much more that touches our hearts. And I am very sure that this show will continue to do so as long as it will be on air!
Thank you! Love, Jas
Hi Julie & Jas,
I love the transition from “cute” to “beautiful”. So true.
Oh, Jas, how I love being invited to the couch for such a beautiful essay. I think we are many in the SPN fandom who love this episode most of all. It’s where it all begins isn’t it? The whole disrupting of the natural order as these poor boys knew it. The love they have for each other is just beyond anything else. I too must be a major masochist, when I feel in need of some pathos, I will watch the last episode of every season, and the beginning of the next, it brings everything into perspective doesn’t it?
We knew Sam cared very deeply about his brother from “Faith”, he would not let Dean die in that episode either. And when you think about, he would have, because as you said that’s what life is, you live and then you just don’t know when your time is up, could be today, tomorrow or years from now. But we don’t have the luxury to choose. These boys have always made that choice and paid for it time and again. I’m sure season 7 will be no exception.
These wonderful actors bring Sam & Dean to life so brilliantly that we feel compelled to follow them wherever they go, Heaven or Hell for as long as this beautiful show will be on.
Hi Sylvie, I’m glad that you enjoyed your stay on my comfy couch… 🙂
I reckon masochism of a special kind runs in the supernatural-fan-family, don’t you think? We love to be tortured by what the writers come up with for the guys…
They make the Winchesters pay… for sins they committed and those they didn’t… I hope they will get the odd break in season seven…
Thank you! Jas
Hi Jas,
The couch is comfy like always, and the cookies are delicious.
Thanks for the lovely look back at a true classic. This is an episode I go back to again, and again, sometimes just in my mind. It really does sum up so much of what Supernatural is about — love, and how far you will go to save someone you love.
It’s fascinating to reflect on this episode as we await the start of Season 7, because it quietly and subtly introduces so many future plot points:
– A secret Dean must keep from Sam ( I just read a new, more detailed synopsis of Season 7 which suggests that idea.)
– The possibility of selling your soul to save someone you love. (I remember reading an interview with Eric Kripke where he said that the writers knew Season 2 would be bookended by Winchesters selling their souls. It’s so poetic in retrospect.)
– Dean receiving praise or a compliment is usually a harbinger of something bad.
– And it certainly illustrates the lengths each brother will go to save the other.
I’ve also always loved the character of Tessa. (I’d be thrilled to see her in Season 7.) She’s sweet at first, and then once revealed as a reaper, she’s still compassionate but so much more direct and matter-of-fact. I’ve always taken her comment “living on borrowed time” to mean Dean should have died after the electrocution in “Faith”, which suggests the boys have been playing with the natural order (and pissing off Death) for a very long time indeed.
Speaking of Tessa, I too believe Dean was going to go with her, which would have been very brave and courageous of him. Just the thought of leaving the family he had always fought for, and protected was excrutiating for him. The moment he would have said “yes” would have been soulsearing. But Dean must have felt it would be worse for John & Sam to have to destroy him later as a venegeful spirit than to just bury his body and move on with their lives (as if they could have done that!)
I do find John fascinating in this episode because you get a glimpse of how much he loved the boys, but then to twist a knife into Dean’s heart like that — “I’m proud of you son. Take care of your brother. And um, you may have to kill him in the future.” Ugh. Kills me everytime.
But from my perspective as a Mom, what I find really intriguing is that John never touches Dean, while Dean is in the coma. Nothing. Not a clasping of the fingers, not even a stroking of the hair. I think a physical sign of affection would have shown Spirit!Dean just how much John loved him. (Of course it might have ruined the dramatic tension of the scene too, but that’s beside the point!)
I know when my daughter was in hospital, hooked up to IV’s, and her condition uncertain, I wanted to be in constant contact. I couldn’t fight off whatever was making her so sick, but I could give her strength. I felt that by touching her I could somehow channel all my strength and love into her. Also, I superstitously believed that nothing bad could happen to her as long as I was holding her. Watching your child (of whatever age) suffer in hospital is truly one of the cruelest and most helpless experiences of parenting. And like I’ve said before, it does heighten your belief in the Supernatural – good Gods and evil Devils both.
There is so much to ponder, and adore in this episode, but I’ve been so very long-winded already (without saying much new I fear).
Thanks for this!
PDreamy
I know what you mean about him never getting physical with his dying son. I just rewatched “Home” & “Faith” yesterday, and John never even contacts either son even though they call to him for help when they most need it. He could have at least picked up the phone to give them some words of encouragement. And then to lay such a burden on Dean’s shoulders regarding Sam possibly turning darkside…the look on Dean’s face when he tells him is so heartbreaking.
I was at my mother’s bedside when she was dying, and I held her hand and talked to her until she passed. To think that a loved one would have to pass on without having reassurances from the ones they’ve loved the most is just so sad. I hope your daughter is alright, I can’t imagine going through something like that with a child, it’s bad enough with a parent.
This little show may be fiction, but it brings alot of emotions to the fore.
