The “Things to Ruin” List
 
Eric Kripke is on a mission! With cheerfully warped and macabre assistance from his writers, just how many ostensibly good things can be ruined by Supernatural? We’ve heard the Krip keeps a list of loose ends he wants to tie up on a whiteboard—that obsessive-compulsive streak is one of the many reasons I adore the man. It’s fun to imagine that he also keeps a “Things to Ruin” list on that board, cackling and rubbing his hands with glee every time he gets to cross something off. Mission accomplished!
 
The idea for this piece came from a comment from Alice along the lines of “Cross that off the Things to Ruin list.” I cracked up when I read it, as well as Bethany’s response to the “Home” recap. Credit for the first item on the list goes to her! I thought it might be fun to take the idea further and see how many things I could come up with. And it’s bound to get longer--with a sixth season in the works, they’re sure to make admirable progress on the list in the coming year. I can’t wait to see what twisted awesomeness they come up with next!
 
The list that follows is in no particular order. Some of these are more amusing than others. Some will no doubt make you groan, so keep those rotten tomatoes handy! Let’s start with:

1.      
 The entire kitchen
 
This one’s from Bethany, who wrote that Kripke seems determined to ensure that we can never go back into the kitchen or use any of its appliances ever again. Kitchen items ruined thus far include the:

 
 
Refrigerator
 

 
Microwave
 

 
Cuisinart
 

 
Garbage disposal

 
Melon baller

 
And, of course, the kitchen sink
 
2.       Holidays 

Christmas
 
 

 
This one’s a no-brainer. Evil Santa, drunk Santa, blinking sweaters, cross-eyed reindeer and one thoroughly butchered rendition of Silent Night: Carver & Co have ruined Christmas forever. 
 
 
I read a comment once from a mortified viewer who unsuspectingly stumbled across this “holiday special.” Poor guy—this episode really should come with a warning. 
 
Halloween 
 
 
 
The brothers’ lives are one long Halloween, and considering the day precedes the anniversary of Mary and Jessica’s deaths it’s got to be a crappy time of year for them. However, from razor blades and skeevy jailbait cheerleader witches to angels breathing down their necks, zombies rising en masse, and the Great Pumpkin himself, Halloween 2008 stands out as a particularly horrendous experience.

 

 
You can run, but you’d do better hiding. In this case, that means smearing your face with blood and playing dead.

 
Valentine’s Day
 
 
               
 
There are no words . . . this one was ruined by a master. IMHO the ruin of Valentine’s Day may top that of Christmas, and that’s no small feat.
 
Thanksgiving
 
OK, this one’s a stretch, since it was off camera, but it sounds like Thanksgiving was ruined for those poor boys year after year. Every time I sit down to turkey from here out, I’ll reflect sadly on little Sam and Dean sharing a bucket of extra-crispy with Dad passed out on the couch. Apparently those Millertime shifts were no joke, but cut Pa Winchester some slack—both his boys appear to have inherited his penchant for drowning their sorrows in hard liquor. The season 6 storyline will feature a quest to score Dean a new liver, but I digress.
 
 
Normal Thanksgiving


 
 
Winchester Thanksgiving

I wonder which holiday will be next? We know the boys had at least one fun Fourth of July, although it sounds like whenever John was around he was a massive buzzkill. Cinco de Mayo, perhaps? Dean’s been wanting to go down to Tijuana for ages, and the boys have a knack for finding trouble wherever they go. Or maybe St. Patrick’s Day. We know what Dean thinks of leprechauns, with their small hands . . . 

 
 
  


 
3.        Angels
 
I can’t believe what Supernatural gets away with on network television! Routinely calling angels “dicks with wings” for example (although I suppose that’s nothing compared to calling the Almighty an SOB; it’s completely in context, but I’m nervous I’ll get struck by lightning every time I watch that scene!). When you meet these angels, though, you get it—it’s a perfect description!
 

 
Good stuff. Good stuff? Good stuff! Zach, I miss you already!!!

 

So much for the Eastern seaboard.

We will, however, make an exception for the Angel of Thursday:
 
 
 
4.       Heaven

 
 
My 13 year old sister refuses to watch Supernatural. While perusing the CW site for episodes of “Life, Unexpected” she spotted the caption for DSotM and said, “Aww, look, Sam and Dean go to Heaven!” I explained that’s not a good thing. â€œIt’s not?” â€œNo, kiddo, that’s a very, very bad thing . . .”  
 
 
 
Who made Heaven a place in Cleveland? The Winchesters, apparently. Not to dis their botanical gardens, but when any part of Heaven looks like Cleveland, it’s gotta be a sign that something’s wrong. Not that it matters, since the guys already figured that out. Supernatural turns Heaven into a place of darkness and disillusionment. Even those who are happy there are basically living in the Matrix while the angels run the show. The brothers, on the other hand, spend most of their time subject to physical abuse and psychological torture, when they’re not running for their lives, that is. Did I say lives? They’re already dead . . .
 

5.      
 The preacher’s daughter

  
What should be said about Lori from Hookman? Probably as little as possible. I didn’t hate her . . . I just wasn’t remotely interested.
 
