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Authors note: This is a work of fiction – obviously – and is intended to be taken as such. It’s just my thoughts on what Dean’s thoughts in season 8 might’ve been, if I could get into his head… I hope you enjoy part 2.


Entry 13

Someone pinch me. Not only is the Men of Letters lair still standing, it’s friggin’ awesome. How it’s working I dunno and don’t care. It is and I ain’t complainin’.  Sam’s in his happy place, surrounded by books and god knows what. I swear the kid’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw all the damn books and files and crap. I just had a shower the likes of which I’ve never known. The water pressure. Not some dank and moudly motel room trickle, but real power, man. And hot. Coulda stayed in there all day. Did get a bit wrinkly. Heh. Not only that, there’s weapons up the ying yang and a freakin’ shooting gallery. Who the hell were these guys? How the hell did we get so lucky? I keep expecting to wake up any minute. Probably screaming. God bless you Henry Winchester, wherever the hell you are.

Golems. Necromancer Nazis. Secret Societies? How about a good ole fashioned ghost hunt, just for kicks. Jesus. Our lives keep getting weirder. Though, Aaron was kind of ok, smartass, but ok. So was the big guy, for a dude made of clay. A dude made of clay. Yep. And now we’re back in the batcave, warm and toasty and Sam looks almost happy. Hell I think he nearly smiled. Somethin’s gotta give. We don’t get this lucky. Ever.

My own room. I can’t remember ever havin’ a room. I guess I did, back when I was little. I don’t remember though. It feels good. Feels good to have somewhere to put all my crap. Keep it nice. Somewhere mine. Jesus, Winchester, you’re turning into a freakin’ woman. 

Entry 14

What is wrong with me? Can’t I do anything right? All I had to do was one damn thing. Kill a hellhound. Instead Sam has to step in and save my sorry ass and now he’s doin’ these freakin trials, whatever that means and I don’t want that to happen with every part of my being.  I wanna puke. Everything I touch turns to shit. It was not supposed to go like that. I don’t want Sam to go through any more crap. He’s gone through enough. This one was on me and I failed. I freakin’ failed him. Again. Jesus. 

I can’t freakin’ sleep. I keep running it through my head. How that bitch knocked me down. I keep playin’ it over and over. Figuring what I coulda done different. What’s it matter.  I blew it. I know Sam gave me the speech about him and me getting to the light or somethin’. God love him for believing in that, optimistic son of a bitch. I just know I gotta watch out for him now. We dunno what’s next, what these trials are about. I gotta make sure he gets through this because I ain’t livin’ with the alternative. Not again.

Entry 15

Hey, I’m about as open minded as they come, but what the hell was that with James and his familiar. Sure she was hot as a chick, but, she was a freakin’ dog. Literally. I mean, the mind boggles and not in a good way. Whoa, I gotta get that picture outta my brain. That’s just not right. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Witches. Skeevy. 


Entry 16

Somethin’s not right with Sam. He’s off. Not himself. Not since the first trial. He’s hiding something. Acting cagey. I can tell. After all these years I can tell when the kid’s lyin’ to me. Not only that, he’s getting scared. Startin’ to doubt himself. I ain’t gonna push it and I ain’t gonna listen to his, I might die doin’ it, bullshit either. Both of us can’t be thinkin’ that way. I dunno if it was the right thing to do, reaching out to Cass. We dunno where he is, what he’s doin’. But I got nothin’ and no-one else to turn to. I need help now. I need help lookin’ out for Sam. We’re gonna be up to our elbows in this thing and we have no clue what’s comin’ down the pipe. Cass didn’t answer. I dunno if he even heard me. I dunno if he even gives a damn. We had 2 minutes of things lookin’ up, then back to wading through this life of crap. Whatever happens, one thing I know for sure. They ain’t takin’ Sammy.

