The â€œThings to Ruinâ€ List
Eric Kripke is on a mission! With cheerfully warped and macabre assistance from his writers, just how many ostensibly good things can be ruined by Supernatural? Weâ€™ve heard the Krip keeps a list of loose ends he wants to tie up on a whiteboardâ€”that obsessive-compulsive streak is one of the many reasons I adore the man. Itâ€™s fun to imagine that he also keeps a â€œThings to Ruinâ€ list on that board, cackling and rubbing his hands with glee every time he gets to cross something off. Mission accomplished!
The idea for this piece came from a comment from Alice along the lines of â€œCross that off the Things to Ruin list.â€ I cracked up when I read it, as well as Bethanyâ€™s response to the â€œHomeâ€ recap. Credit for the first item on the list goes to her! I thought it might be fun to take the idea further and see how many things I could come up with. And itâ€™s bound to get longer--with a sixth season in the works, theyâ€™re sure to make admirable progress on the list in the coming year. I canâ€™t wait to see what twisted awesomeness they come up with next!
The list that follows is in no particular order. Some of these are more amusing than others. Some will no doubt make you groan, so keep those rotten tomatoes handy! Letâ€™s start with:
1. The entire kitchen
This oneâ€™s from Bethany, who wrote that Kripke seems determined to ensure that we can never go back into the kitchen or use any of its appliances ever again. Kitchen items ruined thus far include the:
And, of course, the kitchen sink
This oneâ€™s a no-brainer. Evil Santa, drunk Santa, blinking sweaters, cross-eyed reindeer and one thoroughly butchered rendition of Silent Night: Carver & Co have ruined Christmas forever.
I read a comment once from a mortified viewer who unsuspectingly stumbled across this â€œholiday special.â€ Poor guyâ€”this episode really should come with a warning.
The brothersâ€™ lives are one long Halloween, and considering the day precedes the anniversary of Mary and Jessicaâ€™s deaths itâ€™s got to be a crappy time of year for them. However, from razor blades and skeevy jailbait cheerleader witches to angels breathing down their necks, zombies rising en masse, and the Great Pumpkin himself, Halloween 2008 stands out as a particularly horrendous experience.
You can run, but youâ€™d do better hiding. In this case, that means smearing your face with blood and playing dead.
There are no words . . . this one was ruined by a master. IMHO the ruin of Valentineâ€™s Day may top that of Christmas, and thatâ€™s no small feat.
OK, this oneâ€™s a stretch, since it was off camera, but it sounds like Thanksgiving was ruined for those poor boys year after year. Every time I sit down to turkey from here out, Iâ€™ll reflect sadly on little Sam and Dean sharing a bucket of extra-crispy with Dad passed out on the couch. Apparently those Millertime shifts were no joke, but cut Pa Winchester some slackâ€”both his boys appear to have inherited his penchant for drowning their sorrows in hard liquor. The season 6 storyline will feature a quest to score Dean a new liver, but I digress.
I wonder which holiday will be next? We know the boys had at least one fun Fourth of July, although it sounds like whenever John was around he was a massive buzzkill. Cinco de Mayo, perhaps? Deanâ€™s been wanting to go down to Tijuana for ages, and the boys have a knack for finding trouble wherever they go. Or maybe St. Patrickâ€™s Day. We know what Dean thinks of leprechauns, with their small hands . . .
I canâ€™t believe what Supernatural gets away with on network television! Routinely calling angels â€œdicks with wingsâ€ for example (although I suppose thatâ€™s nothing compared to calling the Almighty an SOB; itâ€™s completely in context, but Iâ€™m nervous Iâ€™ll get struck by lightning every time I watch that scene!). When you meet these angels, though, you get itâ€”itâ€™s a perfect description!
Good stuff. Good stuff? Good stuff! Zach, I miss you already!!!
So much for the Eastern seaboard.
So much for the Eastern seaboard.
We will, however, make an exception for the Angel of Thursday:
My 13 year old sister refuses to watch Supernatural. While perusing the CW site for episodes of â€œLife, Unexpectedâ€ she spotted the caption for DSotM and said, â€œAww, look, Sam and Dean go to Heaven!â€ I explained thatâ€™s not a good thing. â€œItâ€™s not?â€ â€œNo, kiddo, thatâ€™s a very, very bad thing . . .â€
Who made Heaven a place in Cleveland? The Winchesters, apparently. Not to dis their botanical gardens, but when any part of Heaven looks like Cleveland, itâ€™s gotta be a sign that somethingâ€™s wrong. Not that it matters, since the guys already figured that out. Supernatural turns Heaven into a place of darkness and disillusionment. Even those who are happy there are basically living in the Matrix while the angels run the show. The brothers, on the other hand, spend most of their time subject to physical abuse and psychological torture, when theyâ€™re not running for their lives, that is. Did I say lives? Theyâ€™re already dead . . .
5. The preacherâ€™s daughter
What should be said about Lori from Hookman? Probably as little as possible. I didnâ€™t hate her . . . I just wasnâ€™t remotely interested.