 
 
Leah, on the other hand, was very interesting. The actress captured perfectly her charismatic innocence and religious zeal masking a core of manipulative evil. This scene in the church especially gave me chills: â€œLet me go, or the next sinner I name will be you.” â€œFootloose” this is not-- more like Arthur Miller’s “The Crucible.”



6.       Fairy tales


 

Yep, these fractured bedtime stories are even Grimmer than the originals (*ducking tomatoes, again*). Then there are unicorns, which weren’t ruined per se, but I know I’ll never look at them the same way again!
 
 
 
 
7.       Colored contacts




 
 
I think colored contacts look a little spooky to begin with, but as a Supernatural fan, I now find them extra creepy: if demons can have black, red, yellow, or white eyes, why not blue or green? Being able to see the pupils doesn’t reassure me. You can see the red-eyed crossroad demon’s pupils too.
 
8.       The Tooth Fairy


 
Open wide and say “ahhhh” . . .
 
When I lost my teeth, I’d place them under the pillow hoping to find a quarter in the morning like all the other kids. Apparently I was ok with some freak coming into my room in the dead of night. But there was never anything there. See, my parents are first generation immigrants—they had no idea they were supposed to play tooth fairy! As it turns out, I should be grateful. Thirty-two quarters will not cover the lifetime of therapy bills that poor dad will need after his encounter with Jesse’s version of the Tooth Fairy.
 
 
It’s too bad we didn’t get to meet Jesse’s parents--sounds like his dad had a pretty perverse sense of humor! Or he just came up with a creative way to hang on to his pocket change.
 
9.       Clowns

 
 
“Clowns?? What the—” Oh, Ash, don’t act so surprised. Didn’t you ever see “It”?   Pennywise ensured the ruin of clowns for an entire generation; the folks at Supernatural are just doing their part to increase the prevalence of traumatic coulrophobia in the population. Bonus points to Jas for teaching us the word of the day!



10.    Little girls

 
        
 
       
 
Sugar and spice and everything nice? Um, not so much. In the world of Supernatural, these kids are definitely not alright, given Sera Gamble’s firm conviction that nothing is creepier than a little girl. If you see one, run for the hills, because as Sera says, they are never good news. This should be part of everyone’s Supernatural survival guide. Sam and Dean unfortunately have to stick around, in case it really is a girl who needs help. We know how that usually goes.
 
 
 
There are very rarely exceptions to this rule: Audrey Elmer, for example, and I loved this precocious kid from IBTCAOF too.
 

 
 
 
 
“The Real Ghostbusters” gave us some obnoxious and creepy little boys as well, but IMHO they’ve generally fared a little better on the series than the girls; we’ve had some pretty cool little dudes helping to keep their subspecies from total ruin:

 
 
 
11.    Not so little girls


 

 
 
More from the Supernatural Survival Guide: Remember, if you see a little girl, run. If you ARE a girl, RUN!!! Those boys may be pretty as all get out, but there is way too much collateral damage around them. â€™Nuff said.

12.   Dogs
 
      
 
Let’s say your significant other or kids are bugging you to get a dog. Say you’ve got allergies and aren’t really into scooping. Try making them watch “Crossroad Blues,” â€œNo Rest for the Wicked,” “Abandon All Hope” and “Devil You Know” in succession. If the hellhounds don’t do the trick, show ’em the Yorkie chasing Dean--insist that he really is vicious and dangerous. Add that he’ll pee when he’s nervous. Don’t forget the golden retriever in “Mystery Spot.” Do not be swayed by offers to name the dog Bones. Or Sam.
 
 



 
13.   Pediatricians

 
 
So you’re taking your kid to the doctor, someone you like and trust. It never hurts to keep some silver rounds on hand, though, as well as some salt and holy water. Should the nice doc starts smoking at the mouth or attempt to suck out your kid’s soul, you’ll be prepared to defend them like the lioness you are.

14.    Nurses 
 
       
 
Pestilence’s little assistant reminded me, and how could I forget Not-Cindy McKellan (Lilith’s personal chef), or Nurse Ratched and her colleagues?
 
 
The doctor will see you now.
 
Along those lines, between Pestilence AKA Dr. Green and Sam’s psychiatrist (the one who’s apparently never heard of Van Halen), I suppose a case could be made for generalizing #12 to just plain “doctors.” I didn’t really want to do that, though, since we’ve had a lot of docs on the show, and most of ’em have been decent folk. Although they were mostly coroners and medical examiners, so make of that what you will. But hey, there was Dr. Cara! That was a cool chick.
 
 
 
Then again, if you take all these healthcare professionals and lump hospitals, nursing homes, orderlies, psychiatric institutions, pharmaceutical companies and their associated sales reps into the mix we could just place The Entire Healthcare System on the “Things to Ruin” list. But there’s no call for that, methinks. The healthcare system doesn’t need Supernatural to ruin it—it’s doing just fine on its own.

15.   Dolls

 

That decapitated doll head from Family Remains reminds me uncomfortably of Chucky.
 
 
 
As for the inflatable variety, does it drive anyone else nuts that they start to deflate only after Bela pulls back the covers, not when she actually shoots them?!
 
  
What is it with these demented monkey toys? There was an evil-looking one in the Roadhouse, too. Do they count as dolls? I don’t know, but whatever, this one ruined cymbals for me too.

Click here for Part II