Entry 17

I think I’m gonna freakin’ lose it man. Lies and more lies pilin’ up all around me. I wanna freakin’ hit somethin’ or someone or I dunno what. Sam’s sick. The trials are breaking him in ways Cass don’t even understand. Cass is gone, again. He blows in, beats the snot outta me, steals the angel tablet. He was being controlled? I knew I smelt somethin’. Don’t make it hurt any less. He’s gone now. He made his choice. He don’t trust me. Just… No more. No more. How much are we supposed to take? How much am I supposed to take? How much is my brother supposed to take? When is it ever gonna be enough? WHEN YOU BASTARDS? I just gotta focus on one thing right now and that’s Sam. That’s making sure we…he, gets through this trials shit in one piece. Cass is on his own road and I can’t be worryin’ about him no more. Not for now anyways. At least Sam has come clean with me. Finally. At least I’ve got that. I’ve got that.

I’ve been lying here tossin’ and turnin’ for hours. What part of me actually thought I could sleep? This thing. It’s getting outta control. We got Crowley on our ass, angels on our ass. Nobody to turn to. Cass is gone. Even freakin’ Meg is gone, which isn’t a bad thing…though she had moments of usefulness, when she wasn't killin’ everyone we love. On second thoughts, good riddance. Sam’s coughing up blood. And that’s just after the first trial. What’s the next one gonna do to him? I should be doin’ this. Me. Not Sam. I don’t want him to suffer no more. Man. Stop acting like a whiney girl, Winchester. Nut up. We’ve faced crap like this before. We’ve beat down worse. We can do this. Just focus. 

Well, firin’ off a few rounds in our own personal shooting gallery certainly took the edge off.  That 50 year old scotch didn’t hurt none either.

Entry 18

If that proved one thing to me, it proved I was right. You can’t live normal and live hunter. The two don’t mix. It’ll get ya killed for sure. Mind you, that Victor dude was a nutjob. Hope Krissy makes it. She’s a good kid. Sam’s not firin’ on all cylinders. No way those dudes get the jump on him under normal circumstances.  


Entry 19

This waiting sucks. I’m freakin’ useless. Sit here wringin’ my hands waiting, while Sam does the hard yards. Pathetic. 

God damn it. God DAMN IT.  I’m sorry Benny. I’m sorry man. You didn’t deserve that. But thank you. Thank you. I hope it’s not all for nothin’. God damn it please let him have found Sammy. I can’t have him stuck in Purgatory. Both of us shouldn’t have to go through that shit. Please. Anyone who’s listening. Just, please.

I lost a good friend tonight. But I got my brother back. And Bobby, Bobby’s where he belongs. I hope the old man’s happy up there. He deserves it. Benny’s back in Purgatory. He don’t deserve that. Though Sam thinks maybe he wanted it that way. Maybe. I dunno. I dunno. All I know is I cut my friend’s head off. He sacrificed himself for me. For my family. Didn’t hesitate. I couldn’t burn his bones. If it wasn’t for Benny, I dunno I’d even be here. Maybe one day he’ll crawl his way back out and I can thank him proper. He’s a tough son of a bitch. A good friend. A good friend.

Nightmare. Blood everywhere. Benny’s head rollin’ at my feet. I’m so sorry, man. I’m so sorry…

Entry 20

That Charlie, she’s a good gal. Smart. Lippy, but smart. She can hang around as much as she likes.  But hey, I ain’t lettin’ go. Not of her and certainly not of Sam. Never. I’ve let go of too many. No more. Sam ain’t in a good way and now’s when I need to make sure I’m beside him every step. But I gotta trust in him. That he can do this. He can’t do it without my believin’ in him and he shoulda not have to. So, we’ll do what we gotta do and Sam will finish the trials and we’ll do this damn thing together. Like we always have. 

Entry 21

Oh Sammy. I didn’t know man. And I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry I never saw. I shoulda. My little brother always felt different. What was the word he used? Not clean? Did he always feel it? Poor kid. I dunno if these trials are actually purifying his blood or what or if that was the sickness talkin’. I’d love to believe that demon crud is getting stripped outta him once and for all. For him. So he could get some peace. But right now, I more worried they’re freakin’ killin’ him. He looks like shit, he’s not eating, feverish, talkin’ about I don’t know what. It’s killin’ me to see him like this. Knowing I can’t do nothin’ to help. ‘Cept keep him fed. Try keep his strength up. Just got one more trial to get through. Just gotta keep him alive through that. We’ve got Kevin. We’ve got both halves of the tablet. We’ve got God’s secretary for Christ’s sake. Now, we just gotta cure a demon. Cake walk. Heh. Not real comfy having Cass under the same roof as us. But Sam insisted. I wanna trust him. Don’t know I can ever forgive him…

