(For Part One, the link is here).
16. Teddy bears
16. Teddy bears
Leave it to Ben Edlund to bring a warm, fuzzy childhood companion to life as a 7-foot bipolar nutjob. Heâ€™s scarier than a real bear. Tea parties are strongly discouraged.
Dean, are you ever going to hunt this little bitch down?
17. A nice, relaxing bath or shower
Anyone who knows anything about horror realizes this is a harbinger of bad things to come, like a bloody axe murderer. Vengeful spirits and swarms of flesh-eating arachnids are just variations on a theme. Still, even though you pay attention to horror movies, itâ€™s hard not to bathe, so itâ€™s nice to know itâ€™s occasionally possible to have an awesome shower! But beware--your chances for surviving an attempt at personal hygiene are vastly improved if youâ€™re, well, a dude. The axe murderers and other evils that plague bathtime just donâ€™t seem to be into dudes, even if theyâ€™re as gorgeous as the one pictured below--come on, now!
Dude . .
18. Small towns
Ah, life in a small town . . . slow pace, pastoral environment, friendly neighbors. If anyone offers you an apple pie, though, just get the hell out. Itâ€™s so not worth it. If itâ€™s really easy to isolate your town (say thereâ€™s only one road in or out, with a bridge to cross the river), it is again recommended that you get the hell out. Find out how deep the river is if necessary.
Small towns were being terrorized and even obliterated on Supernatural long before the rising of Lucifer, but itâ€™s been stepped up a notch for the Apocalypse. Luciferâ€™s plan seems to be to quietly cut off and destroy one backwoods American town after another, and though some practically fall off the map itâ€™s hardly noticed by the world at large.
Examples, just to name a few:
Burkittsville, IN River Grove, OR River Pass, CO Carthage, MO Blue Earth, MN Sioux Falls, SD
19. The Sisters of St. Maryâ€™s Convent, Ilchester, MD
Geez Louise, Krip!!!! Nuns slap your wrist a few times too many as a kid??? OK, so I have no idea whether Eric Kripke did time in Catholic school or not. More likely he was just running his finger down the Things to Ruin list and said, â€œAha. Time for nuns.â€ But watching him sic that yellow-eyed bastard Azazel on the helpless sisters makes you wonder if there werenâ€™t some issues being worked out . . .
Another horror staple. Between the monsters, demons, and other things that go bump in the nightâ€”which may or may not include zombie alligatorsâ€”I reckon Suze has the right attitude towards the great outdoors: theyâ€™re not all that great. Lock the doors, lay down some salt and just stay in your condos, folks.
Continuing the fine tradition established in Fatal Attraction, these critters always seem to get screwed in the deal.
22. Tomato soup
You managed to check out of the Hotel California, but youâ€™ll always carry the scars, including the ruin of this classic comfort food. Youâ€™ve had to cut grilled cheese out of your diet too, just by association.
23. French fries
23. French fries
While weâ€™re on ruined foods: In my opinion calling these artery-clogging treats â€œdeep fried crackâ€ only adds to their appeal. Even demons are willing to kill for them. No, itâ€™s when the poor Biggersonâ€™s fry cook starts snarfing them straight out of the fryer that theyâ€™re totally ruined for me.
24. Family reunions
Short-lived and usually end in disaster. Hmmm. Maybe the Winchesters arenâ€™t so different from us after all.
25. Interior decorating
Jerry Wanek, you can ruin my house anytime you want. The motel rooms on this show, which are ruined on a weekly basis, are genius!
The Gibbs brothers
Bobby thinks the birds are after him . . . Hey, if I got high in this room, Iâ€™d have nightmares too.
26. A classic beauty
The Impala has put up with so much abuse over the years, but you canâ€™t let a car like this one go. After the stunning ruin of this gorgeous girl in the S1 cliffhanger, fans welcomed her back in black in â€œBloodlustâ€. Our hearts broke all over again when we saw her ruin in â€œThe Endâ€â€”when Dean treats his baby like that, itâ€™s the end of the world for sure.
27. A beautiful head of hair
Ruined. Really, thereâ€™s nothing else you can say about going from this . . .
. . . to this. Seriously, WTF? What did he do to piss off the stylist?
Deanâ€™s hair can be styled once and itâ€™ll never move again (I hope whoever developed that industrial-grade gel patented the formula), but Samâ€™s needs constant care and attention. JP really needs to keep on the stylistâ€™s good side. Treat her like royalty, you hear?! It takes awhile, but they mustâ€™ve at least come to an uneasy truce, because there are thankfully better hair days ahead . .
28. My Productivity
28. My Productivity
I should be reading journal articles and studying for an exam. Instead Iâ€™m obsessively rewatching the last episode, sifting through screencaps and procrastinating by writing this article. I suppose I could take responsibility for this state of affairs, but itâ€™s just more fun to blame Kripke. ;D
29. Our emotional well-being
I didnâ€™t realize it was possible to inflict this much suffering on a seriesâ€™ characters and the fans who love them. Theyâ€™ve been ripping our hearts out and stomping all over them, week after week, for years. And we love it. Itâ€™s a relationship as dysfunctional as the brothers themselves!
Stocking up on Kleenex is pretty par for course before a new episode. Survival checklists have also included booze, whole chocolate cakes, and by way of precaution, putting 911 on speed dial! Fortunately, the resident therapist at TWFB has offered spots on the biggest virtual couch ever to help calm our frayed nerves . . . Thanks to Karen, Jas, and Nitewoman, whose comments I pilfered in writing this paragraph!
Wanna play a really cruel joke on a Supernatural fan? Set the alarm to wake them up to Asiaâ€™s â€œHeat of the Momentâ€. Put some pink flamingos on the walls for good measure and you are guaranteed to freak them right out. Weâ€™re talking panic and palpitations. Be warned, however, that as soon as they recover they will try to kill you. If they seem cool with it and laugh it off, start to worry. They are likely plotting something even more heinous to do to you.
1. "The Enigma of Sam Winchester's Hair" is way funnier than my attempt to address the matter in #23. Newcomers are directed to the archives, that article is a must-read! For the sake of completeness, however, it simply could not be left off the â€œThings to Ruinâ€ list. Btw, the pilot is so frigginâ€™ dark I near went nuts trying to find a decent picture of the never-to-be-seen-again Pilot Hair.
2. Anyone perplexed by Urielâ€™s inclusion under #18, heâ€™s there on purposeâ€”â€œWireâ€ fans, that oneâ€™s for you!
3. I had 25 items on the list, a reasonably nice round number. Then I saw â€œHammer of the Godsâ€ and absolutely had to throw in #22, for a new total of 26, which was so screwing with my OCD that I just kept adding stuff until I got to 30. Damn you, Kripke.
So what has Supernatural ruined for you? Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™s plenty Iâ€™ve missed! Summer hellatus is upon us, and with it a temporary respite from further ruination. Enjoy it while you can, folks-- Iâ€™m sure thereâ€™ll be plenty more gruesome fun come September!