“The way I look at it, it’s really not jumping the shark if you never come back down.” —Chuck the Prophet

Apparently these are the words of God, so there must be something to it, right?  You thought the third Winchester brother worked out okay in the end, but it’s for real this time!  Just kidding.  There has been some speculation—and worry—about where the show might go in season six.  Will everything seem anticlimactic after concluding this epic five-year storyline?  

If the stuff coming out of Comic-Con is any indication, sounds like we’ve got a really exciting and intriguing sixth season coming up, with plenty of post-apocalyptic fallout, both supernatural and emotional, to deal with.    But it got me to thinking—what if the writers DID run out of ideas?  What if clueless network execs started calling the shots?  What might Supernatural look like if they really, truly, completely jumped the shark and never came down?  We’ve had literal Seasons from Hell, maybe it’s time for a figurative one.  I thought I’d share some speculative scenarios reflecting just such a situation.  Enjoy the train wreck!

1.  The poor Impala is breaking down, and Dean just can’t hold his baby together anymore.  In a heartbreaking moment of staggering sacrifice, he uses his cell phone to videotape an appeal for help and submits it to MTV’s “Pimp My Ride.”  Special guest star Xzibit and his team come to the rescue.  She is unrecognizable by the end, and looks more like a tricked-out version of the Sacrament Lutheran Militia’s truck.  The arsenal in the trunk is much better organized, however, and the holy water fire hose should come in handy.  The script is written by Julie Siege.

 

       
        

 
 

2.  After repeated requests , the writers finally decide to do the Surfer Demon episode.  At first the everyone’s stoked, as it’s December and raining buckets--they think they’re going to film on location in Hawaii now that the Losties have vacated their beaches.  Then they spot the potted palm trees being hauled in, although they did manage to hire a couple of former Baywatch babes.  D. Hasselhoff guest stars.

       

 

3.  The ratings are declining, and the network decides it’s time for the regular cast to include a hot babe again.  In a misguided attempt to get Sam out of Hell, Dean opens another Devil’s Gate.  Sadly, there’s no sign of Casey.  Instead, Bela Talbot crawls out of the pit.  She’s a demon now, but no one can tell the difference.

 

   

 

 

4.  The Horsemen are coming back!!!  They’ve recovered their rings and their strength, and they want some payback.  Pestilence is still after the bros’ healthy young arses (and more screen time).  Rumor has it the script is pretty good, and fans think the season may be getting back on track.  Then it’s announced that they can’t pay the actors, but there is a creative solution.  In homage to Ben Edlund’s brilliant Angel episode “Smile Time,” they are turning everyone into Muppets.  In a humorous aside Dean does jokes and a musical number with Rizzo and Pepe the King Prawn.  Big Mean Carl is supposed to have a part too, but Dean takes one look at him and blows him away with the salt gun.  Statler and Waldorf guest as Death and Pestilence, while War is played by Sam the Eagle.  Mr. Edlund is offered the opportunity to direct the episode.  He refuses.

 

      
 

 
 

5.  Despite the insulting brilliance of Statler and Waldorf, the Muppet episode strikes out.  The musical number, however, becomes popular on Youtube, and the writers are finally pressured into writing a musical episode, a la “Once More With Feeling.”  The British babe is in it.  She and Dean are going to dress up and trade snippy barbs to a tango, because that worked so well last time around.  Kripke firmly maintains, however, that according to canon Sam and Dean are tone deaf and cannot carry a tune to save the world.  Someone suggests that the plot center around Dean’s possession by Kevin Cronin, since for some reason he does okay with REO Speedwagon.  In the end, they go with Christmas carols and Bon Jovi tunes which blossom into Bollywood-style song and dance numbers.  It’s another epic fail.

 

 

 

 

6.  It’s crossover time.  In a CW marketing gimmick, the Winchester brothers roll into Tree Hill, NC to investigate some demonic omens.  In an effort to catch the demon, they vandalize the River Court with spray-painted devil’s traps, and end up having to take on an offended Lucas and Nathan Scott in a bros vs bros game of pickup basketball.  Ratings are sinking like the Titanic, and Eric Kripke is visibly upset by the anemic alternative-pop soundtrack selected for the episode.

 

 

 

7.  The brothers travel to Canton, Ohio to investigate a guy whose head was slammed into the front of James Dean’s car but bled down the back.  Another guy is murdered by Honest Abe Lincoln (apparently conversational Spanish is required to understand the words “el Presidente”).  Their efforts are hampered by a bumbling Sherriff and out-to-lunch wax sculptor, and in the end we get to see Paris die.  Why does all this sound familiar?  Oh . . . we actually had this episode.  Must’ve blocked it out.

 

     

 

 

8.  When his fraudulent credit card is rejected, Dean is unable to purchase pay-per-view and quickly exhausts his supply of quarters for the Magic Fingers.  He ends up watching late night infomercials and Carson Daly in a boozy haze, during which a commercial reminds him of his long-forgotten mission to hunt down Snuggles, the fabric softener bear.  He and Sam jump into the Impala and drive, their sense of purpose restored, only to discover during their research that the Ghostfacers took care of it last week and turned it into a poorly edited into an episode of their reality series.  Dean takes this as a personal affront and decides to sabotage their next hunt.  An episode of douchnozzilian chicanery and hijinks ensues.

 

 

              

         

 

 

9.  The fan backlash against the return of the British babe is getting out of control.  Kripke convinces the network to allow them to take fan suggestions for an episode, even though the body swap didn’t work out as well as they’d hoped.  They are promptly bombarded by requests from Suze and the gang from the Winchester Family Business to take on zombie alligators.  Ben Edlund writes it.  The creature takes a few bites out of Sam’n’Dean, but the Impala’s firehose is used to douse and subdue the demonic Bela, allowing the alligator to eat her instead.  Far from jumping the shark, the episode is hailed as an instant classic and highlight of the series.

 

     

 

 

10.  It can’t save the season, however.  The ratings are still tanking.  In a last ditch effort, the network finally throws some money at Supernatural, and announces the RETURN OF JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN!!!  Fangirls are passing out from excitement.  Time to celebrate, break out the champagne—er, not so fast.  He’s not back to play John Winchester.  Network executives decide to capitalize upon the popularity of “Grey’s Anatomy” among young women and insist that Mr. Morgan reprise the role of the ghostly Denny Duquette.  Given what they’re paying, they feel he should play the character that made him famous, not Big Daddy John.  Sam and Dean are dispatched to Seattle Grace at the request of Dr. Izzy Stevens to hunt Denny down.

 

   

 

 

Are you horrified yet?  Nauseous just thinking about it?  Or do you feel a lot better, because no matter what comes our way in season six, it CANNOT POSSIBLY be as bad as this?!?!

So, share your ideas for train wreck episodes and storylines, your worst-case scenarios for a Season 6 that is the stuff of nightmares--and not in a good way.  What do you imagine when you think of Supernatural jumping the shark in ways that defy belief?  Share the most ridiculous, over the top ideas you come up with, episodes that would surely mark a rapid downward spiral and invite immediate cancellation.  It’s bound to increase our appreciation for the show, which despite occasional flaws, is pretty awesome.

Just a few weeks left . . . Happy hellatus, everyone! --ElenaM