Entry 22

Time for Crowley to die is long past. Son of a bitch. How many he gonna kill? We can’t let this happen. We gotta think up a plan and fast. I gotta keep Sam focused on the end game. He’s sick and shaky. Sarah hit him hard. Hit me hard. We can’t let that red-eyed bastard win. No way that’s happening on my watch. We regroup and we bring him down. It’s long overdue. We got all we need to make this happen. And we got each other and Charlie was right, there’s pretty much nothin’ we can’t do. Hey man, we stopped the Apocalypse. I should be saying this to Sam…

Yeah. Sleep. Ha. Runnin’ it through my head over and over. Gotta get this right. It’s a good plan. We just gotta lie to the King of all liars. Hey, I can do that. If we can get him there. Get him locked down. It’s all on Sam. I dunno what’s gonna happen. But…it’s our best shot.


Entry 23

This is it. Big day. The day we lock 'em all up once and for all. For our mom, for dad, for Ash, for Ellen and Jo…for us.

He’s gonna be ok. He’s gonna be ok. He’s gonna be ok.................................

Thanks so much for indulging me and reading always, I appreciate the hell outta your support!
If you missed Part 1 of Dean's Journal you can find it here.



# st50 2013-06-30 08:39
These articles have been fun, sweetondean.
Maybe they should become a regular post-season thing? :D
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 09:27
Thanks! I think they'll definitely become a regular thing. I may do an earlier season too...maybe... :D
# novi 2013-06-30 11:28
Thank you, Sweetondean, that was really sweet! And you know what - I'll go and read your fanfic stories. Becoming your fan, surely.
# nightsky 2013-06-30 19:56
So I have ask sweetondean...d o you have fanfic for us to read? Where can we find it?
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:09
You can find them here:

They are all canon(ish) based, missing scenes or crack and from Dean's POV (surprise, surprise).

There is one slightly dirty one...... um..... I was inspired by "Goodbye Stranger". :oops:
Leah unlogged
# Leah unlogged 2013-06-30 11:30
sweetondean, another great look into the angsty mind of Dean Winchester (as you see it). Among all the crap that is sloshing around in there, concern for his brother, is never far from his thoughts. That is and has always been a constant IMO. I don't understand the view of some, that Dean caring for Sam at this time, somehow diminishes his character. After the bitter conflicts of this season and the fact that Sam is withering away before him, I see nothing OOC or demeaning about this. He was telling Sam, mostly non-verbally, that I am supporting you and will do everything I can to make sure you will survive this. During the times when he wasn't caring for Sam he was still the BAMF that he has always been. I loved how you ended the last entry "He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok. He's gonna be ok......".

Anyhow thanks for this! I hope this will become a regular feature also. :-)
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:42
I was kind of baffled how to end it...I thought that could really be the only way!

I agree with you, how can taking care of his brother be out of character. He's even said, it's what he does, but more than that, it's who he is.

And he's always a BAMF no matter what he's doing! :lol:

Thanks so much for reading, Leah!
# eilf 2013-06-30 20:52
I liked the way you couldn't write the last episode since the guys are currently in mid-crisis - no journal writing moment! I would be interested to see how you interpret Dean for that episode next season! :-)
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:56
Exactly! Last we saw them they were sitting in the mud, leaning on the Impala in crisis mode! Couldn't see Dean whipping out the journal!'s on his bedside table, in his room, in the Men of Letters bunker, next to his photo of his mom.... :roll:
# eilf 2013-06-30 21:00
Oh you haven't put thought into this at all, nope, not much .... :P
LOL now I have a vision of him pulling a 1950's dictaphone out of his pocket, while leaning against the Impala, in the rain :
Captain's log, (supplemental), the Angels are falling!
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 21:17
OMG eilf! You made me snot-laugh! :D
# eilf 2013-06-30 21:25
Glad to hear it ;-) Always willing to help ...
leah unlogged
# leah unlogged 2013-06-30 21:28
Always a compliment!! The snot-laugh :lol:
love2boys unlogged
# love2boys unlogged 2013-07-02 11:13
With you, Leah!
# Grace232 2013-06-30 11:35
So much fun! You really captured the character's voice! Thanks for these 2 great stories!
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:43
Thank you, Grace.
# njspnfan 2013-06-30 12:52
Thank you, enjoyed both parts of the journal. You really "get" Dean and have truly earned the screen name of Sweetondean.
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:43
Thank you! :-)
# Bevie 2013-06-30 15:24
Thanks. I love to read Dean's thoughts as you write them. Strikes me as truly his!