Leah, on the other hand, was very interesting. The actress captured perfectly her charismatic innocence and religious zeal masking a core of manipulative evil. This scene in the church especially gave me chills: â€œLet me go, or the next sinner I name will be you.â€ â€œFootlooseâ€ this is not-- more like Arthur Millerâ€™s â€œThe Crucible.â€
6. Fairy tales
Yep, these fractured bedtime stories are even Grimmer than the originals (*ducking tomatoes, again*). Then there are unicorns, which werenâ€™t ruined per se, but I know Iâ€™ll never look at them the same way again!
7. Colored contacts
I think colored contacts look a little spooky to begin with, but as a Supernatural fan, I now find them extra creepy: if demons can have black, red, yellow, or white eyes, why not blue or green? Being able to see the pupils doesnâ€™t reassure me. You can see the red-eyed crossroad demonâ€™s pupils too.
8. The Tooth Fairy
Open wide and say â€œahhhhâ€ . . .
When I lost my teeth, Iâ€™d place them under the pillow hoping to find a quarter in the morning like all the other kids. Apparently I was ok with some freak coming into my room in the dead of night. But there was never anything there. See, my parents are first generation immigrantsâ€”they had no idea they were supposed to play tooth fairy! As it turns out, I should be grateful. Thirty-two quarters will not cover the lifetime of therapy bills that poor dad will need after his encounter with Jesseâ€™s version of the Tooth Fairy.
Itâ€™s too bad we didnâ€™t get to meet Jesseâ€™s parents--sounds like his dad had a pretty perverse sense of humor! Or he just came up with a creative way to hang on to his pocket change.
â€œClowns?? What theâ€”â€ Oh, Ash, donâ€™t act so surprised. Didnâ€™t you ever see â€œItâ€? Pennywise ensured the ruin of clowns for an entire generation; the folks at Supernatural are just doing their part to increase the prevalence of traumatic coulrophobia in the population. Bonus points to Jas for teaching us the word of the day!
10. Little girls
Sugar and spice and everything nice? Um, not so much. In the world of Supernatural, these kids are definitely not alright, given Sera Gambleâ€™s firm conviction that nothing is creepier than a little girl. If you see one, run for the hills, because as Sera says, they are never good news. This should be part of everyoneâ€™s Supernatural survival guide. Sam and Dean unfortunately have to stick around, in case it really is a girl who needs help. We know how that usually goes.
There are very rarely exceptions to this rule: Audrey Elmer, for example, and I loved this precocious kid from IBTCAOF too.
â€œThe Real Ghostbustersâ€ gave us some obnoxious and creepy little boys as well, but IMHO theyâ€™ve generally fared a little better on the series than the girls; weâ€™ve had some pretty cool little dudes helping to keep their subspecies from total ruin:
11. Not so little girls
More from the Supernatural Survival Guide: Remember, if you see a little girl, run. If you ARE a girl, RUN!!! Those boys may be pretty as all get out, but there is way too much collateral damage around them. â€™Nuff said.
Letâ€™s say your significant other or kids are bugging you to get a dog. Say youâ€™ve got allergies and arenâ€™t really into scooping. Try making them watch â€œCrossroad Blues,â€ â€œNo Rest for the Wicked,â€ â€œAbandon All Hopeâ€ and â€œDevil You Knowâ€ in succession. If the hellhounds donâ€™t do the trick, show â€™em the Yorkie chasing Dean--insist that he really is vicious and dangerous. Add that heâ€™ll pee when heâ€™s nervous. Donâ€™t forget the golden retriever in â€œMystery Spot.â€ Do not be swayed by offers to name the dog Bones. Or Sam.
So youâ€™re taking your kid to the doctor, someone you like and trust. It never hurts to keep some silver rounds on hand, though, as well as some salt and holy water. Should the nice doc starts smoking at the mouth or attempt to suck out your kidâ€™s soul, youâ€™ll be prepared to defend them like the lioness you are.
Pestilenceâ€™s little assistant reminded me, and how could I forget Not-Cindy McKellan (Lilithâ€™s personal chef), or Nurse Ratched and her colleagues?
The doctor will see you now.
Along those lines, between Pestilence AKA Dr. Green and Samâ€™s psychiatrist (the one whoâ€™s apparently never heard of Van Halen), I suppose a case could be made for generalizing #12 to just plain â€œdoctors.â€ I didnâ€™t really want to do that, though, since weâ€™ve had a lot of docs on the show, and most of â€™em have been decent folk. Although they were mostly coroners and medical examiners, so make of that what you will. But hey, there was Dr. Cara! That was a cool chick.
Then again, if you take all these healthcare professionals and lump hospitals, nursing homes, orderlies, psychiatric institutions, pharmaceutical companies and their associated sales reps into the mix we could just place The Entire Healthcare System on the â€œThings to Ruinâ€ list. But thereâ€™s no call for that, methinks. The healthcare system doesnâ€™t need Supernatural to ruin itâ€”itâ€™s doing just fine on its own.
That decapitated doll head from Family Remains reminds me uncomfortably of Chucky.
As for the inflatable variety, does it drive anyone else nuts that they start to deflate only after Bela pulls back the covers, not when she actually shoots them?!
What is it with these demented monkey toys? There was an evil-looking one in the Roadhouse, too. Do they count as dolls? I donâ€™t know, but whatever, this one ruined cymbals for me too.
Click here for Part II
Click here for Part II