[quote]I know what you mean about him never getting physical with his dying son. I just rewatched “Home” & “Faith” yesterday, and John never even contacts either son even though they call to him for help when they most need it. He could have at least picked up the phone to give them some words of encouragement. And then to lay such a burden on Dean’s shoulders regarding Sam possibly turning darkside…the look on Dean’s face when he tells him is so heartbreaking.
I was at my mother’s bedside when she was dying, and I held her hand and talked to her until she passed. To think that a loved one would have to pass on without having reassurances from the ones they’ve loved the most is just so sad. I hope your daughter is alright, I can’t imagine going through something like that with a child, it’s bad enough with a parent.
This little show may be fiction, but it brings alot of emotions to the fore.[/quote]
I think it was due to John believing they wouldn’t die. He wouldn’t let it happen. The same way he sacrificed himself to save Dean. As someone said “Pulling his kids close to protect and yet pushing them away at the same time for safety anf too afraid of getting close just in case.”
I think it was a blessing, Sylvie, that you were able to be at your mom’s side in her last minutes.
I missed that when my parents died. When they passed, I was like out of the room for a wee short time. I used to be so very sad because of that and felt guilty, but then I imagined that they chose to go when I was not around. It would suit their character, perhaps trying to not bring too much pain on me or so…
But I spent days and nights on their bedside, holding their hands or hugging them… and I know it was soothing to them, as it was to me. I’m sure it was soothing for you, too. I hope it was.
It’s so amazing – this show is more authentic than most shows rooted in reality…
Take care, Jas
Hello PDreamy – I’m a bit late to responding to your elaborate comment, I’m sorry. I’m outrageously busy at work these days.
Thank you! I agree with your view of the lacking physical contact between John and Dean… I think it’s quite natural for a parent to touch their children when they’re sick – or even on the brink of death.
I can only assume that John (since we know that he loved Dean) perhaps held back because he was afraid that his emotions (fear, anger, perhaps dispair) would overrun his carefully kept resolve. In dubio pro reo, eh?
Thank you. And – feel free to help yourself to the cookies anytime. There are some ginger ones to your left 😉 …
Cheers, Jas
He did it to save both sons. He knew Sam wouldn’t survive without Dean. Go Supernatural terminator in Mystery Spot proving at last he was John’s son, darkside or die because his connection to Dean. He tried to die, Ruby had trouble pulling him back. Lilith was the only reason he continued to breath.
Thank you for your comment, dear. I have to confess I didn’t quite get your point, so I’ll simply assume that we are on the same page 😉
Cheers, Jas
Jasminka,
I really enjoy reading your “supernatural open couches”. You give me so much to think about. 😆 This is such a great episode; a real heart-breaker. Just as in “real-life” we see people missing moments to connect or misinterpreting others words or actions.
I think like everyone else, John’s speech to Dean in the end had been a long time coming and was deserved-but, when he added that little caveat about having to kill your brother. It just negated any good feelings Dean might have had.
As a teacher, I try to be especially careful with the “You did a great job with…but…”because we (or maybe just I) tend to focus on the negative part of the sentence.
One thing that has always puzzled me: In On the Head of A Pin, Alastair said that John was supposed to break the first seal. Yet, Castiel claimed that the only one who could stop it, was the one who broke the seal.Both Michael and Gabriel claimed that the two brothers were always the ones who had to fight the final battle (although in the end, they substituted a half-brother).
Also, if John was supposed to break the first seal, wouldn’t the angels have tried to pull him out before that happened. I have to conclude that Alastair was just using that to make Dean feel like “less a man” than his father. What do you think?
Thank you, Marilyn, and hello!
I’d say you’re doing it the right way as a teacher – being careful about the “…,but…” phrases. Mostly, people and in particular young people like teens tend to focus on the negative part of such a sentence, true. Kudos to you for trying to keep it positive for them!
That’s a good question, Marilyn. You have a point there – would the angels not have taken John our of hell before he could break the seal… Probably. I guess it was a slip in the writers’ minds.
On the other hand – it would be very Alistair to use that to hurt Dean. He succeeded. It did strike Dean like a whip.
Gosh, that would be such a great question for a convention…
Again, thank you! Jas
The most painful lie is the truth or at least a lie that has a basis in truth. Maybe John was supposed to break the seal but Alistair couldn’t break him. I noticed it took time for them to get Dean out. Four months to fight their way in and yank Junior out? Seems to me maybe someone took their time for whatever reason.
[quote]Jasminka,
Also, if John was supposed to break the first seal, wouldn’t the angels have tried to pull him out before that happened. I have to conclude that Alastair was just using that to make Dean feel like “less a man” than his father. What do you think?[/quote]
For those who say he wasn’t there when they needed them. He was, remember Home. If he told the boys good things they would or reacted as Dean did in Dying. Wondering if he was really John. As for the male of the species showing emotion HA! An even bigger one one for guys like John major macho not just pretending it. If they do it’s more likely anger then as Dean put it chick flick moments. They feel it but don’t necessarily show it.
There’s a running gag on our local radio, going something like:
“Men talk about their feelings.
‘Eh, Peter, I got a feeling it’s gonna rain soon.’
‘Yep, Paul, I got that feeling, too.’
😆 , Jas