About Benny brought the tears and Sarah hit me just as hard as it did to them. Loved the both of them and never forgot Sarah after all those years. I had such hopes for that girl and Sam!

Wouldn't it be great if Benny could make it back cured somehow and be another support for the boys since most of them have been killed off. Who's left? Charlie, Jody, Garth! Maybe Aron and his Golem. So very many endearing characters have bitten the dust! :cry:

Even if Crowley is cured I won't take to him as he will always be the one who killed Sarah! :-?

Thanks again, and more......pleas e? :P
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:45
You know, I was so deep into this when I was writing, I cried when doing the entry about Benny....

Thanks so much, I'll try and do another season before the end of hiatus!
# nightsky 2013-06-30 19:57
Amy, Absolutely love these pieces!! I felt like I was truly listening to Dean's thoughts! More please!
# sweetondean 2013-06-30 20:47
Thank you! I'd like to try and go back and do an earlier season. I've really enjoyed writing this. :-)
# KELLY 2013-06-30 22:46
I agree with everyone else. You do a great Dean. I hope you decide to do other seasons. I'd be really interested to see your take on those.
# sweetondean 2013-07-01 06:52
Thank you!
# mani 2013-06-30 23:16
why I`m crying?!
# sweetondean 2013-07-01 06:53
Awwwww thanks! :roll:
# hlnkid 2013-07-01 08:03
Yeah, this is SO much fun and I can so picture Dean thinking these things, during the second half of the season. Thanks for your efforts to dig into Dean's head. A great read!
# sweetondean 2013-07-01 17:16
No problem! Thanks for reading :-)
# kaz1 2013-07-01 15:52
you write Dean like you are listening to his thoughts. Thanks so much, I think when next season gets tough for him (and we know it will), you will have to give us a little more of his journal!

Loved it, and would love to read more
# sweetondean 2013-07-01 17:18
Maybe I should do it in weekly installments? Hmmmmm...

Thanks kaz! :-)
# Eli 2013-07-01 19:16
This (and part 1) was so much fun to read! You really captured Dean's voice. Well done!
# sweetondean 2013-07-01 21:26
Thanks Eli!
# Super 2013-07-03 03:35
Hi sweetondean!

Damn, how did I miss this?? Bad, Super, BAD!

Aw, this is so sad! It made me all teary... Poor, worried, guilt ridden Dean. *pets*

This one made me want season 9 to be here, like now!! I'm going to be spoilerfree this season so I'm going to have an extra hard time, waiting for October 15th.

I really, really hope you do earlier seasons aswell. You really have Dean's voice so authentic in these journals.

Now, off to check out your fanfic, thanks for the link :)

# sweetondean 2013-07-04 03:44
Thanks Super!
# lau 2013-07-03 12:24
you really have a gift, and thank you for share it with us, it gets better and better :lol:
# sweetondean 2013-07-04 03:49
Thanks so much lau!
# Sylvie 2013-07-03 12:57
Ah man, you brought a tear to my eye! :cry: I loved reading both parts of Dean's journal, I too hope they become a regular thing here.
# sweetondean 2013-07-04 03:50
Thank you Sylvie :-)
# Karen 2013-07-04 05:53
Hi Sweetondean
I really enjoyed reading both journals. You captured Dean so well, I could hear his voice talking.
# sweetondean 2013-07-04 06:48
Thanks Karen :-)